Thought of the Day

The other day, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s new UFO office announced they have no solid evidence the U.S. has been invaded by extraterrestrials. However, the spokesman did admit they were keeping a close eye on Al Roker.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what they’d call Little Richard if he weighed over 300 pounds.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole large print book craze is a racket. I bought one the other day, and it only had room for the letter “A.”

Thought of the Day

People always say, “Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” And there’s a good reason for that. If you try to count them before they’re hatched, they’re called eggs.

Thought of the Day

Last week, my friend Karl and I were out for a few rounds of golf when Karl suddenly cried, “Swan!” I didn’t know what he was talking about - until a ball flew over my head. “What’d you cry ‘swan’ for?” I asked. “I can’t help it,” Karl said. “I’m allergic to duck.”

Five Signs Yoda is About to Make a Career Move

Puts his lightsaber up for sale on eBay
Trades in his robe for a new pair of khakis
Starts referring to Darth Vader as "Oh...that guy!"
Asks Obi-Wan if he can use him as a reference
Tells Frank Oz to get his hand out of his ass

Five Things Found in Art Garfunkel’s Root Cellar

Parsley

Sage
Rosemary
Thyme
Pure grade heroin

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

The Scarecrow Report is brought to you today by…The Pancreas.

 

Funny name. Serious about regulating your blood sugar. 

Thought of the Day

They say that honesty is the key to a long successful marriage. And that’s certainly been the case with my grandparents. Over 65 years ago, just before they got married, my grandmother admitted to my grandfather that she was embarrassed about her farting. And my grandfather said, “I always thought that was your cat.”

Thought of the Day

If Cher donated her body to science, I don’t think there’d be anything left to donate. Except maybe false eyelashes and a whole lot of Bondo.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have a freezer anymore. I just didn’t think it was right to put my niblets in suspended animation.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been having trouble with mice in my basement. But fortunately, we were able to work it out over a few beers.

Thought of the Day

People have been trying to find the lost city of Atlantis for centuries. I think if they really want to find Atlantis, they should just start putting pictures of it on the backs of milk cartons.

Thought of the Day

Contrary to public opinion, there is a word out there that rhymes with orange. “Orange.”

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who invented boxing must’ve been a fighter himself. Only someone who’d taken a lot of shots to the head would’ve made a boxing ring that’s square.

Thought of the Day

You just can’t trust mechanics anymore. I went to the garage the other day to get my brakes replaced. Unfortunately, they went and replaced them with Sammy Hagar.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that shark attacks in the States have gone up over 300% in the past year. But that isn’t the surprising part. Turns out, 30% of those attacks took place at Red Lobster.

Thought of the Day

It’s not easy being green. That’s why all bananas aspire to be yellow.

Thought of the Day

I don’t envy the guy who had to sculpt the four presidents on Mount Rushmore. Talk about your stressful jobs! You’d have to drive two miles away just to see if you got Lincoln’s nose right.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who’d be the first one to die on Gilligan’s Island – if they had to resort to cannibalism.