Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie went to a psychic fair one time and decided to get his fortune told. The fortune teller told him he should start making plans because a huge amount of money was about to come his way. Ernie got so excited he ran out and bought himself a dozen lottery tickets. Sadly, things didn’t go according to plan. Two weeks later, Ernie got run over by a Brinks truck.

Thought of the Day

There’s a reason why birds always fly south for the winter. They can’t afford to fly coach.

Thought of the Day

The way I look at it, putting Larry in The Three Stooges is like putting a stick of celery in a Blood Mary. It’s not really necessary. But I’m sure it sounded like a good idea at the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been blessed with a healthy-looking complexion. I’m so pale I went to the mall the other day and three people tried to check me for a pulse.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl went ice fishing over the weekend. I don’t know what kind of bait Karl was using. But I’m sure he’s never going to use it again. Karl caught double pneumonia.

Thought of the Day

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably time to adopt.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother once told me that when she was growing up, they’d never lock their doors at night. That makes perfect sense to me. Who’d want to steal a TV set? Back then they were the size of Volkswagens!

Thought of the Day

I was reading that restaurants in Japan like to serve fugu – a blowfish that’s so poisonous, you can die if it’s not cooked properly. Wow. And I thought you were taking your life in your hands by ordering the beef burrito at Taco Bell.

Thought of the Day

My dog just turned six-years-old today. That would make him about 42 in dog years. I think that means he’s old enough to go out and get a job.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure prison inmates must have a hard time watching Hockey Night In Canada. They’re doing ten years for assault with a deadly weapon, and some multi-millionaire just got five minutes for doing the exact same thing.

Thought of the Day

I think the chicken farmer down the road loves his job a little bit too much. You wouldn’t believe the beaks in that family.

Thought of the Day

Some people wonder why I keep buying Grape-Nuts cereal. I don’t care if it’s good for me or anything. I just want to find all these grapes and nuts they keep talking about.

Scarecrow Speak

Due to "the peppermint schnapps incident," The Scarecrow Report will be closed for the holidays so it can recover an ounce of dignity. Any suggestions about good lawyers would also be most appreciated.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, our family was so poor that my mother had to get really creative when it came to making dinner. Man, that girl could knit a mean fried chicken.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think people should be hanging their stockings by the fire for Santa to find on Christmas Eve. You see – Santa is into that kind of thing.

Thought of the Day

Man, times have really changed with COVID. I remember the days when you could go to England, and they’d serve you fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. Not any more. I went back there recently, and all the fish have resigned.

Thought of the Day

If someone tried to strangle one of The Beach Boys, I wouldn’t call that assault. I’d call that a crime against Love.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know where people got the cockamamie idea that former vice-president Al Gore invented the Internet. But it was probably the Internet.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re Godzilla, and you’re planning to attack Tokyo, don’t feel guilty if you end up eating too many Japanese civilians. When you eat Japanese, you’re only going to feel hungry in another hour anyway.

Thought of the Day

Look, I have no problem eating crow. It’s the eight hours on the can that bothers me.