Thought of the Day

I wonder if Sting is still looking for his last name in the dip.

 

Thought of the Day

I hear Spiderman just got arrested for sexual assault. Apparently it wasn’t just his Spider-Sense that was tingling.

Thought of the Day

When you take swimming lessons, there are only two types of student. Star pupil and body at the bottom of the pool.

Thought of the Day

If Stevie Wonder was taking his driver’s test, and the examiner asked him to check his blind spot, how would he know where to look?

Thought of the Day

People always carry a rabbit’s foot around with them for good luck. But I hardly think that’s good luck for the rabbit.

Thought of the Day

I was at a party the other day and ended up talking to a laughing hyena. I tried telling him a few jokes but couldn’t even get a smile out of him. “How come you’re not laughing?” I asked. He just went back to drinking his Fresca. “It’s my day off,” he said.

Thought of the Day

I think if you’ve got a spring in your step, you might want to see a podiatrist.

Thought of the Day

I’m not allergic to peanut butter. But I am allergic to jam. I’ve got an EpiPen just for boysenberry.

Thought of the Day

They say that drinking coffee is a good way to stunt your growth. I can think of an even better way. Cyanide.

Thought of the Day

You’re supposed to make a wish when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My wish actually came true once! I wished that everyone at the table would catch influenza.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a 29-year-old woman has been charged for posing as a teenager at a New Jersey high school. I don’t know what kind of jail time she’s looking at. But I’d think going to high school would be punishment enough.

Thought of the Day

Back in my car selling days, one of my first customers was a circus clown. This guy had his heart set on a little green coupe we had on the lot. I tried my damnedest to upsell him from a two-door to a nice four-door sedan. But he wasn’t interested. All he really wanted was a little legroom for his wife. And his 38 friends.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always wondered why Hershey’s called its candy bar – Almond Joy. I guess “Almond Louise” just didn’t catch on.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to be associated with the Communist Party. I love a party as much as the next guy.

Thought of the Day

I just read a new study that says 70% of husbands feel they’re getting enough sex. Unfortunately, 65% of wives wonder why their husbands keep getting calls from a girl named “Ruby.”

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to check out some of the world’s most endangered creatures. And I must've spent an hour waiting to see the most popular exhibit. It’s a guy who still has iPhone 7.

Thought of the Day

If we use ranch dressing in the city, what kind of dressing do they use out in the country?

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Eugene was a real visionary. You might not have heard his name before. But he was the first man to use chicken wire to fence in goats.

Thought of the Day

I think buying a trampoline for a kangaroo would be a complete waste of time.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my grandpa told me he wanted to be buried at sea. I said, “There’s no dirt out at sea. So technically we wouldn’t be burying you. We’d just be throwing you overboard.” He said, “You’re out of the will.”