And Now, The Bad News...

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Darth Vader, and your voice sounds like a German Shepherd, you might want to avoid mentioning that in your online dating profile.

Thought of the Day

My sister has always been a firm believer in getting what she wants. I guess that’s why she has such a long prison record.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Santa had to pay Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer in Eveready batteries.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think we’re going to let my grandmother bake Christmas cake this year. She made a bit of a slip-up the last time. Instead of adding flour and sugar, she used pure grade heroin.

Crisis Is Averted!

After some tough negotiations over the weekend, The Scarecrow Report is pleased to announce that it has agreed to end its month-long strike and go back to work. (Man...    That Bruce Hornsby guy plays hardball!)

We have some good news to pass along – and some bad news.

The good news is The Scarecrow Report will soon be resuming its regular programming.

The bad news is we were unable to score a weekend in Tahiti with Scarlet Johannsen. Instead, we had to settle for brunch with Al Roker. Over Zoom… However, we hear the longtime NBC weatherman is quite the raconteur. So we look forward to talking about precipitation and hearing some off-colour stories about Willard Scott.

A Scarecrow Strike Update #2

With no end in sight to the three-week-old strike, The Scarecrow Report has had no choice but to bring in a professional mediator. And it has hired one of the best in the business – acclaimed singer-songwriter Bruce Hornsby.

A three-time Grammy Award winner, the best-selling pianist has over thirty years of experience in the labour relations field, having resolved work stoppages across the continental U.S. and reached negotiated agreements at such leading edge firms as Home Depot, the Ford Motor company, and Joe’s Speedy-Quick Piano Tuners.

Hornsby is expected to meet with both parties on Wednesday to discuss the current impasse, and play songs from his new album.

When reached for comment at his home in Williamsburg, Virginia, Hornsby said, “Is Don Henley going to be there? I hate that bastard Don Henley.”

A Scarecrow Strike Update

The Scarecrow Report strike has now entered its second week – and the general public (well, George, really) is demanding to know if The Scarecrow Report has finally bit the big one. Sadly, both parties remain far apart and our key demands – namely a foosball table and a weekend in Tahiti with Scarlet Johannsen – have yet to materialize.

Again, we apologize for the current lack of content. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

In the meantime, please enjoy this clip of a guy eating a sandwich.

 

A Very Scarecrow Announcement

In light of the current national strike going on at Canada Post, The Scarecrow Report has made the unprecedented decision to go on strike with itself.

We understand our six readers will be sorely disappointed by this news – particularly George, Yuki and Mangyanimal13, who owe us money. But we can no longer abide by The Scarecrow Report’s refusal to get a haircut and take the garbage out once in a while.

We apologize for the service interruption and look forward to processing jokes again in a timely manner. Please stay tuned.

And yes, George, Yuki and Mangyanimal13 – you still owe us money.

Thought of the Day

My great-great-uncle Melvin became a fabulously rich man just before he died. Melvin opened up a stand on the Titanic and started selling wigs and dresses to all the men who wanted to get on the lifeboats first.

Thought of the Day

Here’s one thing you’ll never hear around the dinner table at an Ethiopian’s house: “Are you going to finish that?”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me – but I think the guy who invented the clock radio should learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a homeless man in Casper, Wyoming just got caught trying to rob a bank. I guess he should’ve known better... The guy didn’t have a getaway car so he got caught waiting for the bus.

Thought of the Day

They say that dogs have got it made. Free food. Roof over their heads. But if you ask me, it can’t be easy going around sniffing everybody’s ass.

Thought of the Day

I went to a fortune teller once and asked her what she could see in her crystal ball. “Nothing,” she said. “My ball’s in the shop.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’d call a housefly if he lived in an apartment.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl had a really close call last summer. He was out camping in B.C. when he found himself face-to-face with a giant grizzly bear. So Karl did the only thing he could do. He told the bear that his girlfriend tasted like salmon.

