Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me out for children’s birthday parties.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once. He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything. He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.

Thought of the Day

They say the Mounties always get their man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh ever got cheesed off at A.A. Milne for giving him such an obscene name.

Thought of the Day

One summer, I got a job proofreading for a skywriting company. The pay was pretty good – but I finally had to quit. I kept getting a hernia trying to pick up the eraser.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they always teach soldiers how to march. I think it’d be a much better idea if they taught them how to roll over and play dead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Caitlyn Jenner, and you’ve just had a massive sex change operation, don’t forget to remember which washroom you have to go in.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I woke up and discovered I was out of 2% milk. All I had was condensed milk! But everything turned out all right. I was able to eat my cereal in half the time.

Thought of the Day

I bought an early model car at an estate sale the other day. I can tell it’s an early model because every time I turn on the radio, all it plays is Gregorian chants.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented the after-dinner mint only did it because the after-breakfast mint never caught on.

Thought of the Day

My cousin has never had a problem growing a moustache…which is unfortunate because her name is Krystal.

Warning! Harmful Stereotype Ahead

Thought of the Day

I don’t have any problem with getting a groundhog to predict the weather. I just think the first guy to suggest the idea must’ve been really high.

Thought of the Day

I tried to be a pimp once, when I was eight-years-old. But it didn’t last very long. I could never get my mom to show a little leg.

Thought of the Day

If Aquaman ate a tuna fish sandwich, I wonder if he’d have to wait an hour before he could go in swimming.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re looking for a job, and your first name is “Dwayne,” you might want to avoid applying to anything in the bathtub industry.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think CBS is doing well financially these days. I hear things are so bad they just cut 60 Minutes down to half an hour.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Americans are so enamored with the Constitution. It was written by the same guys who thought that wearing wooden teeth was a good idea.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got charged with distracted driving one time. But they didn’t catch him texting on his phone. He was busy watching a girl in a halter top.

Thought of the Day

 I think it’s okay to put a hat and coat on your dog. Just be aware that he’s going to get you back for it.