Tuesday, December 5, 2023

Thought of the Day

People always say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t say I felt the same way when they took out my appendix.

Monday, December 4, 2023

Thought of the Day

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the comedy magic duo Penn & Teller. And I’m sure you know Teller never says a word on stage. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. Teller can’t speak because he got his balls shot off in Korea.

Thursday, November 30, 2023

Friday, November 24, 2023

Thought of the Day

You can tell man o’ wars must get lonely. You never see any woman o’ wars around.

Thursday, November 23, 2023

Thought of the Day

I think armrests discriminate against people who don’t have arms.

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

Thought of the Day

I bought a book the other day but I had to take it back. The first three pages were blank.

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a supervillain, and plotting to take over the world, don’t forget you’re also going to inherit North Korea, global warming, and the entire cast of The Buddy Holly Story. Trust me. You don’t want to mess with Gary Busey.

Monday, November 20, 2023

Thought of the Day

I know you can’t say the word “fat” any more. But does that mean you can’t sit around a potbelly stove?

Friday, November 17, 2023

Thought of the Day

I just bought a communication enhancement app the other day. You might’ve heard of it. It’s called a pencil.

Thursday, November 16, 2023

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Lucius was an incredible miner when he was growing up. It’s just too bad he never used that talent to become a rich man. You can only do so much with booger nuggets.

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Thought of the Day

Raining cats and dogs isn’t so bad. It’s the clean up afterwards that’s a real bitch.

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

Thought of the Day

If you put out a bear trap, and catch a moose, you might want to double check the instructions.

Monday, November 13, 2023

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Friday, November 10, 2023

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Elton John always wears those big capes and flashy rhinestone outfits. My Uncle Dave used to dress up like that and we finally had to put him away.

Thursday, November 9, 2023

Thought of the Day

If animals in the zoo could talk, I think the first thing they’d say is: “I want to see my lawyer!”

Wednesday, November 8, 2023

Thought of the Day

We don’t see our Uncle Harry much any more. But I guess that’s what happens when you get caught selling pure grade heroin.

Tuesday, November 7, 2023

Thought of the Day

The other day, I gave my parakeet a little bit of marijuana. It didn’t seem to bother him at first. But now all he wants to do is listen to my Grateful Dead records.

Monday, November 6, 2023

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t know a single elephant who's a Republican.

Friday, October 27, 2023

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who came up with the terms “soft ball” and “hard ball” but it certainly wasn’t Einstein. Have you ever been hit by one? I think they should be called “hard ball” and “even harder ball.”

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, I would definitely tell you about it.