Thought of the Day

I was shopping in Canadian Tire the other day when I noticed a guy walking around in camouflage pants. I walked up to him and said, “Dude, your pants aren’t working.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Great Wall of China is over 13,000 miles long, which makes perfect sense. If it was only thirteen miles long, it’d be the Not So Great Wall of China.

Thought of the Day

I’m not the most religious guy in the world. But every time I eat at Taco Bell, I pray I don’t get the runs.

Thought of the Day

Some people wear nicotine patches to get over their addiction to cigarettes. My friend Karl started wearing a pumpkin patch. Apparently he’s got a serious addiction to pie.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why they call it the World Series when none of the other planets have been invited.

Thought of the Day

I had a really big night at the bowling alley last week. I ended up bowling eight strikes in a row! Unfortunately, four of them were over in the next lane.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Barbie hasn’t dropped Ken in a heartbeat. It’s not like the guy’s anatomically correct or anything.

Thought of the Day

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m just afraid of falling from heights.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason King Arthur’s knights gathered at a round table was because Zoom hadn’t been invented yet.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has always been a bad procrastinator. He was playing hide and seek once, and didn’t run and hide until he was 37.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new prescription the other day. I guess his doctor told him not to operate heavy machinery while he’s taking it. I can’t say Karl’s feeling any better yet. But he is saving a lot of money without his appliances.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the only reason the escalator was invented is because some guy was a helluva lazy bastard.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many marching bands have had to turn down new members because they don’t have legs.

Thought of the Day

I never had a visit from the Tooth Fairy when I was growing up. So I’d always check the paper to see if any strange women were arrested for trying to break into children’s bedrooms.

Thought of the Day

I think a hockey rink is the only place in the world where you can hit someone over the head with a stick and not get lawyers involved.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what Tarzan does when he’s out in the jungle and can’t find a decent peppermint latte.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody and his brother has a golden retriever. But when I was growing up, we had a bronze retriever. He was just like a golden retriever except he always came in third place.

Thought of the Day

I went and bought myself one of those robot vacuum cleaners that roll around and clean your floor. But I finally had to get rid of the thing. It tried to get my appliances to go on strike.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or is “pony express” an oxymoron?

Thought of the Day

Here’s something you probably didn’t know… I was reading that squirrels don’t hide their nuts so they’ll have food stored away for the winter. They actually hide their nuts so they won’t have to claim them on their income tax.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why police officers insist on making impaired drivers walk a straight line. I think if they really want to test their cognitive skills, they should put them on Jeopardy.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, there’s no use throwing a boomerang in the garbage. It’s only going to come back again.

Thought of the Day

I had a terrible shock the other day. I got home and discovered that my dog had killed my pet fish. Apparently they’d got into a heated argument over who was man’s best friend.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about taking a night course in basket weaving once. But then I thought – why don’t I just buy a basket?

Thought of the Day

Back in university, there was this hot French girl in my math class who was popular with all the guys on campus. You could tell she was French because she was always getting invaded by the Germans.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is George Foreman, and you’re feeling a little embarrassed about naming all your five boys “George,” I wouldn’t get too worried about it. During your 30-year boxing career, you took a lot of shots to the head. People will understand.

Thought of the Day

How come every time someone falls in quicksand in the movies, they always die so slowly?

Thought of the Day

I went to a window shopping mall the other day. It’s just like a regular shopping mall, except it keeps going out of business.

Thought of the Day

When it’s really nice out, my sister likes to drive with her top down. I guess that’s why she’s always getting arrested.

Thought of the Day

I went and enrolled my dog in a new obedience course. And it’s really going well! In just two weeks, he’s learned how to sit up, roll over, and stay married to Jennifer Lopez.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think Robin Hood was the smartest guy in Sherwood Forest. He’d always rob from the rich and give to the poor. But if he robbed from the rich – then they’d be poor – and he’d just have to bring everything back again.

Thought of the Day

Fishing can be a really dangerous sport. I’ll give you a good example… I caught a fish the other day and he told me to take the hook out of his mouth or he was going to kick my ass.

