Thought of the Day

I had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I sued them both for malpractice.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think you should be allowed to wear work gloves if you’re on unemployment.

Thought of the Day

I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses. When you die, you can just  put yourself in the recycling bin.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had a serious drinking problem. I can never figure out whether to drink it out of a bottle or a can.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if vampires ever get tired of eating out.

Thought of the Day

I really shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. I checked my morning horoscope and it said, “You really shouldn’t get out of bed this morning.”

Thought of the Day

You can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not feeling too perky.”

Thought of the Day

Years ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a soft hat.

Thought of the Day

A good salesman can sell anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot scoliosis!”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, I’d really like to know what it is.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been that impressed when a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron Ceti 3 that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean, really. How long can it take to catch them?

Thought of the Day

I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why, sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about planting black-eyed Susans in my garden this year. But then I thought, I just don’t feel comfortable promoting spousal abuse.

Thought of the Day

My dog just isn’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, we got in the car, and he didn’t even bother to put on his seatbelt.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think church mice are any quieter than regular mice.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to my grandpa the other day, and he told me that when it’s raining outside that means “the sky is crying.” I asked him, “Well, what does it mean when it’s snowing outside?” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I couldn’t stand “Kool & The Gang.” Not because of their music or anything. I just couldn’t figure out who was “Kool” and who was “The Gang.”