Thought of the Day

We don’t see our Uncle Harry much any more. But I guess that’s what happens when you get caught selling pure grade heroin.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I gave my parakeet a little bit of marijuana. It didn’t seem to bother him at first. But now all he wants to do is listen to my Grateful Dead records.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t know a single elephant who's a Republican.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who came up with the terms “soft ball” and “hard ball” but it certainly wasn’t Einstein. Have you ever been hit by one? I think they should be called “hard ball” and “even harder ball.”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, I would definitely tell you about it.

Thought of the Day

I had a crazy dream the other night that I was eating this enormous box of Shredded Wheat. It must’ve been ten feet tall! I didn’t think too much about it when I woke up. That is until I realized my wicker table was missing.

Thought of the Day

They always say, “Don’t mess with Mother Nature.” That’s all well and good. But if you ask me, I wouldn’t want to mess with Stepmother Nature.

Thought of the Day

If John Lennon were alive today, it would be pretty amazing. Especially with him being dead and all.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why they keep Dalmatians at fire halls. I think if you’re relying on a dog to put your fire out, you better kiss your house goodbye.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who spend thousands of dollars going on vacation to places like Florida or the Bahamas. If I want to get away for a while, all I do is go outside and lie on a piece of sandpaper.

Thought of the Day

I had a wild time at the bowling alley last night. I bowled six strikes in a row! Unfortunately, all of them were in the next lane.

Thought of the Day

I was having a terrible time with dizziness – so I went to see a spin doctor. He said, “Don’t worry about it... Everything’s gonna be fine!”

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about painting my rec room one time so I went downtown to check out the new paint store. It was all nicely laid out. So I told the owner she had a nice set of cans. That’s about the time I got punched in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand gangster rap at all. Sure, I’ve tried listening to these rappers. But I haven’t heard a single one of them mention cannoli.

Thought of the Day

You’ll never believe what I saw yesterday. So I’m not going to tell you.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my science teacher got mad at me once and threw a piece of chalk right at my head. I didn’t report him to the principal though. I called the Yankees about signing him to a contract.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been a big fan of fishing – particularly having to put a worm on a hook. It always felt like I was interrogating a political prisoner.

Thought of the Day

If the world is spinning about a 1,000 miles an hour then why aren’t we all getting dizzy?

Thought of the Day

Apple has just released its new iPhone – and I was reading that people have been getting burned when it overheats. Being the conscientious firm they are, Apple executives took immediate steps to solve the problem. They went and changed its name to iFurnace.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if the animals on Noah’s Ark ever complained about the lack of internet service.