Thought of the Day

I keep hearing a woman’s voice in my head. Fortunately, it’s only at Shoppers Drug Mart. And it’s very pleasant. The voice is always saying things like “Customer service... Call 101, please.”

Thought of the Day

Who was the sick puppy that came up with the idea of serving “liver and onions”? Were they all out of spleen and celery that day?

Thought of the Day

I think it might be time to retire the 007 series. In the next movie I hear they’re going to give James Bond a license to eat jello.

Thought of the Day

I’m not a very good mountain climber. But I am a pretty accomplished mountain faller.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people get confused if Disney is located in Florida or California. Well, if you really want to get technical about it, he’s located in the freezer next to Ted Williams.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is one brave man. He went and got a vasectomy last week. But that’s not the really impressive part. Karl did it himself with a vice grip and a pair of needle-nose pliers.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why Adam and Eve were banished from The Garden of Eden. God probably wanted them to get out and get a real job.

Thought of the Day

They say men aren’t the best when it comes to communicating. And it’s true. I’ll give you a perfect example. My grandpa let one go in a crowded elevator the other day. And he didn’t tell a soul.

Thought for the Day

It’s always a good idea to let sleeping dogs lie. That goes double for Siberian mountain lions.

Thought of the Day

My friend was looking a little down so I asked him what was the matter. “I got a pink slip the other day,” he said. “Well,” I said, “pull your pants up and no one’ll notice.”

Thought of the Day

I bought a box of Cracker Jack the other day and it didn’t have a toy prize inside. I was pretty bummed out. That’s like going to see The Eagles and they don’t play “Hotel California.”

Thought of the Day

I think inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

Thought of the Day

Call me crazy. But if I’m going to spend millions of dollars and countless man hours trying to launch a rocket into space, I’m not going to hire a guy named Buzz Aldrin.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why Bigfoot has never been seen out in public. I think he’s offended no one will recognize his other foot.

Thought of the Day

When was the last time you played football? For me, it was the day my coach sat me down and said, “This is the last time you’re playing football.”

Thought of the Day

I was pretty ambitious when I was growing up. In the summer for instance, I never had a lemonade stand like the other kids in the neighbourhood. I opened up a Tim Hortons and put them all out of business.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think people would be more impressed with an asteroid belt if it came with a nice pair of breathable slacks.

Thought of the Day

Next time you go to a friend’s wedding, don’t be afraid to get out on that dance floor and shake what your mother gave you. Even if it’s years of resentment and an inferiority complex.

Thought of the Day

If you put on a lifesaver, and end up drowning, that’s what I call false advertising.

Thought of the Day

I always make it a point to refuse ice water when I go out to a restaurant. I mean, c’mon. My body’s already 60% water! Who do they think I am? Aquaman?