Thought of the Day

I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work her way through college somehow.

Thought of the Day

Wood burning sets aren’t for everyone. But they are a good way to practice if you want to become a pyromaniac.

Thought of the Day

I went to an “all you can eat” seafood restaurant the other day and ended up eating all their baby shrimp. I guess I got a little shellfish.

Thought of the Day

People always say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t say I felt the same way when they took out my appendix.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the comedy magic duo Penn & Teller. And I’m sure you know Teller never says a word on stage. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. Teller can’t speak because he got his balls shot off in Korea.

A Fond Farewell

Thought of the Day

You can tell man o’ wars must get lonely. You never see any woman o’ wars around.

Thought of the Day

I think armrests discriminate against people who don’t have arms.

Thought of the Day

I bought a book the other day but I had to take it back. The first three pages were blank.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a supervillain, and plotting to take over the world, don’t forget you’re also going to inherit North Korea, global warming, and the entire cast of The Buddy Holly Story. Trust me. You don’t want to mess with Gary Busey.

Thought of the Day

I know you can’t say the word “fat” any more. But does that mean you can’t sit around a potbelly stove?

Thought of the Day

I just bought a communication enhancement app the other day. You might’ve heard of it. It’s called a pencil.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Lucius was an incredible miner when he was growing up. It’s just too bad he never used that talent to become a rich man. You can only do so much with booger nuggets.

Thought of the Day

Raining cats and dogs isn’t so bad. It’s the clean up afterwards that’s a real bitch.

Thought of the Day

If you put out a bear trap, and catch a moose, you might want to double check the instructions.

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Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Elton John always wears those big capes and flashy rhinestone outfits. My Uncle Dave used to dress up like that and we finally had to put him away.

Thought of the Day

If animals in the zoo could talk, I think the first thing they’d say is: “I want to see my lawyer!”

Thought of the Day

We don’t see our Uncle Harry much any more. But I guess that’s what happens when you get caught selling pure grade heroin.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I gave my parakeet a little bit of marijuana. It didn’t seem to bother him at first. But now all he wants to do is listen to my Grateful Dead records.