Thought of the Day

I went to Switzerland for vacation once but it took me forever to get anywhere. All the drivers were stuck in neutral.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I bought some breakfast cereal, and it started going “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” I’d break out the fire extinguisher.

Thought of the Day

For years now, scientists have been saying it was a giant meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. If you ask me, I think it was their refusal to switch to decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if any plainclothes police officers have been fired for wearing lime green chinos.

Thought of the Day

I like to collect all the shoes I find by the side of the road. That way, if I see a girl hobbling around on one shoe, I’ve got a good opening line.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my Uncle Sid always claimed he was a lumbering expert. And I’m sure that’s an absolute fact. Sid weighed over 280 so he could lumber with the best of them.

Thought of the Day

If monkeys are so smart then why are so many of them in cages?

Thought of the Day

I don’t do much travelling any more. But I do collect frequent flyer miles when I go to The Land of Nod.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why lion tamers use a whip and a chair to get lions to do what they want. If you ask me, it’d be much easier if they just took them out to dinner and a show.

Thought of the Day

Last week, I went to the supermarket to pick up some French Vanilla ice cream. But I had to give up in disgust. All they had was Bolivian.

Thought of the Day

I got kicked off a miniature golf course once. The staff didn’t have any problems when I paid my admission. But I guess they got a little upset when I brought in my golf cart.

Thought of the Day

Hitler was one of the most reprehensible dictators known to man. The Devil’s wingman. Evil incarnate. That sort of thing. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. When the Nazis started rounding up the Jews during World War Two, Hitler complained that he could never find a good bagel.

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older. When I was growing up, I was always concerned with getting enough attention. These days, all I’m concerned with is getting enough bran.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.

Thought of the Day

I think it would be waste of time to put someone like Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with a file in it.

Thought of the Day

We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about. I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.

Thought of the Day

I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.