I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there
playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why,
sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”
Friday, August 9, 2024
Thursday, August 8, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will
be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 7, 2024
Thought of the Day
I was thinking about planting black-eyed Susans in my
garden this year. But then I thought, I just don’t feel comfortable promoting
spousal abuse.
Tuesday, August 6, 2024
Thought of the Day
My
dog just isn’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, we
got in the car, and he didn’t even bother to put on his seatbelt.
Monday, August 5, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think church mice are any quieter than
regular mice.
Friday, August 2, 2024
Thought of the Day
I was talking to my grandpa the other day, and he told
me that when it’s raining outside that means “the sky is crying.” I asked him,
“Well, what does it mean when it’s snowing outside?” He said, “You’re out of
the will.”
Thursday, August 1, 2024
Thought of the Day
When
I was growing up, I couldn’t stand “Kool & The Gang.” Not because of their
music or anything. I just couldn’t figure out who was “Kool” and who was “The
Gang.”
Wednesday, July 31, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’ve
always had mixed feelings about turtlenecks. My old girlfriend had a turtleneck
once. That’s what convinced her to run away and join the circus.
Monday, July 29, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t understand why they keep trying to change the
Summer Olympics to attract a younger audience. I was watching the Olympics last night,
and they just added a new event – long distance texting.
Thursday, July 25, 2024
Thought of the Day
When we played baseball back in high school, they always
needed a designated hitter. I never got picked for that job myself. In my case,
I was the designated sitter.
Wednesday, July 24, 2024
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful
tip… If you’re the good guy in an old-time western, and you’re fighting a bad hombre in a
saloon, never hit him over the head with a chair. You’re just going to make him
mad.
Tuesday, July 23, 2024
Thought of the Day
I don’t know if it’s just me. But I think groundhogs really
have to learn how to share.
Monday, July 22, 2024
Thought of the Day
I can understand why they call them Black Friday sales. I
went to a Black Friday sale once and all I ended up with was a black eye.
Thursday, July 18, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
always feel guilty when I step on a bug. All I can think of is hearing another
bug somewhere saying, “Fred – have you seen your father? He should’ve been home
by now.”
Wednesday, July 17, 2024
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… A lot of people insist on being
called a “visionary.” Jesus was a visionary. Ghandi was a visionary. If you
really want to be a visionary, you might want to start with a smaller head and
bigger sandals.
Monday, July 15, 2024
Gilligan's Island - The Lost Episode
scene
one: The Professor wanders
into the clearing, sweat running from his brow in the stifling heat. The
Skipper is seated alone at a table and looks over as he appears. The Professor
sets down his binoculars and pauses to take a long drink from his canteen.
skipper:
(concerned)
Well...
professor: Bad news, Skipper.
I’m afraid my calculations were correct. This severe drought has destroyed all
the edible plant life.
skipper:
Oh no!
professor:
To make
matters worse, the fish have migrated away from the island, and the lack of
food has driven off the remaining wildlife.
skipper: What do we do,
Professor?
professor: Well, I’m afraid...we
have only one option...
skipper: Okay. What’s that?
professor: (pause)
Cannibalism.
skipper: Professor! You can’t
be serious!
professor:
Unfortunately,
it’s either that or starvation. Now let’s look at this rationally... I’m
indispensable with my knowledge. Mary Ann does all the cooking so we can’t eat
her.
skipper:
Ginger’s
easy on the eyes.
professor: Yes. And we can’t eat
you, Skipper...
skipper: Why not?!
professor: You’re too fat.
All those carbohydrates.
skipper: Fat?! Why, you
bookworm! I’ll have you know this is one hundred per cent muscle!
professor:
Yes, yes.
And tell me again...why’ve you been wearing the same clothes for the last
twenty years?
skipper: They’re all I’ve got!
