Thought of the Day

I don’t think Robin Hood was the smartest guy in Sherwood Forest. He’d always rob from the rich and give to the poor. But if he robbed from the rich – then they’d be poor – and he’d just have to bring everything back again.

Thought of the Day

Fishing can be a really dangerous sport. I’ll give you a good example… I caught a fish the other day and he told me to take the hook out of his mouth or he was going to kick my ass.

Thought of the Day

I think the worst job in the world has got to be those goaltenders that play exhibition hockey against Russian President Vladimir Putin. Think of it – you’ve only got two options. Let Putin score eight goals. Or never see your wife and kids again.

Thought of the Day

I had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I sued them both for malpractice.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think you should be allowed to wear work gloves if you’re on unemployment.

Thought of the Day

I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses. When you die, you can just  put yourself in the recycling bin.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had a serious drinking problem. I can never figure out whether to drink it out of a bottle or a can.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if vampires ever get tired of eating out.

Thought of the Day

I really shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. I checked my morning horoscope and it said, “You really shouldn’t get out of bed this morning.”

Thought of the Day

You can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not feeling too perky.”

Thought of the Day

Years ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a soft hat.

Thought of the Day

A good salesman can sell anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot scoliosis!”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, I’d really like to know what it is.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been that impressed when a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron Ceti 3 that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean, really. How long can it take to catch them?

Thought of the Day

I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why, sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about planting black-eyed Susans in my garden this year. But then I thought, I just don’t feel comfortable promoting spousal abuse.

Thought of the Day

My dog just isn’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, we got in the car, and he didn’t even bother to put on his seatbelt.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think church mice are any quieter than regular mice.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to my grandpa the other day, and he told me that when it’s raining outside that means “the sky is crying.” I asked him, “Well, what does it mean when it’s snowing outside?” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I couldn’t stand “Kool & The Gang.” Not because of their music or anything. I just couldn’t figure out who was “Kool” and who was “The Gang.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had mixed feelings about turtlenecks. My old girlfriend had a turtleneck once. That’s what convinced her to run away and join the circus.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they keep trying to change the Summer Olympics to attract a younger audience. I was watching the Olympics last night, and they just added a new event – long distance texting.

Thought of the Day

When we played baseball back in high school, they always needed a designated hitter. I never got picked for that job myself. In my case, I was the designated sitter.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re the good guy in an old-time western, and you’re fighting a bad hombre in a saloon, never hit him over the head with a chair. You’re just going to make him mad.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I think groundhogs really have to learn how to share.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them Black Friday sales. I went to a Black Friday sale once and all I ended up with was a black eye.

Thought of the Day

I always feel guilty when I step on a bug. All I can think of is hearing another bug somewhere saying, “Fred – have you seen your father? He should’ve been home by now.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… A lot of people insist on being called a “visionary.” Jesus was a visionary. Ghandi was a visionary. If you really want to be a visionary, you might want to start with a smaller head and bigger sandals.

Gilligan's Island - The Lost Episode

scene one: The Professor wanders into the clearing, sweat running from his brow in the stifling heat. The Skipper is seated alone at a table and looks over as he appears. The Professor sets down his binoculars and pauses to take a long drink from his canteen. 

 

skipper: (concerned) Well... 

 

professor: Bad news, Skipper. I’m afraid my calculations were correct. This severe drought has destroyed all the edible plant life. 

 

skipper: Oh no!  

 

professor: To make matters worse, the fish have migrated away from the island, and the lack of food has driven off the remaining wildlife. 

 

skipper: What do we do, Professor?

 

professor: Well, I’m afraid...we have only one option... 

 

skipper: Okay. What’s that? 

 

professor: (pause) Cannibalism. 

 

skipper: Professor! You can’t be serious!

 

professor: Unfortunately, it’s either that or starvation. Now let’s look at this rationally... I’m indispensable with my knowledge. Mary Ann does all the cooking so we can’t eat her. 

 

skipper: Ginger’s easy on the eyes. 

 

professor: Yes. And we can’t eat you, Skipper... 

 

skipper: Why not?! 

 

professor: You’re too fat. All those carbohydrates. 

 

skipper: Fat?! Why, you bookworm! I’ll have you know this is one hundred per cent muscle! 

 

professor: Yes, yes. And tell me again...why’ve you been wearing the same clothes for the last twenty years? 

