Thought of the Day

I think Mr. Rogers made an unfortunate choice when he decided to call one of the characters on his children’s show “Mr. McFeely.”

Thought of the Day

If a picture could speak a thousand words, it would get pretty annoying after a while.

Thought of the Day

When she had her first child, everybody said my mother had a certain glow about her. And I can attest to that. I can’t tell you how many times that damned glow would keep me awake at night.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re an up-and-coming magician, and looking to attempt the “sawing a woman in half” trick, keep in mind you’re just one cut away from a standing ovation. Or a prison bunk next to Jethro.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think The Weeknd should be allowed to leave the house until he understands the concept of vowels.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always wondered why they decided to call wieners “hot dogs.” I guess “leftover cow parts” just wasn’t moving enough product.

Thought of the Day

I can’t believe ABBA is making a comeback after all these years. The members of ABBA are so old, when they were growing up air hadn’t been invented yet.

Thought of the Day

Hockey legend and multi-millionaire Wayne Gretzky is famous for saying, “I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.” Then again, he’s also famous for saying, “I’ll take twenty orangutans, and the jetpack with gas-powered sneakers.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder where Yogi Bear got his tie and pork pie hat. I think when the pic-a-nic baskets got slim, he must’ve eaten a few retirees.

Thought of the Day

Every time the villagers show up to storm a castle with torches and pitchforks, Home Hardware must make a killing that day.

Thought of the Day

Did you hear the one about the acrobat who quit the circus? He was tired of getting caught in the act.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who started the whole “Paul is dead” rumour. But he must be out to lunch. Last time I checked, Paul Giamatti is doing quite well.

Thought of the Day

The new supply chain shortages are really becoming a serious problem in the States. Shelves are empty. Stores are closing. In fact, I hear it’s so bad that in Beverly Hills the other day, Nicki Minaj couldn’t find a decent pair of rhinestone panties.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know what wiped out the dinosaurs. But I’m sure the Ben & Jerry’s didn’t help.

Thought of the Day

When the police stop you for driving under the influence, they always want you to walk a straight line. I hardly think that’s fair. That’s like coming up to the plate and the other team yelling: “Easy out!”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you can move heaven and earth when you have to stand on earth in the first place.

Thought of the Day

Companies always go out of their way to tell you their product is “new and improved.” And I can understand why. It sounds a lot more impressive than saying, “This is the same old crap. We just changed the packaging.”

Thought of the Day

If I found a genie in a bottle, and he wanted to grant me three wishes, my first wish would be for him to put on some pants.

Thought of the Day

When Stevie Nicks gets up in the morning, how does she decide whether to wear the black gypsy dress or the black gypsy dress?

Thought of the Day

I’m not proud of myself but when I was in college, I tried making a little money on the side as a drug mule. It was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Who knew they were going to pay me in alfalfa?