Thought of the Day

My neighbour warned me there’s a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely Human Cannonball.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I’d rather have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I could always sell it on eBay.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if hollow logs feel empty inside.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel Gallagher.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a dog show in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why people try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.

Thought of the Day

It looks like the NHL has finally hit paydirt with their new 4 Nations Face-Off international hockey tournament, which averaged over 6.5 million viewers per game. They were actually going to call it – the 5 Nations Face-Off – but they couldn’t find enough players from Uruguay.

Thought of the Day

I think my dentist must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying to invent the first stick of dynamite.

Thought of the Day

I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started, and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his headphones off.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”

Thought of the Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what the hell does a banana do?

Thought of the Day

Everyone’s been protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder – and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.

Thought of the Day

My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that can talk?”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if one-humped camels ever think about getting a hump transplant.