 

skipper: They’re all I’ve got! Besides, I don’t have a boatload of clothes like the Howells. Why they brought that much for a three-hour tour is beyond me... 

 

professor: Look. This is pointless. Let’s get back to the issue at hand. 

 

skipper: Okay. Let’s see...you, me and the girls are out. So that still leaves- (The two of them exchange glances.) Gilligan! (Gilligan runs into the clearing and skids into place beside them.) 

 

gilligan: Yes, Skipper! 

 

skipper & professor: (in unison, shaking their heads) Too thin. 

 

gilligan: What’s going on? 

 

skipper: Little buddy, if you must know, we’re talking about cannibalism. We’re all out of food for God’s sake! 

 

gilligan: (rubs his chin) Why don’t we just eat the next person who lands on the island? Someone always does. Then we can get rescued, too! 

 

professor: First of all, we never get rescued. And secondly, I checked the script. No guest star this week. 

 

skipper: Well, that only leaves the Howells. They never do anything...except take up space... 

 

professor: Then that settles it. 

 

gilligan: C’mon. We’re not really gonna eat the Howells, are we? 

 

skipper: No, little buddy. (Long pause.) Not raw anyways. 

 

professor: We’ll have them cooked with a nice white wine sauce! We better start making plans. Now, Gilligan, you get Mary Ann and Ginger... 

 

gilligan: What are you talking about? This is a family show! 

 

skipper: (hits Gilligan with his cap) Gilligan! Shut up and bring the girls here already! 

 

ginger: (appearing from the bushes with Mary Ann) That’s okay, Skipper. We heard all about your plan... 

 

professor: So...you’re not against it—are you girls? 

 

mary ann: Oh, no! We just brought the Mrs. Dash.

 

skipper: Great! Let’s go get ‘em! 

 

 

scene two: The five castaways are hiding in the jungle outside The Howell’s hut. They shuffle carefully among the bushes, trying to get a better look. 

 

professor: (checking list) Now, let’s see...knives, forks, A-1... 

 

mary ann: (staring) Ginger. What’s with the low cut bathing suit? 

 

ginger: Simple. I thought I'd get a little necking in with Howell before we deep fry him. God...I haven’t had it in years—fucking censors! I’d kill for a double-decker manwich with a little Ginger on top... 

 

mary ann: Slut! Somebody put the hose on her before I scratch her eyes out-!

 

skipper: Quiet you two, before I eat you both.

 

ginger: Really? (Cries.) Me first! Me first! 

 

professor: (lowly) Shh! Now, look. We’ll just go in and tell the Howells what we have to do. Yes, they might beg...or try giving us money. But we can’t spend it on the island anyways. Now let’s go...Skipper’s getting ravenous... 

 

gilligan: Ravenous? But I don’t see any feathers... 

 

skipper: (hitting him with cap) Gilligan, remind me to kill you later...c’mon! (They all start moving.) 

 

 

scene three: The five of them enter the Howell’s hut and pause, staring at the scene before them. Under the flicker of torchlight, Mr. Howell is sitting at a table enjoying a sumptuous meal of dry leaves, bamboo twigs, and his dead wife, Lovey. 

 

gilligan: (gasps) Oh my God! 

 

professor: He’s eating her uncooked! 

 

skipper: And he didn’t even invite us! 

 

mr. howell: (between mouthfuls) Look, she’s my wife and I can eat her if I please! (The Skipper steps behind him, glowering.) 

 

skipper: Oh, really... How’d you like to be an after dinner mint, Howell?

 

mr. howell: (puts napkin to his mouth) Ah...well. (Clearing his throat, laughs nervously.) In that case... Do pull up a chair, Captain. White meat or dark?

Coming Attractions

Thought of the Day

They say it’s unlucky to let a black cat cross your path. If you ask me, it’s even more unlucky to fly on an airplane and overhear the pilot say, “Hey – what does this thing do?”

Thought of the Day

If you want to control the pet population, you don’t need to get your pet spade or neutered. You just need to get a decent semi-automatic.

Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I started going out with a girl who’s a Christian. She’s a firm believer in doing unto others.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind going to hell – as long as I can bring along some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been studying the Pittsburgh Penguins lately – and their team logo is a huge pissed off penguin with a hockey stick. I don’t know if it’s just me. But I had no idea penguins have anger management issues.

