Thought of the Day

I think men would trade places with a cat in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with licking their own balls.

Thought of the Day

I think the weatherman on Channel 4 is starting to get sick of his job. The other day, I tried turning on his weather forecast, and all I heard him say was: “Look out your fucking window.”

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

My buddy set me up on a blind date once. I must admit, I got a lot more action than I anticipated. Who knew Helen Keller was such a good kisser?

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Cap’n Crunch had no business being in the military.

Thought of the Day

Well, looks like Alec Baldwin is going back to court. But it’s not over the shooting on the set of Rust. I guess he’s being sued for starring in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

Thought of the Day

I’m not too concerned about artificial intelligence taking over the world. The way I figure it, AI can’t screw things up any worse than we did already.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I remember my mother told me once that the moon is made of green cheese. But I knew she was lying. If the moon was really made of green cheese, someone would’ve thrown it out by now.

Thought of the Day

O.J. Simpson died of cancer the other day at the age of 76. It’s too bad he didn’t live a little longer. Maybe then he could’ve found the real killers.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie started a dog walking service once but it didn’t work out very well. He let the dogs out for a walk and they never came back.

Thought of the Day

Back in my college days, I used to go out with a girl who worked at Minute Maid. Man – I could tell you some juicy stories.

Thought of the Day

Every country is famous for something. The Swiss have their chocolate. Germany is highly admired for its beer. It’s too bad the only thing Greece is known for is John Travolta.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why ranchers brand their cattle so they can identify them. I think it’d be much easier if they just gave them a nametag.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me out for children’s birthday parties.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once. He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything. He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.

Thought of the Day

They say the Mounties always get their man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh ever got cheesed off at A.A. Milne for giving him such an obscene name.

Thought of the Day

One summer, I got a job proofreading for a skywriting company. The pay was pretty good – but I finally had to quit. I kept getting a hernia trying to pick up the eraser.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they always teach soldiers how to march. I think it’d be a much better idea if they taught them how to roll over and play dead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Caitlyn Jenner, and you’ve just had a massive sex change operation, don’t forget to remember which washroom you have to go in.