Thought of the Day

I’m never going to play water polo again. Sure, it was fun and everything. But it took me forever to get the horses in those little tiny bathing suits.

Thought of the Day

I have this little chickadee that keeps tapping on my window every morning. So I finally went to see what all the noise was about. He just wanted to tell me that my bird seed is crap.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some guy just discovered Amelia Earhart’s plane after it disappeared over the Pacific 87 years ago. I’ll have to give him a call and see if he can help me find my car keys.

Thought of the Day

I think the schools are taking things a little too far when it comes to banning books. I hear one school board in Alabama just banned Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham. Apparently they thought the green eggs and ham were getting too familiar with one another.

Thought of the Day

If at first you don’t succeed, you don’t succeed.

Thought of the Day

I went to Switzerland for vacation once but it took me forever to get anywhere. All the drivers were stuck in neutral.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I bought some breakfast cereal, and it started going “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” I’d break out the fire extinguisher.

Thought of the Day

For years now, scientists have been saying it was a giant meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. If you ask me, I think it was their refusal to switch to decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if any plainclothes police officers have been fired for wearing lime green chinos.

Thought of the Day

I like to collect all the shoes I find by the side of the road. That way, if I see a girl hobbling around on one shoe, I’ve got a good opening line.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my Uncle Sid always claimed he was a lumbering expert. And I’m sure that’s an absolute fact. Sid weighed over 280 so he could lumber with the best of them.

Thought of the Day

If monkeys are so smart then why are so many of them in cages?

Thought of the Day

I don’t do much travelling any more. But I do collect frequent flyer miles when I go to The Land of Nod.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why lion tamers use a whip and a chair to get lions to do what they want. If you ask me, it’d be much easier if they just took them out to dinner and a show.

Thought of the Day

Last week, I went to the supermarket to pick up some French Vanilla ice cream. But I had to give up in disgust. All they had was Bolivian.

Thought of the Day

I got kicked off a miniature golf course once. The staff didn’t have any problems when I paid my admission. But I guess they got a little upset when I brought in my golf cart.

Thought of the Day

Hitler was one of the most reprehensible dictators known to man. The Devil’s wingman. Evil incarnate. That sort of thing. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. When the Nazis started rounding up the Jews during World War Two, Hitler complained that he could never find a good bagel.

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older. When I was growing up, I was always concerned with getting enough attention. These days, all I’m concerned with is getting enough bran.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.