Bruce Hornsby says I shouldn’t be making fun of a
three-time Grammy Award winner with more gold and platinum records than you can
shake a stick at. I think he even used the word “punk.” I finally had to hang
up on him... The guy was biting into my couch time.
Thursday, April 28, 2022
Wednesday, April 27, 2022
Something's The Matter With Bruce
I thought I’d heard the last of that graham cracker Bruce
Hornsby. Man, was I wrong. I just got off the phone with him.
Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Something's The Matter With Bruce
Bruce Hornsby just sent me a nasty email to complain about
my last post. Hopefully he doesn’t sick “The Range” on me.
Monday, April 25, 2022
Thought of the Day
A friend told me that fax machines are virtually obsolete
now. So I went and sold mine to Bruce Hornsby.
Friday, April 22, 2022
Thought of the Day
I was reading that the SpaceX Corporation has plans to
begin colonizing Mars by the year 2029. And a quarter of a million people have
already registered for the expedition. If you ask me, I think it’s doomed from
the start. Apparently half of those people just signed up so they can take a
selfie.
Thursday, April 21, 2022
Wednesday, April 20, 2022
Thought of the Day
Here’s
a helpful tip… If you’re a cow, and want to get into a relationship with
another consenting cow, it might be a good idea to check their Best Before
Date.
Tuesday, April 19, 2022
Thought of the Day
I was reading that the average ant can lift up to five
thousand times its own body weight. So I was a little upset when I stepped on
one the other day. I think my exact words were: “C’mon, you slacker! Walk it
off!”
Monday, April 18, 2022
Thought of the Day
I tried going out with a mermaid once but it didn’t work
out. Her friends were too slimy for me.
Friday, April 15, 2022
Thought of the Day
I can’t tell you how important it is to get an education.
Take my great-aunt Matilda for instance. Matilda came over from the old country
back in the Thirties and refused to learn a lick of English. Which is a shame.
Because it certainly would’ve helped the day she drove by that sign that said,
“Bridge Out.”
Thursday, April 14, 2022
Thought of the Day
If you ask me, Superman made a big mistake calling his
house, “The Fortress of Solitude.” What if he wants to invite all his super
friends over?
Wednesday, April 13, 2022
Thought of the Day
I just picked up the new Ultimate Edition of The Wizard of
Oz on Blu-ray. And you wouldn’t believe all the special features they have packed in there. There’s newsreels, documentaries, radio promos. The extras are
so comprehensive, they even have a rare clip of Judy Garland beating the crap
out of Toto.
Tuesday, April 12, 2022
Thought of the Day
I’m not going to visit Easter Island any time soon. I
can’t see the point of going halfway round the world just to roll some
hardboiled eggs around.
Monday, April 11, 2022
Friday, April 8, 2022
Thought of the Day
Employers always want you to give your job “110%.” If 100%
is the maximum amount, anything over that is mathematically impossible. So the
last time my boss asked me to give my job 110%, I asked him to give me a 10%
raise. “Where am I supposed to get that kind of money?” he asked. “I don’t
know,” I said. “The same place you’re getting that extra 10%.”
Thursday, April 7, 2022
Wednesday, April 6, 2022
Thought of the Day
With modern nutrition, people are taller now than they’ve ever
been before. Don’t believe me? Just look at medieval suits of armor. Back then,
the knights were only five feet tall. You think that’s bad? Imagine the
cavemen! Those guys could fit in a shoebox.
Tuesday, April 5, 2022
Thought of the Day
These survey takers are really getting out of hand. I was
downtown the other day, and one of them asked me if I had any spare change. So,
what the hell. I said, “Yes.”
Monday, April 4, 2022
Thought of the Day
They say that Jesus could walk on water. So what? I saw
David Copperfield do that in Vegas once.
Friday, April 1, 2022
Thought of the Day
Here’s something you probably didn’t know... During World
War II, the Japanese didn’t actually surrender in 1945 when the United States
dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They only gave up after the
U.S. threatened to send over Chuck Norris.
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