Thought of the Day

If I ever decide to run away and join the Foreign Legion, do me a favour and talk me out of it.

Thought of the Day

The next time you see a scruffy-looking guy walking around the liquor store with no shirt on, don’t go and complain to the management. Just tell my dad to come home already.

Thought of the Day

When I was in high school, we had a French teacher but no one could understand what the hell she was talking about.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that they send people to Hell is they need someone to play Parcheesi with Adolf Hitler.

Thought of the Day

If Meat Loaf went to a Business After 5, I often wonder if his nametag would say: “HELLO! My Name Is Meat Loaf.”

Thought of the Day

With all the overcrowding going on in today’s prisons, I think it’d be much easier to punish hardened criminals by making them watch reruns of She’s The Sheriff.

Thought of the Day

If you never played with green army men as a kid then you’ve never had the pleasure of throwing out “the minesweeper guy.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve never really believed in reincarnation. But if I did, I’d like to come back as a pigeon so I could take a dump on Art Garfunkel.

Thought of the Day

I read my horoscope the other day, and it said, “Don’t be afraid to give out helpful advice.” So when I was driving to work – and some guy cut me off – I told him where to go and how to get there.

Thought of the Day

I had a girlfriend once who told me she’d love to have dinner with Iggy Pop. I don’t know if I’d enjoy that, to be honest. I think I’d be too busy saying things like: “Are you sure I can’t get you a sweater?”

Thought of the Day

I went to see my dentist the other day, and he asked me if I’d seen any flying saucers lately. So I said, “No.” “Good!” he said. “That means you haven't discovered our invasion.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Elon Musk tried to hide his report cards from his parents growing up because his teachers would always mention their son was “a little squirrelly.”

Thought of the Day

If Superman is known as “The Man of Steel” then why hasn’t anyone ever tried to capture him with a magnet?

Thought of the Day

All my friends have been trying cannabis lately. I can’t say I’m a fan. I tried it once and thought it was a little crunchy.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if it’s okay to eat cottage cheese in an apartment.

Thought of the Day

We had to stop our softball game the other night. It wasn’t called on account of rain or anything. It was called on account of Joaquin Phoenix.

Thought of the Day

If the cops are so concerned about wearing bulletproof vests, I think they should start wearing bulletproof boots too. You never know when you’re going to run into a midget who’s armed and dangerous.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to wear a baseball cap unless you intend to play professionally.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to order French toast again. I went to Denny’s the other day, and my breakfast wouldn’t shut up about Jerry Lewis.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I gave my friend Jonas a dollar. I finally asked him when he was going to pay me back. He said, “When the cows come home.” Now, whenever I hear a cow moo, I get excited.