Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who spend thousands of dollars going on vacation to places like Florida or the Bahamas. If I want to get away for a while, all I do is go outside and lie on a piece of sandpaper.

Thought of the Day

I had a wild time at the bowling alley last night. I bowled six strikes in a row! Unfortunately, all of them were in the next lane.

Thought of the Day

I was having a terrible time with dizziness – so I went to see a spin doctor. He said, “Don’t worry about it... Everything’s gonna be fine!”

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about painting my rec room one time so I went downtown to check out the new paint store. It was all nicely laid out. So I told the owner she had a nice set of cans. That’s about the time I got punched in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand gangster rap at all. Sure, I’ve tried listening to these rappers. But I haven’t heard a single one of them mention cannoli.

Thought of the Day

You’ll never believe what I saw yesterday. So I’m not going to tell you.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my science teacher got mad at me once and threw a piece of chalk right at my head. I didn’t report him to the principal though. I called the Yankees about signing him to a contract.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been a big fan of fishing – particularly having to put a worm on a hook. It always felt like I was interrogating a political prisoner.

Thought of the Day

If the world is spinning about a 1,000 miles an hour then why aren’t we all getting dizzy?

Thought of the Day

Apple has just released its new iPhone – and I was reading that people have been getting burned when it overheats. Being the conscientious firm they are, Apple executives took immediate steps to solve the problem. They went and changed its name to iFurnace.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if the animals on Noah’s Ark ever complained about the lack of internet service.

Thought of the Day

If you haven’t figured out how to get your kids to eat their vegetables, don’t worry. I’m sure they have an app for that.

Thought of the Day

I think balloons have an inflated opinion of themselves.

Thought of the Day

Singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett died from skin cancer recently at the age of 76. He was obviously very astute, parlaying his one hit “Margaritaville” into a billion dollar empire of restaurants, hotels, casinos, and various food and beverage products. It’s just too bad Jimmy wasn’t smart enough to put on some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I don’t care if ants show up when I’m having a picnic as long as they bring the Lowenbrau.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re over 45, and your job involves getting dressed up as a cartoon animal at a football game, you might want to slap your high school guidance counselor.

Thought of the Day

I don’t see why anyone in their right mind would want to take part in the running of the bulls in Spain, and risk getting gored to death. Now, if they changed it to the running of the cocker spaniels, my bags are packed!

Thought of the Day

I was reading that you can’t say the word “fat” any more because it’s no longer politically correct. Actually, what you’re supposed to say is “the word formally known as fat.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the NBA could save an awful lot on electricity if they stopped using so many power forwards.

Four Things You Should Never Do, According To Jim Croce

Tug on Superman’s cape
Spit into the wind
Pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
Hit a tree following takeoff