Thought of the Day

There’s a big difference between chickens that are raised in the city and chickens that are raised in the country. Chickens raised in the city are much more jaded.

Thought of the Day

I tried to pick up a mermaid at a bar the other night but she wouldn’t give me her number. She just said her address was “water, water, water.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve often wondered why Frankenstein always has those two knobs on his neck. I guess one's for sharpness and one’s for contrast.

Thought of the Day

I went to the gas station the other day, and noticed the price of gas had gone up 22 cents a litre! I went inside and asked the guy why the price had jumped so high. He said, “Because I need a new jacuzzi.”

Thought of the Day

I was involved in a bad car accident the other day. I tried setting my coffee down and it dumped all over the upholstery.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Mickey Mouse, and Minnie wants to get a little amorous, you better get Walt Disney to start drawing you anatomically correct.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why possums always play dead when they’re cornered by a predator. If I were a possum, I’d rather play alive and get the hell out of there.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why you won’t see an elephant hitchhiking by the side of the road. Elephants don’t have opposable thumbs.

Thought of the Day

Restaurant owners who try offering an “All You Can Eat” special always end up losing their shirts. If I had a special like that I’d just hang up a sign that says: “All you can eat – as long as you’re a marsupial.”

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need some flight attendant to tell me how to use my seat as a floatation device. I just need to know where I can store my pontoon boat.

Thought of the Day

I threw a quarter into a wishing well the other day – and made a wish – but nothing happened. Now I just wish I had my quarter back.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Louie has always been fond of dogs. I guess that’s what finally got him arrested.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them “dust bunnies.” When I look under my furniture, they always seem to be multiplying.

Thought of the Day

Do you want to know how to make your own goat milk? It's easy. You just buy a carton of oat milk and write a “G” on it.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl always tells me his first marriage fell apart because his wife couldn’t stand his cologne. And I can kinda see where she’s coming from. Karl’s favourite cologne is called “Hawaiian Drug Dealer.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle Lucius!”

Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell “Yip-pee!”

Thought of the Day

I tried eating chocolate covered ants once. They were actually pretty good! But then I thought – I really have to stop fooling around with my fondue set.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the worst thing about being a Siamese twin is having to wait around while the other one takes a dump.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never quite understood why pirates always have a peg leg. I guess when you go in for the job interview, the first thing they ask you is: “Do you have one leg or two?”

Thought of the Day

I finally had to break up with my girlfriend last week. I wasn’t planning to – but I felt something kept coming between us... She had a mole the size of Rhode Island.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re married to the fat lady at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and she asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” you’re supposed to say “yes.”

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them red-headed woodpeckers. Your head would be red too if you kept hitting it against a tree all the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been much of a swinger myself. But I am partial to the monkey bars.

Thought of the Day

I was over at my girlfriend’s place one time and started snacking out of a tray sitting in her kitchen. She came back in the room. “This trail mix is really crunchy,” I said. My girlfriend just frowned at me. “You’re eating out of the cat box,” she said.

Thought of the Day

Newfoundland didn’t decide to join Canada until 1949 – 82 years after the other provinces. I think if Canada knew it was going to take that long for Newfoundland to make up its mind, it should’ve asked Poland instead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you finally get the chance to meet your hot next door neighbour, don’t introduce yourself as “that scruffy-looking guy who’s been stalking you.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Seal’s real name is Henry Olusegun Adeola Samuel. Personally, I prefer “Seal.”

Thought of the Day

I noticed the Secret Service were mentioned on the news the other day. I guess that means they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job.

Thought of the Day

I think my goldfish has been embezzling from me. To be honest, I don’t have any real proof. But the other day I was looking at my Disney Plus invoice and noticed someone had rented The Little Mermaid – three times.

Thought of the Day

I always carry a pocket mirror around with me. Not to fix my hair or anything. I just hold it up to my mouth to make sure I’m still breathing.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new job as a store detective at The Bay so we decided to get caught up after work. “How’d your day go?” I asked. “Well, “ Karl said, “I had a big mess in the underwear department.” I just looked at him. “That’s more than I needed to know,” I said.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand the band U2. Their members are Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. They should call themselves U4.

Thought of the Day

The other night I was driving through the country when a huge spaceship suddenly landed in front of me – and two aliens stepped out. I thought they were going to ask me to take them to my leader or something. Turns out, they just wanted to know where they could find the nearest Hooters.

