Thought of the Day

People seem to think the cheetah is the fastest animal on Earth. That may be true. But those same people have never seen my Uncle Clive when there’s a sale down at The Beer Store.

Thought of the Day

When I was in kindergarten, there was a guy in our class named Ned who could turn his eyelids inside out. I didn’t think Ned was ever going to amount to anything. But the other day, he went viral and now he’s got his own book deal.

Thought of the Day

I think people are getting a little too dependent on technology these days. I went over to see my friend Karl the other day and he just bought a remote to change his mind.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any reason to call them “handcuffs.” I think the “hand” part should be self-explanatory.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I don’t think kids should work with construction paper unless they’re going to wear a hardhat.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Mamie always wanted to be a model – but her career never really got off the ground. Sure, she had a nice figure. But my aunt also had a bad case of “summer teeth.” Some were over here and some were over there.

Thought of the Day

They just hired a new security guy at the place where I work. He doesn’t carry a gun or anything. He just tells everyone everything’s going to be all right.

Thought of the Day

My father never tried to spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking around with another woman.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who wrote The Book Of Love.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up any sandwich. 

Thought of the Day

I told my friend Karl once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the time I punched him in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.

Thought of the Day

They say that no two snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet the guy who measured all those snowflakes.

Thought of the Day

To me, baseball is the perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like moving around.

Thought of the Day

If a flying saucer suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.

Thought of the Day

Anyone can build a bomb that blows things apart. Now, if you could build one that puts everything together that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole MeToo thing is getting a little out of hand. Here, I’ll give you an example... The other day, I was talking to this woman, and all I said was: “That’s a pretty outfit you’re wearing.” And she just let me have it. She said, “Mind your own business, you prick. You say one more word, and you’re going to be eating your lunch through a fucking straw!” I mean, whoa… I was stunned! But what can you do? You don’t know if you’re going to get sued anymore. So I said, “Look, Mom, I’m sorry, all right?”

And Now, The Bad News...

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Darth Vader, and your voice sounds like a German Shepherd, you might want to avoid mentioning that in your online dating profile.

Thought of the Day

My sister has always been a firm believer in getting what she wants. I guess that’s why she has such a long prison record.