Besides, I don’t have a boatload of clothes like the Howells. Why they brought
that much for a three-hour tour is beyond me...
professor: Look. This is
pointless. Let’s get back to the issue at hand.
skipper: Okay. Let’s
see...you, me and the girls are out. So that still leaves- (The two of them
exchange glances.) Gilligan! (Gilligan runs into the clearing and skids
into place beside them.)
gilligan: Yes, Skipper!
skipper
& professor:
(in unison, shaking their heads) Too thin.
gilligan: What’s going on?
skipper: Little buddy, if you
must know, we’re talking about cannibalism. We’re all out of food for God’s
sake!
gilligan: (rubs his chin)
Why don’t we just eat the next person who lands on the island? Someone always
does. Then we can get rescued, too!
professor: First of all, we never
get rescued. And secondly, I checked the script. No guest star this week.
skipper:
Well,
that only leaves the Howells. They never do anything...except take up space...
professor: Then that settles it.
gilligan: C’mon. We’re not
really gonna eat the Howells, are we?
skipper:
No,
little buddy. (Long pause.) Not raw anyways.
professor: We’ll have them
cooked with a nice white wine sauce! We better start making plans. Now,
Gilligan, you get Mary Ann and Ginger...
gilligan:
What are
you talking about? This is a family show!
skipper: (hits Gilligan with his cap) Gilligan! Shut up and bring the girls here
already!
ginger: (appearing from
the bushes with Mary Ann) That’s okay, Skipper. We heard all about your
plan...
professor: So...you’re not
against it—are you girls?
mary
ann: Oh,
no! We just brought the Mrs. Dash.
skipper:
Great!
Let’s go get ‘em!
scene
two: The
five castaways are hiding in the jungle outside The Howell’s hut. They shuffle
carefully among the bushes, trying to get a better look.
professor: (checking list)
Now, let’s see...knives, forks, A-1...
mary
ann: (staring)
Ginger. What’s with the low cut bathing suit?
ginger: Simple. I thought I'd get a little necking in with Howell before we deep fry him. God...I
haven’t had it in years—fucking censors! I’d kill
for a double-decker manwich with a little Ginger on top...
mary
ann:
Slut! Somebody put the hose on her before I scratch her eyes out-!
skipper: Quiet you two, before
I eat you both.
ginger: Really? (Cries.)
Me first! Me first!
professor: (lowly) Shh!
Now, look. We’ll just go in and tell the Howells what we have to do. Yes, they
might beg...or try giving us money. But we can’t spend it on the island
anyways. Now let’s go...Skipper’s getting ravenous...
gilligan:
Ravenous?
But I don’t see any feathers...
skipper: (hitting him with
cap) Gilligan, remind me to kill you later...c’mon! (They all start
moving.)
scene
three: The
five of them enter the Howell’s hut and pause, staring at the scene before
them. Under the flicker of torchlight, Mr. Howell is sitting at a table
enjoying a sumptuous meal of dry leaves, bamboo twigs, and his dead wife,
Lovey.
gilligan:
(gasps)
Oh my God!
professor:
He’s
eating her uncooked!
skipper: And he didn’t even
invite us!
mr.
howell: (between
mouthfuls) Look, she’s my wife and I can eat her if I please! (The
Skipper steps behind him, glowering.)
skipper:
Oh, really...
How’d you like to be an after dinner mint, Howell?
mr.
howell: (puts
napkin to his mouth) Ah...well. (Clearing his throat, laughs nervously.)
In that case... Do pull up a chair, Captain. White meat or dark?
Friday, July 12, 2024
Thursday, July 11, 2024
Thought of the Day
They say it’s unlucky to let a black cat cross your path.
If you ask me, it’s even more unlucky to fly on an airplane and overhear the
pilot say, “Hey – what does this thing do?”
Wednesday, July 10, 2024
Thought of the Day
If you want to control the pet population, you don’t need
to get your pet spade or neutered. You just need to get a decent
semi-automatic.
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’m really glad I started going out with a girl who’s a
Christian. She’s a firm believer in doing unto others.
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