Thought of the Day

I just picked up the new Ultimate Edition of The Wizard of Oz on Blu-ray. And you wouldn’t believe all the special features they have packed in there. There’s newsreels, documentaries, radio promos. The extras are so comprehensive, they even have a rare clip of Judy Garland beating the crap out of Toto.

Thought of the Day

I’m not going to visit Easter Island any time soon. I can’t see the point of going halfway round the world just to roll some hardboiled eggs around.

Thought of the Day

If people make small talk, what kind of talk do dwarves make?

Thought of the Day

Employers always want you to give your job “110%.” If 100% is the maximum amount, anything over that is mathematically impossible. So the last time my boss asked me to give my job 110%, I asked him to give me a 10% raise. “Where am I supposed to get that kind of money?” he asked. “I don’t know,” I said. “The same place you’re getting that extra 10%.”

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or does Neil Young put out a new album every half an hour?

Thought of the Day

With modern nutrition, people are taller now than they’ve ever been before. Don’t believe me? Just look at medieval suits of armor. Back then, the knights were only five feet tall. You think that’s bad? Imagine the cavemen! Those guys could fit in a shoebox.

Thought of the Day

These survey takers are really getting out of hand. I was downtown the other day, and one of them asked me if I had any spare change. So, what the hell. I said, “Yes.”

Thought of the Day

They say that Jesus could walk on water. So what? I saw David Copperfield do that in Vegas once.

Thought of the Day

Here’s something you probably didn’t know... During World War II, the Japanese didn’t actually surrender in 1945 when the United States dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They only gave up after the U.S. threatened to send over Chuck Norris.

Thought of the Day

I just bought a new car, and decided to get all the bells and whistles. For instance, instead of a side view mirror, I got a funhouse mirror. It works just like a regular mirror, except it has a warning that reads, “Objects In Mirror Aren’t As Funny As They Appear.”

Thought of the Day

I’d love to get a job in a hospital some day. Not because I like cutting people open or anything. I just think it’d be cool to work in your pajamas.

Thought of the Day

It’s strange meeting celebrities when you’re not expecting it. I remember working at a farmer’s market one time, and Alex Trebek came in to buy a couple rutabagas. I didn’t recognize him at first. That is, until he placed his order in the form of a question.

Thought of the Day

I’m glad I can’t understand what birds are saying. I gather it’s all based on mating calls. And I don’t think I could handle a whole day of hearing: “Hey, Sweet Cheeks! Get a load of this!"

Thought of the Day

When they’re waking up from hibernation, I wonder how many bears out there have hit the snooze button and slept through April.

Thought of the Day

I think these new sanctions the U.S. is imposing on Russia for invading Ukraine are getting a little bit out of hand. I hear it’s getting so bad that the U.S. just announced they’re placing a ban on Yakov Smirnoff.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ted just got himself a trophy wife. She’s a cute bleach blonde, has a body that just won’t quit, and is always the life of the party. Too bad she’s only four inches tall.

Thought of the Day

In my mind, you can’t make a million dollars until you make a million dollars.

Thought of the Day

I ran out of salt to de-ice my front walk this winter – so I tried some Tabasco sauce. It didn’t help with the ice. But it did make my walk more moist and delicious.

Thought of the Day

People are getting way too sensitive these days. But that’s not a new thing. Back in the 1860s, my great-great-uncle Abner was a popular comic on the U.S. stage circuit. One time, after the Civil War, he told a joke about Abraham Lincoln getting shot at Ford’s Theatre. And some guy in the audience cried, “Too soon!”

Thought of the Day

My parakeet is afraid of flying – so I went and bought him a moped. He’s got the hang of it so far. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for all those speeding tickets.