Thought of the Day

I think the worst job in the world has got to be those goaltenders that play exhibition hockey against Russian President Vladimir Putin. Think of it – you’ve only got two options. Let Putin score eight goals. Or never see your wife and kids again.

Thought of the Day

I had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I sued them both for malpractice.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think you should be allowed to wear work gloves if you’re on unemployment.

Thought of the Day

I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses. When you die, you can just  put yourself in the recycling bin.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had a serious drinking problem. I can never figure out whether to drink it out of a bottle or a can.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if vampires ever get tired of eating out.

Thought of the Day

I really shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. I checked my morning horoscope and it said, “You really shouldn’t get out of bed this morning.”

Thought of the Day

You can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not feeling too perky.”

Thought of the Day

Years ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a soft hat.

Thought of the Day

A good salesman can sell anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot scoliosis!”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, I’d really like to know what it is.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been that impressed when a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron Ceti 3 that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean, really. How long can it take to catch them?

Thought of the Day

I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why, sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about planting black-eyed Susans in my garden this year. But then I thought, I just don’t feel comfortable promoting spousal abuse.

Thought of the Day

My dog just isn’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, we got in the car, and he didn’t even bother to put on his seatbelt.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think church mice are any quieter than regular mice.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to my grandpa the other day, and he told me that when it’s raining outside that means “the sky is crying.” I asked him, “Well, what does it mean when it’s snowing outside?” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I couldn’t stand “Kool & The Gang.” Not because of their music or anything. I just couldn’t figure out who was “Kool” and who was “The Gang.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had mixed feelings about turtlenecks. My old girlfriend had a turtleneck once. That’s what convinced her to run away and join the circus.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they keep trying to change the Summer Olympics to attract a younger audience. I was watching the Olympics last night, and they just added a new event – long distance texting.

Thought of the Day

When we played baseball back in high school, they always needed a designated hitter. I never got picked for that job myself. In my case, I was the designated sitter.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re the good guy in an old-time western, and you’re fighting a bad hombre in a saloon, never hit him over the head with a chair. You’re just going to make him mad.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I think groundhogs really have to learn how to share.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them Black Friday sales. I went to a Black Friday sale once and all I ended up with was a black eye.

Thought of the Day

I always feel guilty when I step on a bug. All I can think of is hearing another bug somewhere saying, “Fred – have you seen your father? He should’ve been home by now.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… A lot of people insist on being called a “visionary.” Jesus was a visionary. Ghandi was a visionary. If you really want to be a visionary, you might want to start with a smaller head and bigger sandals.

Gilligan's Island - The Lost Episode

scene one: The Professor wanders into the clearing, sweat running from his brow in the stifling heat. The Skipper is seated alone at a table and looks over as he appears. The Professor sets down his binoculars and pauses to take a long drink from his canteen. 

 

skipper: (concerned) Well... 

 

professor: Bad news, Skipper. I’m afraid my calculations were correct. This severe drought has destroyed all the edible plant life. 

 

skipper: Oh no!  

 

professor: To make matters worse, the fish have migrated away from the island, and the lack of food has driven off the remaining wildlife. 

 

skipper: What do we do, Professor?

 

professor: Well, I’m afraid...we have only one option... 

 

skipper: Okay. What’s that? 

 

professor: (pause) Cannibalism. 

 

skipper: Professor! You can’t be serious!

 

professor: Unfortunately, it’s either that or starvation. Now let’s look at this rationally... I’m indispensable with my knowledge. Mary Ann does all the cooking so we can’t eat her. 

 

skipper: Ginger’s easy on the eyes. 

 

professor: Yes. And we can’t eat you, Skipper... 

 

skipper: Why not?! 

 

professor: You’re too fat. All those carbohydrates. 

 

skipper: Fat?! Why, you bookworm! I’ll have you know this is one hundred per cent muscle! 

 

professor: Yes, yes. And tell me again...why’ve you been wearing the same clothes for the last twenty years? 

