Thought of the Day

I was talking to a fish at a party the other day. So I asked him where he lived. He said, “In the water, dumbass.”

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how time keeps slipping away. I think I’ll have to invest in some Velcro.

Thought of the Day

Being a zombie isn’t for everyone. You rot for the rest of eternity. And have an uncontrollable urge to eat human brains. But man, it’s a sweet job if you enjoy going for long walks.

Thought of the Day

I took my car to the shop the other day and the mechanic told me I needed a new muffler. I couldn’t afford that. So we settled on a pair of mittens.

Thought of the Day

I think I’d prefer to get shot at dawn. Getting shot at noon wouldn’t have quite the same ambience.

Thought of the Day

You wouldn’t believe how helpful the people are at McDonald’s. I went up to their counter the other day, and the server said, “Can I help you?” “Sure,” I replied. “Can you tell me who killed Jimmy Hoffa?” He said it was a guy named Tony.

Thought of the Day

I think the game “rock, paper, scissors” gives people with hands an unfair advantage.

Thought of the Day

I had a cast on my leg once but my daughter didn’t want to sign it. She sent me a text instead.

Thought of the Day

The Toronto Maple Leafs just announced they’re only dressing five defensemen for tonight's game. I guess that means the other players are going to freeze their ass off.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But I think someone forgot to do the math over in New Zealand. They’ve been around for 182 years now. That’s what you call “Old Zealand.”

Thought of the Day

If the Lone Ranger rode a tawny-coloured horse, does that mean he’d call him “Bronze”?

Thought of the Day

I hear there’s been a dramatic jump lately in the number of women applying to become ship captains. It all makes perfect sense to me. They’re the ones who’d have first crack at the lifeboats.

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure where Davy Jones’ locker is located. But if I had to hazard a guess, I think it must be right beside Mickey Dolenz’s locker.

Thought of the Day

I bet you didn’t realize that referees are experts when it comes to communication. Really. Take the ref’s whistle for instance. “Tweet!” is the universal language for “Hey! Cut that out!”

Thought of the Day

I hear former New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter just opened a chain of seafood restaurants. I have no interest in going myself. Apparently, the catch of the day is a pop fly.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend and I had a big fight yesterday. She tried to tell me that I was immature. So I called her "a big doo-doo head."

Thought of the Day

When life gives you lemons, it’s time to open a produce aisle.

Thought of the Day

Over 20 million turkeys were killed in Canada last year for Thanksgiving. Have you seen a turkey lately? I think they were asking for it.

Somebody Stop The Nazis

They were the most despicable regime in the history of the world. They killed millions of innocent people. They were…of course…the Nazis. But how did they know where to stop their reign of terror? 

 

Did they ever sit around a table one day and go…? 

 

hitler: Now…we must lay out our plans for world domination! And that includes death to the Jewish race! The Blacks and the Catholics also have no place in the Fatherland! We- Yes, Heinrich?

 

heinrich: What about spiders?

 

hitler: Spiders? 

 

heinrich: I don’t like spiders, mein Herr…

 

hitler: But surely a spider is no harm to the Fatherland.

 

heinrich: They can crawl up your leg. You wouldn’t want a Jew crawling up your leg.

 

hitler: Yes, good point! Okay…that’s Jews, Blacks, Catholics, spiders…

 

officer: Puppies?

 

hitler: You mean…Jewish puppies..?

 

officer: No, mein Herr…death to all puppies! I was bitten as a child…

 

hitler: Puppies…

 

officer: Yes.

 

hitler: With their little fluffy tails…

 

officer: And their little puppy dog eyes. Yes, mein Herr.

 

hitler: Okay…we have Jews, Blacks, Catholics, spiders, puppies…

 

emil: How about Inga?

 

hitler: What?? Your wife, Emil?

 

emil: Yes!

 

hitler: Is she…Jewish..?

 

emil: No, mein Herr. But when I come home late from the beer gardens, she busts my balls like you wouldn’t believe!

 

hitler: Okay… We have Jews, Blacks, spiders, puppies…and Inga. Is there anything else I’ve missed..?

 

second officer: Beef burritos? The master race has no place for gas, mein Herr.

 

emil: Death to beef burritos! Death to-

 

hitler: Quiet, Emil! OKAY… That’s death to Jews, Blacks, Catholics…spiders, puppies…and beef burritos.

 

emil: And Inga!

 

hitler: And…INGA. Sieg Heil!

 

all: SIEG HEIL!

Those Were The Days

When I was growing up, everybody and his brother were selling something by the side of the road. Flags… Velvet Elvis paintings… The worst was the guy with the seafood truck. He’d be pulled off the road, middle of August. And his truck would have a big cartoon lobster on the side – because cartoon lobsters are a sure sign of quality. 

A typical transaction would go something like this:

 “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yeah. What's your special of the day?”

“Botulism.”

“Botulism?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Hmm... All right. I’ll take two.”