Thought of the Day

When I see someone with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a fork.

Thought of the Day

My dog thinks he’s pretty smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber chew toys.

Thought of The Day

I tried to buy the country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the gin and tonics.

Thought of the Day

I feel sorry for panhandlers because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and American Express.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make off with an entire case of anchovies.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’ Section.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you call a lighthouse when it’s been turned off.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you can call it buried treasure unless you’ve had a chance to look at it first.

Thought of the Day

Squirrels seem like pretty quiet, reserved animals. But everyone has their breaking point. The other day, part of a squirrel’s nest blew down in the wind, and all I could hear up in the tree was: “Son of a bitch! There goes the kitchen!”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Los Angeles wildfires in January did over $250-billion in damage, and destroyed over 10,000 buildings and celebrity homes. In fact, they’re considered one of the worst fires in modern history. But, oddly enough, they didn’t burn down Woody Harrelson.

Thought of the Day

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a McCrispy chicken sandwich. I’m not saying the service was slow. But by the time my sandwich arrived, I was eating a McSoggy.

Thought of the Day

 I often wonder if bingo callers can get sued for mispronunciation.

Thought of the Day

I’m not a fan of the new crayons they’re developing for kids these days. I looked at a box of Crayolas the other day, and the first crayon I picked out was called Blue Screen of Death.

Thought of the Day

There’s been a lot of speculation over the years that Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada’s first prime minister, was a hopeless drunk. I don’t have any problem with that myself. I’d always have a jug handy too if I had to deal with Alexander Mackenzie.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my girlfriend told me that she’s always been fascinated by my animal magnetism. That’s when I looked down and realized I was covered in cats.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some news anchor in the States just got fired for saying the N-word. I don’t know about you. But I think this is a rotten world we live in when you can’t even say the word “nachos.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you’d know if a man went streaking through a nudist colony.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Smedley was one of the richest men in the world. He made all his money selling shoes to caterpillars.

Thought of the Day

My grandfather has never been known for his patience. One time, he tried putting a scarecrow up in his cornfield – and took it down the next day. He thought it was getting a little too “chummy” with the crows.