 

skipper: They’re all I’ve got! Besides, I don’t have a boatload of clothes like the Howells. Why they brought that much for a three-hour tour is beyond me... 

 

professor: Look. This is pointless. Let’s get back to the issue at hand. 

 

skipper: Okay. Let’s see...you, me and the girls are out. So that still leaves- (The two of them exchange glances.) Gilligan! (Gilligan runs into the clearing and skids into place beside them.) 

 

gilligan: Yes, Skipper! 

 

skipper & professor: (in unison, shaking their heads) Too thin. 

 

gilligan: What’s going on? 

 

skipper: Little buddy, if you must know, we’re talking about cannibalism. We’re all out of food for God’s sake! 

 

gilligan: (rubs his chin) Why don’t we just eat the next person who lands on the island? Someone always does. Then we can get rescued, too! 

 

professor: First of all, we never get rescued. And secondly, I checked the script. No guest star this week. 

 

skipper: Well, that only leaves the Howells. They never do anything...except take up space... 

 

professor: Then that settles it. 

 

gilligan: C’mon. We’re not really gonna eat the Howells, are we? 

 

skipper: No, little buddy. (Long pause.) Not raw anyways. 

 

professor: We’ll have them cooked with a nice white wine sauce! We better start making plans. Now, Gilligan, you get Mary Ann and Ginger... 

 

gilligan: What are you talking about? This is a family show! 

 

skipper: (hits Gilligan with his cap) Gilligan! Shut up and bring the girls here already! 

 

ginger: (appearing from the bushes with Mary Ann) That’s okay, Skipper. We heard all about your plan... 

 

professor: So...you’re not against it—are you girls? 

 

mary ann: Oh, no! We just brought the Mrs. Dash.

 

skipper: Great! Let’s go get ‘em! 

 

 

scene two: The five castaways are hiding in the jungle outside The Howell’s hut. They shuffle carefully among the bushes, trying to get a better look. 

 

professor: (checking list) Now, let’s see...knives, forks, A-1... 

 

mary ann: (staring) Ginger. What’s with the low cut bathing suit? 

 

ginger: Simple. I thought I'd get a little necking in with Howell before we deep fry him. God...I haven’t had it in years—fucking censors! I’d kill for a double-decker manwich with a little Ginger on top... 

 

mary ann: Slut! Somebody put the hose on her before I scratch her eyes out-!

 

skipper: Quiet you two, before I eat you both.

 

ginger: Really? (Cries.) Me first! Me first! 

 

professor: (lowly) Shh! Now, look. We’ll just go in and tell the Howells what we have to do. Yes, they might beg...or try giving us money. But we can’t spend it on the island anyways. Now let’s go...Skipper’s getting ravenous... 

 

gilligan: Ravenous? But I don’t see any feathers... 

 

skipper: (hitting him with cap) Gilligan, remind me to kill you later...c’mon! (They all start moving.) 

 

 

scene three: The five of them enter the Howell’s hut and pause, staring at the scene before them. Under the flicker of torchlight, Mr. Howell is sitting at a table enjoying a sumptuous meal of dry leaves, bamboo twigs, and his dead wife, Lovey. 

 

gilligan: (gasps) Oh my God! 

 

professor: He’s eating her uncooked! 

 

skipper: And he didn’t even invite us! 

 

mr. howell: (between mouthfuls) Look, she’s my wife and I can eat her if I please! (The Skipper steps behind him, glowering.) 

 

skipper: Oh, really... How’d you like to be an after dinner mint, Howell?

 

mr. howell: (puts napkin to his mouth) Ah...well. (Clearing his throat, laughs nervously.) In that case... Do pull up a chair, Captain. White meat or dark?

Coming Attractions

Thought of the Day

They say it’s unlucky to let a black cat cross your path. If you ask me, it’s even more unlucky to fly on an airplane and overhear the pilot say, “Hey – what does this thing do?”

Thought of the Day

If you want to control the pet population, you don’t need to get your pet spade or neutered. You just need to get a decent semi-automatic.

Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I started going out with a girl who’s a Christian. She’s a firm believer in doing unto others.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind going to hell – as long as I can bring along some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been studying the Pittsburgh Penguins lately – and their team logo is a huge pissed off penguin with a hockey stick. I don’t know if it’s just me. But I had no idea penguins have anger management issues.

Thought of the Day

There’s a big difference between chickens that are raised in the city and chickens that are raised in the country. Chickens raised in the city are much more jaded.

Thought of the Day

I tried to pick up a mermaid at a bar the other night but she wouldn’t give me her number. She just said her address was “water, water, water.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve often wondered why Frankenstein always has those two knobs on his neck. I guess one's for sharpness and one’s for contrast.

Thought of the Day

I went to the gas station the other day, and noticed the price of gas had gone up 22 cents a litre! I went inside and asked the guy why the price had jumped so high. He said, “Because I need a new jacuzzi.”

Thought of the Day

I was involved in a bad car accident the other day. I tried setting my coffee down and it dumped all over the upholstery.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Mickey Mouse, and Minnie wants to get a little amorous, you better get Walt Disney to start drawing you anatomically correct.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why possums always play dead when they’re cornered by a predator. If I were a possum, I’d rather play alive and get the hell out of there.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why you won’t see an elephant hitchhiking by the side of the road. Elephants don’t have opposable thumbs.

Thought of the Day

Restaurant owners who try offering an “All You Can Eat” special always end up losing their shirts. If I had a special like that I’d just hang up a sign that says: “All you can eat – as long as you’re a marsupial.”

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need some flight attendant to tell me how to use my seat as a floatation device. I just need to know where I can store my pontoon boat.

Thought of the Day

I threw a quarter into a wishing well the other day – and made a wish – but nothing happened. Now I just wish I had my quarter back.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Louie has always been fond of dogs. I guess that’s what finally got him arrested.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them “dust bunnies.” When I look under my furniture, they always seem to be multiplying.

Thought of the Day

Do you want to know how to make your own goat milk? It's easy. You just buy a carton of oat milk and write a “G” on it.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl always tells me his first marriage fell apart because his wife couldn’t stand his cologne. And I can kinda see where she’s coming from. Karl’s favourite cologne is called “Hawaiian Drug Dealer.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle Lucius!”

Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell “Yip-pee!”

Thought of the Day

I tried eating chocolate covered ants once. They were actually pretty good! But then I thought – I really have to stop fooling around with my fondue set.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the worst thing about being a Siamese twin is having to wait around while the other one takes a dump.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never quite understood why pirates always have a peg leg. I guess when you go in for the job interview, the first thing they ask you is: “Do you have one leg or two?”

Thought of the Day

I finally had to break up with my girlfriend last week. I wasn’t planning to – but I felt something kept coming between us... She had a mole the size of Rhode Island.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re married to the fat lady at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and she asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” you’re supposed to say “yes.”

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them red-headed woodpeckers. Your head would be red too if you kept hitting it against a tree all the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been much of a swinger myself. But I am partial to the monkey bars.

Thought of the Day

I was over at my girlfriend’s place one time and started snacking out of a tray sitting in her kitchen. She came back in the room. “This trail mix is really crunchy,” I said. My girlfriend just frowned at me. “You’re eating out of the cat box,” she said.

Thought of the Day

Newfoundland didn’t decide to join Canada until 1949 – 82 years after the other provinces. I think if Canada knew it was going to take that long for Newfoundland to make up its mind, it should’ve asked Poland instead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you finally get the chance to meet your hot next door neighbour, don’t introduce yourself as “that scruffy-looking guy who’s been stalking you.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Seal’s real name is Henry Olusegun Adeola Samuel. Personally, I prefer “Seal.”

Thought of the Day

I noticed the Secret Service were mentioned on the news the other day. I guess that means they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job.

Thought of the Day

I think my goldfish has been embezzling from me. To be honest, I don’t have any real proof. But the other day I was looking at my Disney Plus invoice and noticed someone had rented The Little Mermaid – three times.

