Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I went and ordered a pair of those x-ray specs you used to find in the back of comic books. When the package arrived, and I put the glasses on, I couldn’t see through crap. But the makers did have an uncanny ability to see into my wallet.

Thought of the Day

People warn you to keep quiet because “the walls have ears.” I’m not too worried about that myself. If walls don’t have mouths, who are they going to tell?

Thought of the Day

I think the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is really starting to run out of people to induct. This year they nominated Joe Theismann.

Thought of the Day

If a matchstick factory burns down, is that a tragedy or the sign of a reliable product?

Thought of the Day

A bunch of us were sitting around, discussing how old we were when we first started shaving. Some said 14…15. In my case, I didn’t learn how to shave until everyone at school started calling me “Tarzan."

Thought of the Day

I was in a wedding party one time, and the wedding planner asked me if I wanted a boutonniere. I just told her I’ll have a white wine instead.

Thought of the Day

I saw Amy Schumer in a tampon commercial recently. Does that mean she starred in a period piece?

Thought of the Day

I went to Dairy Queen yesterday. I wasn’t in the mood for a Blizzard or anything. I just wanted to find out what happened to the King.

Thought of the Day

A lot of actors would be better off if they just said “no” once in a while. Take Marlon Brando for instance. I think Brando would’ve had a much longer career if he’d just said “no” to seconds.

Thought of the Day

Sure, Marvel has had a lot of success developing big-time superheroes like The Fantastic Four, The Incredible Hulk and The Amazing Spiderman. But I don’t think they’ve quite figured out the concept of modesty.

Thought of the Day

I’m not saying that the Montreal Canadiens are a bad hockey team this year. I’m just saying that a lot of Canadiens fans are leaving their jerseys out by the road with a sign that says: “Free!”

Thought of the Day

I think it’s amazing how Alexander Graham Bell was able to invent an extraordinary new device like the telephone, and single-handedly change the way people communicate with one another…forever. Particularly when all he was really trying to do was impress the chicks.

Thought of the Day

When people try and tell you off, they always say, “Go fly a kite!” But what if you happen to like flying kites?

Thought of the Day

You might be surprised to hear I’ve got a personal chauffeur. He might not be the friendliest guy in the world. But he always gets me where I want to go. As long as I show him my bus pass.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you’re making Jiffy Pop popcorn, always remember to cook it on the stove. Never use the microwave. I tried that once. It took me a day and a half to pull all the tin foil out of my face.

Thought of the Day

Over the years, countless activists, diplomats and world leaders have been fortunate enough to win the Nobel Peace Prize. I actually won the Snowball Peace Prize. It’s just like the Nobel Peace Prize, except it disappears as soon as you get it home.

Thoughts of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being The Invisible Man. Oh sure. Sneaking around, going on secret adventures – that would be all right. But man, you’d have a helluva time trying to shave in the morning.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my minister told me he bought an organ that’s 14 feet high. I think he’s going to need a new pair of pants for that.

Thought of the Day

Back in 1966, Star Trek said it was going to go on a five-year mission. It’s been 56 years now. I think Star Trek should take a hint.

Thought of the Day

Global warming and the coronavirus pandemic are two of the biggest challenges we’ve ever had to face in human history. But if you ask me, what the world really needs to figure out is how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?