Thought of the Day

I had an Aunt Shirl once who thought she was a racehorse. So my Uncle Sid finally took her to see a psychiatrist. My uncle would’ve got Shirl in sooner – but he couldn’t find anyone who wanted to ride her at Santa Anita.

Thought of the Day

I think men would trade places with a cat in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with licking their own balls.

Thought of the Day

I think the weatherman on Channel 4 is starting to get sick of his job. The other day, I tried turning on his weather forecast, and all I heard him say was: “Look out your fucking window.”

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

My buddy set me up on a blind date once. I must admit, I got a lot more action than I anticipated. Who knew Helen Keller was such a good kisser?

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Cap’n Crunch had no business being in the military.

Thought of the Day

Well, looks like Alec Baldwin is going back to court. But it’s not over the shooting on the set of Rust. I guess he’s being sued for starring in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

Thought of the Day

I’m not too concerned about artificial intelligence taking over the world. The way I figure it, AI can’t screw things up any worse than we did already.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I remember my mother told me once that the moon is made of green cheese. But I knew she was lying. If the moon was really made of green cheese, someone would’ve thrown it out by now.

Thought of the Day

O.J. Simpson died of cancer the other day at the age of 76. It’s too bad he didn’t live a little longer. Maybe then he could’ve found the real killers.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie started a dog walking service once but it didn’t work out very well. He let the dogs out for a walk and they never came back.

Thought of the Day

Back in my college days, I used to go out with a girl who worked at Minute Maid. Man – I could tell you some juicy stories.

Thought of the Day

Every country is famous for something. The Swiss have their chocolate. Germany is highly admired for its beer. It’s too bad the only thing Greece is known for is John Travolta.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why ranchers brand their cattle so they can identify them. I think it’d be much easier if they just gave them a nametag.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me out for children’s birthday parties.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once. He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything. He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.

Thought of the Day

They say the Mounties always get their man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh ever got cheesed off at A.A. Milne for giving him such an obscene name.

Thought of the Day

One summer, I got a job proofreading for a skywriting company. The pay was pretty good – but I finally had to quit. I kept getting a hernia trying to pick up the eraser.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they always teach soldiers how to march. I think it’d be a much better idea if they taught them how to roll over and play dead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Caitlyn Jenner, and you’ve just had a massive sex change operation, don’t forget to remember which washroom you have to go in.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I woke up and discovered I was out of 2% milk. All I had was condensed milk! But everything turned out all right. I was able to eat my cereal in half the time.

Thought of the Day

I bought an early model car at an estate sale the other day. I can tell it’s an early model because every time I turn on the radio, all it plays is Gregorian chants.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented the after-dinner mint only did it because the after-breakfast mint never caught on.

Thought of the Day

My cousin has never had a problem growing a moustache…which is unfortunate because her name is Krystal.

Warning! Harmful Stereotype Ahead

Thought of the Day

I don’t have any problem with getting a groundhog to predict the weather. I just think the first guy to suggest the idea must’ve been really high.

Thought of the Day

I tried to be a pimp once, when I was eight-years-old. But it didn’t last very long. I could never get my mom to show a little leg.

Thought of the Day

If Aquaman ate a tuna fish sandwich, I wonder if he’d have to wait an hour before he could go in swimming.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re looking for a job, and your first name is “Dwayne,” you might want to avoid applying to anything in the bathtub industry.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think CBS is doing well financially these days. I hear things are so bad they just cut 60 Minutes down to half an hour.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Americans are so enamored with the Constitution. It was written by the same guys who thought that wearing wooden teeth was a good idea.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got charged with distracted driving one time. But they didn’t catch him texting on his phone. He was busy watching a girl in a halter top.

Thought of the Day

 I think it’s okay to put a hat and coat on your dog. Just be aware that he’s going to get you back for it.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to play water polo again. Sure, it was fun and everything. But it took me forever to get the horses in those little tiny bathing suits.

Thought of the Day

I have this little chickadee that keeps tapping on my window every morning. So I finally went to see what all the noise was about. He just wanted to tell me that my bird seed is crap.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some guy just discovered Amelia Earhart’s plane after it disappeared over the Pacific 87 years ago. I’ll have to give him a call and see if he can help me find my car keys.

