Thought of the Day

My friend Karl was a crossing guard once. But it didn’t last very long. Karl got fired for trying to pawn his Stop sign.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that cows have four stomachs is in case one is closed for renovations.

Thought of the Day

If they can send a man to the moon then how come it couldn’t have been Ryan Seacrest?

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure when they first invented the saddle. But I am sure that when they first tried putting it on a horse, the horse said, “You know I bruise like a grape.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being Aquaman. Not that I have an aversion to water or anything. I just think it’d be a pain having to take all those fish hooks out of your mouth.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my parents took us up north one time to stay at a cottage. I wouldn’t say we were out in the middle of nowhere. But the nearest store was run by a pair of coyotes.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if girls ever get ticked off that they have to wear cowboy boots.

Thought of the Day

We haven’t seen our cousin Louie since we were little kids – but I guess there’s a good reason why. Cousin Louie got arrested once for trying to hijack Ethel Merman and fly her to Cuba.

Thought of the Day

If I ever decide to run away and join the Foreign Legion, do me a favour and talk me out of it.

Thought of the Day

The next time you see a scruffy-looking guy walking around the liquor store with no shirt on, don’t go and complain to the management. Just tell my dad to come home already.

Thought of the Day

When I was in high school, we had a French teacher but no one could understand what the hell she was talking about.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that they send people to Hell is they need someone to play Parcheesi with Adolf Hitler.

Thought of the Day

If Meat Loaf went to a Business After 5, I often wonder if his nametag would say: “HELLO! My Name Is Meat Loaf.”

Thought of the Day

With all the overcrowding going on in today’s prisons, I think it’d be much easier to punish hardened criminals by making them watch reruns of She’s The Sheriff.

Thought of the Day

If you never played with green army men as a kid then you’ve never had the pleasure of throwing out “the minesweeper guy.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve never really believed in reincarnation. But if I did, I’d like to come back as a pigeon so I could take a dump on Art Garfunkel.

Thought of the Day

I read my horoscope the other day, and it said, “Don’t be afraid to give out helpful advice.” So when I was driving to work – and some guy cut me off – I told him where to go and how to get there.

Thought of the Day

I had a girlfriend once who told me she’d love to have dinner with Iggy Pop. I don’t know if I’d enjoy that, to be honest. I think I’d be too busy saying things like: “Are you sure I can’t get you a sweater?”

Thought of the Day

I went to see my dentist the other day, and he asked me if I’d seen any flying saucers lately. So I said, “No.” “Good!” he said. “That means you haven't discovered our invasion.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Elon Musk tried to hide his report cards from his parents growing up because his teachers would always mention their son was “a little squirrelly.”