Thought of the Day

Why can’t Apple get their iPhones right the first time? I’m sure some day you’ll hear your friend say, “Hey man – have you got the iPhone Billion? It beats the pants off iPhone Gazillion!”

Thought of the Day

Scarlet Johansson is easy on the eyes. So are my new contacts.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got divorced from his wife recently. She’d really broken his heart. She’d also broken his golf clubs, his bone china, and his limited edition of The Allman Brothers’ Eat A Peach.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

I got another call from Bruce Hornsby last night. He wanted to apologize for the way he’d been acting lately. It sounds like this whole COVID thing has really got him up a tree, and he went a little overboard on the Sinutabs. Besides, things haven’t been quite the same since that rat bastard Don Henley (his words, not mine) stopped returning his calls. I said, “Hey, Bruce, forget about it. That’s just the way it is.”

Something's The Matter With Bruce

 

Bruce Hornsby says I shouldn’t be making fun of a three-time Grammy Award winner with more gold and platinum records than you can shake a stick at. I think he even used the word “punk.” I finally had to hang up on him... The guy was biting into my couch time.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

I thought I’d heard the last of that graham cracker Bruce Hornsby. Man, was I wrong. I just got off the phone with him.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

Bruce Hornsby just sent me a nasty email to complain about my last post. Hopefully he doesn’t sick “The Range” on me.

Thought of the Day

A friend told me that fax machines are virtually obsolete now. So I went and sold mine to Bruce Hornsby.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the SpaceX Corporation has plans to begin colonizing Mars by the year 2029. And a quarter of a million people have already registered for the expedition. If you ask me, I think it’s doomed from the start. Apparently half of those people just signed up so they can take a selfie.

Thought of the Day

If Ozzy Osborne lived in Australia, does that mean they’d call him “Aussie”?

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a cow, and want to get into a relationship with another consenting cow, it might be a good idea to check their Best Before Date.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the average ant can lift up to five thousand times its own body weight. So I was a little upset when I stepped on one the other day. I think my exact words were: “C’mon, you slacker! Walk it off!”

Thought of the Day

I tried going out with a mermaid once but it didn’t work out. Her friends were too slimy for me.

Thought of the Day

I can’t tell you how important it is to get an education. Take my great-aunt Matilda for instance. Matilda came over from the old country back in the Thirties and refused to learn a lick of English. Which is a shame. Because it certainly would’ve helped the day she drove by that sign that said, “Bridge Out.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Superman made a big mistake calling his house, “The Fortress of Solitude.” What if he wants to invite all his super friends over?

Thought of the Day

I just picked up the new Ultimate Edition of The Wizard of Oz on Blu-ray. And you wouldn’t believe all the special features they have packed in there. There’s newsreels, documentaries, radio promos. The extras are so comprehensive, they even have a rare clip of Judy Garland beating the crap out of Toto.

Thought of the Day

I’m not going to visit Easter Island any time soon. I can’t see the point of going halfway round the world just to roll some hardboiled eggs around.

Thought of the Day

If people make small talk, what kind of talk do dwarves make?

Thought of the Day

Employers always want you to give your job “110%.” If 100% is the maximum amount, anything over that is mathematically impossible. So the last time my boss asked me to give my job 110%, I asked him to give me a 10% raise. “Where am I supposed to get that kind of money?” he asked. “I don’t know,” I said. “The same place you’re getting that extra 10%.”

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or does Neil Young put out a new album every half an hour?