Thought of the Day

I think the schools are taking things a little too far when it comes to banning books. I hear one school board in Alabama just banned Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham. Apparently they thought the green eggs and ham were getting too familiar with one another.

Thought of the Day

If at first you don’t succeed, you don’t succeed.

Thought of the Day

I went to Switzerland for vacation once but it took me forever to get anywhere. All the drivers were stuck in neutral.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I bought some breakfast cereal, and it started going “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” I’d break out the fire extinguisher.

Thought of the Day

For years now, scientists have been saying it was a giant meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. If you ask me, I think it was their refusal to switch to decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if any plainclothes police officers have been fired for wearing lime green chinos.

Thought of the Day

I like to collect all the shoes I find by the side of the road. That way, if I see a girl hobbling around on one shoe, I’ve got a good opening line.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my Uncle Sid always claimed he was a lumbering expert. And I’m sure that’s an absolute fact. Sid weighed over 280 so he could lumber with the best of them.

Thought of the Day

If monkeys are so smart then why are so many of them in cages?

Thought of the Day

I don’t do much travelling any more. But I do collect frequent flyer miles when I go to The Land of Nod.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why lion tamers use a whip and a chair to get lions to do what they want. If you ask me, it’d be much easier if they just took them out to dinner and a show.

Thought of the Day

Last week, I went to the supermarket to pick up some French Vanilla ice cream. But I had to give up in disgust. All they had was Bolivian.

Thought of the Day

I got kicked off a miniature golf course once. The staff didn’t have any problems when I paid my admission. But I guess they got a little upset when I brought in my golf cart.

Thought of the Day

Hitler was one of the most reprehensible dictators known to man. The Devil’s wingman. Evil incarnate. That sort of thing. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. When the Nazis started rounding up the Jews during World War Two, Hitler complained that he could never find a good bagel.

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older. When I was growing up, I was always concerned with getting enough attention. These days, all I’m concerned with is getting enough bran.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.

Thought of the Day

I think it would be waste of time to put someone like Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with a file in it.

Thought of the Day

We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about. I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.

Thought of the Day

I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.

Riddle Me This!

scene: The Batcave set of the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s playing ‘Pong.’

 

alfred: Mail for you, sir.

 

batman: (distracted) What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray down.) Oh, and Alfred..?

 

alfred: Yes?

 

batman: (turns) Have you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?

 

alfred: Pants, sir..?

 

batman: Yes. The one’s you aren’t wearing.

 

alfred: (rough) Sorry, sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.

 

batman: (shock) You...and Aunt Harriet...

 

alfred: The woman is insatiable, Master Bruce.

 

batman: Dear God, man... That stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!

 

alfred: I see. (Shrugs.) I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?  

 

batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?

 

alfred: Of course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)

 

batman: Robin! Come here a minute...

 

robin: (enters) Will this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.

 

batman: This is only a half hour show, chum.

 

robin: Oh. Right. (Stops, staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?

 

batman: Never mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)

 

robin: The Riddler! (Punches fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?

 

batman: (points) From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum. Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.

 

robin: Sure thing... (Robin flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s just a letter.

 

batman: Hmm. Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)

 

robin: What does it say?

 

batman: (reads) It says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?

 

robin: When it’s...Eggs Benedict!

 

batman: Exactly! Wait, there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?

 

robin: (thinks) One meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!

 

batman: (slams fist into desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.) Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)

 

alfred: (looks up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?

 

batman: Go dust something.

 

alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers off.)

 

batman: (looks up at camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to Robin.) Where was I?

 

robin: (checks script) Precisely...

 

batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never comes down?

 

robin: I’ve got it! A balloon!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: A buffalo with a jetpack!

 

batman: Sadly...no.

 

robin: Cher’s cheekbones?

 

batman: No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross Marilyn 

 

Monroe—with an ostrich?

 

robin: Screwed over at the box office!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: (clenching fist) A Jerry Springer episode!

 

batman: No, no... Here. Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)

 

robin: Okay. First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.) Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No. No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!

 

batman: Right! (Assumes fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?

 

robin: Go for my Batmace... Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!

 

batman: (stops) Very good.

 

robin: A dead duck. I don’t get it, Batman.

 

batman: It’s very simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!

 

robin: (holding up newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!

 

batman: (urgent) No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose! Robin...to the Batmobile!