Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I started going out with a girl who’s a Christian. She’s a firm believer in doing unto others.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind going to hell – as long as I can bring along some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been studying the Pittsburgh Penguins lately – and their team logo is a huge pissed off penguin with a hockey stick. I don’t know if it’s just me. But I had no idea penguins have anger management issues.

Thought of the Day

There’s a big difference between chickens that are raised in the city and chickens that are raised in the country. Chickens raised in the city are much more jaded.

Thought of the Day

I tried to pick up a mermaid at a bar the other night but she wouldn’t give me her number. She just said her address was “water, water, water.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve often wondered why Frankenstein always has those two knobs on his neck. I guess one's for sharpness and one’s for contrast.

Thought of the Day

I went to the gas station the other day, and noticed the price of gas had gone up 22 cents a litre! I went inside and asked the guy why the price had jumped so high. He said, “Because I need a new jacuzzi.”

Thought of the Day

I was involved in a bad car accident the other day. I tried setting my coffee down and it dumped all over the upholstery.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Mickey Mouse, and Minnie wants to get a little amorous, you better get Walt Disney to start drawing you anatomically correct.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why possums always play dead when they’re cornered by a predator. If I were a possum, I’d rather play alive and get the hell out of there.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why you won’t see an elephant hitchhiking by the side of the road. Elephants don’t have opposable thumbs.

Thought of the Day

Restaurant owners who try offering an “All You Can Eat” special always end up losing their shirts. If I had a special like that I’d just hang up a sign that says: “All you can eat – as long as you’re a marsupial.”

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need some flight attendant to tell me how to use my seat as a floatation device. I just need to know where I can store my pontoon boat.

Thought of the Day

I threw a quarter into a wishing well the other day – and made a wish – but nothing happened. Now I just wish I had my quarter back.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Louie has always been fond of dogs. I guess that’s what finally got him arrested.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them “dust bunnies.” When I look under my furniture, they always seem to be multiplying.

Thought of the Day

Do you want to know how to make your own goat milk? It's easy. You just buy a carton of oat milk and write a “G” on it.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl always tells me his first marriage fell apart because his wife couldn’t stand his cologne. And I can kinda see where she’s coming from. Karl’s favourite cologne is called “Hawaiian Drug Dealer.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle Lucius!”

Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell “Yip-pee!”