Thought of the Day

I really need to clean my pantry out more often. The other day, I was cleaning out my pantry and found a can of boiled squirrel.

Thought of the Day

People seem to think robots can do anything a man can do – only better. I beg to differ on that. I’d like to see a robot try and scratch his balls.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl isn’t allowed at the amusement park anymore. The last time he went, Karl got into a heated argument with a ticket taker over what he considered to be a funhouse.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy is who invented tea. But I wonder how many times he had to drink hot water and leaves before his friends stopped laughing at him.

Thought of the Day

I think a sweet roll is really a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

I think the whole stigma about saying the word “fat” is getting a little bit out of hand. The other day, I went to buy a carton of milk at the store and the label said it had “2% Dom DeLuise."

Thought of the Day

My uncle Sid has always been a bit of a cheapskate. One time, he tried to sneak into a ballgame by drawing a chalk line down his back and pretending to be the third base line. Sid lasted four innings before the ushers finally noticed him.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said, “None of your damn business.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think they should raise some money for Yanni so he can afford a last name.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys to her Invisible Jet.

Thought of the Day

I guess everyone has to be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.

Thought of the Day

One time, when I was a kid, my grandfather took me out fishing in his boat. He told me to keep quiet or it’ll scare the fish. “How can the fish hear us if they don’t have ears?” I asked. My grandfather just looked at me. “Do you know how to swim?” he said. “Yeah, of course,” I replied. My grandfather went back to his fishing. “Too bad,” he said.

Thought of the Day

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t get him in to see Taylor Swift.

Thought of the Day

When I was in public school, we always had a lunch lady at our cafeteria. I guess it was standard practice back then. But I’d always wonder if she’d got demoted for screwing up breakfast.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Sherlock Holmes would get stumped trying to figure out what happened to the first Darrin on TV's Bewitched.

Thought of the Day

Everyone seems to think Christopher Columbus was this brilliant explorer because he set off from Spain and discovered America back in 1492. But Columbus wasn’t so great. The guy was looking for India. When I was in school, if I was supposed to find India on a map and found America, they would’ve sent me back a grade.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.

Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?