When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon
once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty
alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me
out for children’s birthday parties.
Monday, April 1, 2024
Friday, March 29, 2024
Thought of the Day
My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once.
He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything.
He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Thought of the Day
They
say the Mounties always get their man. Not that there’s anything wrong with
that.
Wednesday, March 27, 2024
Thought of the Day
I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh ever got cheesed off at A.A.
Milne for giving him such an obscene name.
Tuesday, March 26, 2024
Thought of the Day
One
summer, I got a job proofreading for a skywriting company. The pay was pretty
good – but I finally had to quit. I kept getting a hernia trying to pick up the
eraser.
Monday, March 25, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t understand why they always teach soldiers how to
march. I think it’d be a much better idea if they taught them how to roll over
and play dead.
Friday, March 22, 2024
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Caitlyn Jenner, and
you’ve just had a massive sex change operation, don’t forget to remember which
washroom you have to go in.
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Thought of the Day
The other day, I woke up and discovered I was out of 2% milk.
All I had was condensed milk! But everything turned out all right. I was able
to eat my cereal in half the time.
Wednesday, March 20, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
bought an early model car at an estate sale the other day. I can tell it’s an
early model because every time I turn on the radio, all it plays is Gregorian
chants.
Tuesday, March 19, 2024
Thought of the Day
I often wonder if the guy who invented the after-dinner
mint only did it because the after-breakfast mint never caught on.
Monday, March 18, 2024
Thought of the Day
My cousin has never had a problem growing a
moustache…which is unfortunate because her name is Krystal.
Friday, March 15, 2024
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t have any problem with getting a groundhog to
predict the weather. I just think the first guy to suggest the idea must’ve
been really high.
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
Thought of the Day
I tried to be a pimp once, when I was eight-years-old. But
it didn’t last very long. I could never get my mom to show a little leg.
Tuesday, March 12, 2024
Thought of the Day
If
Aquaman ate a tuna fish sandwich, I wonder if he’d have to wait an hour before
he could go in swimming.
Monday, March 11, 2024
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re looking for a job, and
your first name is “Dwayne,” you might want to avoid applying to anything in
the bathtub industry.
Friday, March 8, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t think CBS is
doing well financially these days. I hear things are so bad they just cut 60
Minutes down to half an hour.
Thursday, March 7, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t understand why Americans are so enamored with the
Constitution. It was written by the same guys who thought that wearing wooden
teeth was a good idea.
Wednesday, March 6, 2024
Thought of the Day
My friend Karl got charged with distracted driving one
time. But they didn’t catch him texting on his phone. He was busy watching a
girl in a halter top.
Tuesday, March 5, 2024
Thought of the Day
I think it’s okay to put a hat and coat on your
dog. Just be aware that he’s going to get you back for it.
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