Thought of the Day

The other day, my grandpa told me he wanted to be buried at sea. I said, “There’s no dirt out at sea. So technically we wouldn’t be burying you. We’d just be throwing you overboard.” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve noticed when an airliner crashes, the only thing that seems to survive is the black box. That’s why, the next time I book a flight, I’m going to make sure I reserve a seat in the black box section.

Thought of the Day

When the Indians used to send smoke signals out in the desert, I wonder if they were just trying to place an order at Dairy Queen.

Thought of the Day

I had a date with destiny the other day. Unfortunately, she left me with the cheque.

Thought of the Day

Here’s something few people know… During World War II, Adolf Hitler had a little terrier named Mr. Giggles. Mr. Giggles was said to be the love of Hitler’s life, and they often took long walks together through the parks of Berlin. By all accounts, their affection for one another was a wonder to see. Sadly, Mr. Giggles had trouble catching a Frisbee. So Hitler had him executed by firing squad.

Thought of the Day

Some people have their own greenhouse – not me. I have a magenta house. There’s only one problem though. It confuses the hell out of my begonias.

Thought of the Day

Before cheese makers get their diploma, do they have to learn how to cut the cheese?

Thought of the Day

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is all about anti-commercialism, then why do they always sell it at stores?

Thought of the Day

I know they say a dog is man’s best friend. But I think my dog is taking things a little bit too far. Last week, he wanted me to help him break out of prison.

Thought of the Day

There’s been so much crime in my neighbourhood lately, I went and bought a Superman signal watch. I couldn’t afford a real one so I picked up a cheap knock-off from Korea. I guess I should’ve known better. The only thing my watch can do is call Jimmy Olsen.

Thought of the Day

I went to the doctor’s the other day and he said, “Looks like you’ve got the big C.” I said, “What? Cobbler??” He told me to get out.

Thought of the Day

I think they should bring back public stonings. Not that I’m a fan of capital punishment or anything. I just think it’d be a good way to get an aerobic workout.

Thought of the Day

I took up crocheting a few months ago, and I’m really getting the hang of it. In fact, I can make just about anything now. Quilts, slippers, potholders – you name it. You want to know how to make a tea cozy? That’s easy. Give it a scarf for Christmas.

Thought of the Day

Back in college, I used to give my dog Sparky a little weed now and then. I can’t say I’m real proud of myself. These days, Sparky’s out on tour with The Grateful Dead.

Thought of the Day

If Captain America’s shield is so indestructible, why didn’t the military make him an entire suit instead?

Thought of the Day

I think I’d like to try skydiving some day. If I wasn’t so allergic to dying.

Thought of the Day

I noticed a guy wearing shorts and sandals the other day – in zero-degree weather. I guess he didn’t hear about the latest invention. It’s called pants.

Thought of the Day

When Jimmy Doohan – the actor who played "Scotty" on TV’s Star Trek – died, he apparently had his ashes shot into space. I wouldn’t call that a burial myself. I’d call that typecasting.

Thought of the Day

Some people want to be the straw that stirs the drink. I’d rather be the one who owns the straw.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you move to Tokyo, and happen to get attacked by Godzilla, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. It’s probably just a guy in a big rubber suit.