Thought of the Day

I always carry a pocket mirror around with me. Not to fix my hair or anything. I just hold it up to my mouth to make sure I’m still breathing.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new job as a store detective at The Bay so we decided to get caught up after work. “How’d your day go?” I asked. “Well, “ Karl said, “I had a big mess in the underwear department.” I just looked at him. “That’s more than I needed to know,” I said.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand the band U2. Their members are Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. They should call themselves U4.

Thought of the Day

The other night I was driving through the country when a huge spaceship suddenly landed in front of me – and two aliens stepped out. I thought they were going to ask me to take them to my leader or something. Turns out, they just wanted to know where they could find the nearest Hooters.

Thought of the Day

I had an Aunt Shirl once who thought she was a racehorse. So my Uncle Sid finally took her to see a psychiatrist. My uncle would’ve got Shirl in sooner – but he couldn’t find anyone who wanted to ride her at Santa Anita.

Thought of the Day

I think men would trade places with a cat in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with licking their own balls.

Thought of the Day

I think the weatherman on Channel 4 is starting to get sick of his job. The other day, I tried turning on his weather forecast, and all I heard him say was: “Look out your fucking window.”

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

My buddy set me up on a blind date once. I must admit, I got a lot more action than I anticipated. Who knew Helen Keller was such a good kisser?

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Cap’n Crunch had no business being in the military.

Thought of the Day

Well, looks like Alec Baldwin is going back to court. But it’s not over the shooting on the set of Rust. I guess he’s being sued for starring in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

Thought of the Day

I’m not too concerned about artificial intelligence taking over the world. The way I figure it, AI can’t screw things up any worse than we did already.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I remember my mother told me once that the moon is made of green cheese. But I knew she was lying. If the moon was really made of green cheese, someone would’ve thrown it out by now.

Thought of the Day

O.J. Simpson died of cancer the other day at the age of 76. It’s too bad he didn’t live a little longer. Maybe then he could’ve found the real killers.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie started a dog walking service once but it didn’t work out very well. He let the dogs out for a walk and they never came back.

Thought of the Day

Back in my college days, I used to go out with a girl who worked at Minute Maid. Man – I could tell you some juicy stories.

Thought of the Day

Every country is famous for something. The Swiss have their chocolate. Germany is highly admired for its beer. It’s too bad the only thing Greece is known for is John Travolta.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why ranchers brand their cattle so they can identify them. I think it’d be much easier if they just gave them a nametag.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me out for children’s birthday parties.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once. He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything. He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.

Thought of the Day

They say the Mounties always get their man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh ever got cheesed off at A.A. Milne for giving him such an obscene name.

Thought of the Day

One summer, I got a job proofreading for a skywriting company. The pay was pretty good – but I finally had to quit. I kept getting a hernia trying to pick up the eraser.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they always teach soldiers how to march. I think it’d be a much better idea if they taught them how to roll over and play dead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Caitlyn Jenner, and you’ve just had a massive sex change operation, don’t forget to remember which washroom you have to go in.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I woke up and discovered I was out of 2% milk. All I had was condensed milk! But everything turned out all right. I was able to eat my cereal in half the time.

Thought of the Day

I bought an early model car at an estate sale the other day. I can tell it’s an early model because every time I turn on the radio, all it plays is Gregorian chants.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented the after-dinner mint only did it because the after-breakfast mint never caught on.

Thought of the Day

My cousin has never had a problem growing a moustache…which is unfortunate because her name is Krystal.

Warning! Harmful Stereotype Ahead

Thought of the Day

I don’t have any problem with getting a groundhog to predict the weather. I just think the first guy to suggest the idea must’ve been really high.

Thought of the Day

I tried to be a pimp once, when I was eight-years-old. But it didn’t last very long. I could never get my mom to show a little leg.

Thought of the Day

If Aquaman ate a tuna fish sandwich, I wonder if he’d have to wait an hour before he could go in swimming.