Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people feel so compelled to wear a Fitbit to monitor how much exercise they’re doing. I’ve got an UnFitbit. It’s just like a Fitbit – except it tells me how much exercise I’m not doing.

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need the flight attendants to tell me when lunch is being served. I just need to know where I can set up my hibachi.

Thought of the Day

Last night, the traffic was so bad getting to the movies – I was beside myself. Unfortunately, that meant I had to pay double to get in the show.

Thought of the Day

People tell me it was a waste of time graduating with a degree in micromanagement. I thought it was pretty rewarding myself. Can’t say I was thrilled with my diploma though. You can only see it with a microscope.

Thought of the Day

Bugs Bunny is the only cartoon character I know who can make it look fun to be a transvestite.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere. So last week I took her down to the post office and mailed her to Florida.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Jesus was cheesed off when he rose from the dead and discovered everyone was just sitting around eating chocolate Easter eggs.

Thought of the Day

Dogs just aren’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, I asked my dog what he thought of The Godfather movies. He said he liked Pacino but thought Coppola was highly overrated.

Thought of the Day

If “ifs and buts” were “candies and nuts,” the world would be a very strange place.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been looking all over the place for a good pair of gardening hoes. Lucky for me I found them on the corner.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why Pete Best was kicked out of The Beatles. I mean, if you’re looking for the best drummer out there, you can’t do any better than that.

Thought of the Day

If someone burned down a banjo factory, I wouldn’t consider that a crime. I’d call that a public service.

Thought of the Day

What does Harry Belafonte like on his egg salad sandwich? MAY-O! MAAAY-O!

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being the Pope. Oh, I wouldn’t mind celebrating Mass, and spreading the word of God and all that. I’d just hate having to take off eight layers before I could take a dump.

Thought of the Day

I think anyone wearing socks and sandals is just trying to tell the world, “I’m not really concerned with getting laid.”

Thought of the Day

I thought about stopping to pick up a hitchhiker once. But then I thought, what if the guy’s just trying to tell me he likes my driving?

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented Crazy Glue actually had a serious mental illness.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure I could win a gold medal – if the Olympics ever added an event for channel surfing.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Phil has always been crazy about club sandwiches. You might think that’s no big deal – but Phil’s kids would beg to differ. He named them “Bacon,” “Lettuce” and “Tomato.”

Thought of the Day

I wonder if male ladybugs ever question their masculinity.