Thought of the Day

I got on the bus the other day and sat down next to an old guy doing a crossword puzzle. “Hey, Mack,” he said, “this one’s got me stumped. What’s a five letter word for aquariums?” “Tanks,” I said. The old guy just smiled at me and said, “You’re welcome!” I went and found another seat.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is always looking for ways to save money. One time, instead of buying his girlfriend an engagement ring, he bought her a giant foam hand that said: “You’re Number One!” I guess she wasn’t too thrilled about it. Karl spent that winter in the hospital.

Thought of the Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but nobody loves you. Not even your cat.

Thought of the Day

I think cows would make a lot more purchases if they had a decent place to keep their wallet.

Thought of the Day

Why does Batman always talk like he needs a lozenge? You’d think “Bruce Wayne” could afford a Halls once in a while.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, we went out camping with my Aunt Gertrude once. I remember it well because my aunt actually died of spontaneous combustion. We were all pretty devastated at the time. That is, until we realized Aunt Gertrude was a great way to get the fire started.

Thought of the Day

Dolphins may be one of the most intelligent creatures in the world. But they still have a hard time trying to figure out why Adrian Zmed got the hosting gig on Dance Fever.

Thought of the Day

I know people love their bologna. But olive loaf has that certain je ne sais quoi.

Thought of the Day

I guess you heard all about the death of one-time Eight Is Enough star Adam Rich. I wasn’t too broke up about it myself. I was just disappointed it wasn’t Willie Ames.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Sting is still looking for his last name in the dip.

 

Thought of the Day

I hear Spiderman just got arrested for sexual assault. Apparently it wasn’t just his Spider-Sense that was tingling.

Thought of the Day

When you take swimming lessons, there are only two types of student. Star pupil and body at the bottom of the pool.

Thought of the Day

If Stevie Wonder was taking his driver’s test, and the examiner asked him to check his blind spot, how would he know where to look?

Thought of the Day

People always carry a rabbit’s foot around with them for good luck. But I hardly think that’s good luck for the rabbit.

Thought of the Day

I was at a party the other day and ended up talking to a laughing hyena. I tried telling him a few jokes but couldn’t even get a smile out of him. “How come you’re not laughing?” I asked. He just went back to drinking his Fresca. “It’s my day off,” he said.

Thought of the Day

I think if you’ve got a spring in your step, you might want to see a podiatrist.

Thought of the Day

I’m not allergic to peanut butter. But I am allergic to jam. I’ve got an EpiPen just for boysenberry.

Thought of the Day

They say that drinking coffee is a good way to stunt your growth. I can think of an even better way. Cyanide.

Thought of the Day

You’re supposed to make a wish when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My wish actually came true once! I wished that everyone at the table would catch influenza.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a 29-year-old woman has been charged for posing as a teenager at a New Jersey high school. I don’t know what kind of jail time she’s looking at. But I’d think going to high school would be punishment enough.