Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.

Thought of the Day

I think it would be waste of time to put someone like Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with a file in it.

Thought of the Day

We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about. I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.

Thought of the Day

I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.

Riddle Me This!

scene: The Batcave set of the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s playing ‘Pong.’

 

alfred: Mail for you, sir.

 

batman: (distracted) What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray down.) Oh, and Alfred..?

 

alfred: Yes?

 

batman: (turns) Have you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?

 

alfred: Pants, sir..?

 

batman: Yes. The one’s you aren’t wearing.

 

alfred: (rough) Sorry, sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.

 

batman: (shock) You...and Aunt Harriet...

 

alfred: The woman is insatiable, Master Bruce.

 

batman: Dear God, man... That stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!

 

alfred: I see. (Shrugs.) I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?  

 

batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?

 

alfred: Of course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)

 

batman: Robin! Come here a minute...

 

robin: (enters) Will this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.

 

batman: This is only a half hour show, chum.

 

robin: Oh. Right. (Stops, staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?

 

batman: Never mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)

 

robin: The Riddler! (Punches fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?

 

batman: (points) From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum. Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.

 

robin: Sure thing... (Robin flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s just a letter.

 

batman: Hmm. Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)

 

robin: What does it say?

 

batman: (reads) It says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?

 

robin: When it’s...Eggs Benedict!

 

batman: Exactly! Wait, there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?

 

robin: (thinks) One meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!

 

batman: (slams fist into desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.) Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)

 

alfred: (looks up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?

 

batman: Go dust something.

 

alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers off.)

 

batman: (looks up at camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to Robin.) Where was I?

 

robin: (checks script) Precisely...

 

batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never comes down?

 

robin: I’ve got it! A balloon!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: A buffalo with a jetpack!

 

batman: Sadly...no.

 

robin: Cher’s cheekbones?

 

batman: No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross Marilyn 

 

Monroe—with an ostrich?

 

robin: Screwed over at the box office!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: (clenching fist) A Jerry Springer episode!

 

batman: No, no... Here. Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)

 

robin: Okay. First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.) Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No. No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!

 

batman: Right! (Assumes fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?

 

robin: Go for my Batmace... Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!

 

batman: (stops) Very good.

 

robin: A dead duck. I don’t get it, Batman.

 

batman: It’s very simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!

 

robin: (holding up newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!

 

batman: (urgent) No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose! Robin...to the Batmobile!

Coming Attractions

A Christmas Interlude

Thought of the Day

I don’t really care for frogs’ legs. I’m more partial to frogs’ arms.

Thought of the Day

I had a German Shepherd once when I was growing up. But my parents had to get rid of it. They found out it was working for the Nazis.

Thought of the Day

I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a roll that’s from out of town.”

Thought of the Day

The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m going to slap him with a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.

Thought of the Day

I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”

Thought of the Day

I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just gonna buy a frigging cat already.

Thought of the Day

They say it’s a bad idea to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.

Thought of the Day

I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work her way through college somehow.