Thought of the Day

We had to stop our softball game the other night. It wasn’t called on account of rain or anything. It was called on account of Joaquin Phoenix.

Thought of the Day

If the cops are so concerned about wearing bulletproof vests, I think they should start wearing bulletproof boots too. You never know when you’re going to run into a midget who’s armed and dangerous.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to wear a baseball cap unless you intend to play professionally.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to order French toast again. I went to Denny’s the other day, and my breakfast wouldn’t shut up about Jerry Lewis.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I gave my friend Jonas a dollar. I finally asked him when he was going to pay me back. He said, “When the cows come home.” Now, whenever I hear a cow moo, I get excited.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a drag race the other day – and it was really close. RuPaul won by a nose.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always liked the “Happy Birthday” song. That’s why I went out and bought the album.

Thought of the Day

Carmen Miranda was one of the biggest Latin American stars of the ‘40s and ‘50s. She sang. She danced. She performed in over a dozen Hollywood movies. But that first meeting with her agent must’ve been tough. I mean, what do you say when your manager asks: “How do you feel about wearing fruit salad on your head?"

Thought of the Day

I walked through my house the other day and found four houseflies hanging around. So I started charging them rent.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the jet boat should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

People are always flying flags at half-mast when someone dies. So, the other day, I noticed an old man putting his Canadian flag at half-mast. I stopped to ask him who’d passed away. He said, “Queen Elizabeth.” “But Queen Elizabeth died three years ago,” I said. “I know,” he said. “That’s how long it took me to afford the pole.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many times Barry Gibb has had a weak moment and bought a can of Gillette Foamy at Walgreens.

Thought of the Day

When I see someone with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a fork.

Thought of the Day

My dog thinks he’s pretty smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber chew toys.

Thought of The Day

I tried to buy the country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the gin and tonics.

Thought of the Day

I feel sorry for panhandlers because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and American Express.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make off with an entire case of anchovies.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’ Section.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you call a lighthouse when it’s been turned off.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”