Thought of the Day

I’ve never really believed in reincarnation. But if I did, I’d like to come back as a pigeon so I could take a dump on Art Garfunkel.

Thought of the Day

I read my horoscope the other day, and it said, “Don’t be afraid to give out helpful advice.” So when I was driving to work – and some guy cut me off – I told him where to go and how to get there.

Thought of the Day

I had a girlfriend once who told me she’d love to have dinner with Iggy Pop. I don’t know if I’d enjoy that, to be honest. I think I’d be too busy saying things like: “Are you sure I can’t get you a sweater?”

Thought of the Day

I went to see my dentist the other day, and he asked me if I’d seen any flying saucers lately. So I said, “No.” “Good!” he said. “That means you haven't discovered our invasion.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Elon Musk tried to hide his report cards from his parents growing up because his teachers would always mention their son was “a little squirrelly.”

Thought of the Day

If Superman is known as “The Man of Steel” then why hasn’t anyone ever tried to capture him with a magnet?

Thought of the Day

All my friends have been trying cannabis lately. I can’t say I’m a fan. I tried it once and thought it was a little crunchy.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if it’s okay to eat cottage cheese in an apartment.

Thought of the Day

We had to stop our softball game the other night. It wasn’t called on account of rain or anything. It was called on account of Joaquin Phoenix.

Thought of the Day

If the cops are so concerned about wearing bulletproof vests, I think they should start wearing bulletproof boots too. You never know when you’re going to run into a midget who’s armed and dangerous.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to wear a baseball cap unless you intend to play professionally.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to order French toast again. I went to Denny’s the other day, and my breakfast wouldn’t shut up about Jerry Lewis.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I gave my friend Jonas a dollar. I finally asked him when he was going to pay me back. He said, “When the cows come home.” Now, whenever I hear a cow moo, I get excited.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a drag race the other day – and it was really close. RuPaul won by a nose.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always liked the “Happy Birthday” song. That’s why I went out and bought the album.

Thought of the Day

Carmen Miranda was one of the biggest Latin American stars of the ‘40s and ‘50s. She sang. She danced. She performed in over a dozen Hollywood movies. But that first meeting with her agent must’ve been tough. I mean, what do you say when your manager asks: “How do you feel about wearing fruit salad on your head?"

Thought of the Day

I walked through my house the other day and found four houseflies hanging around. So I started charging them rent.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the jet boat should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

People are always flying flags at half-mast when someone dies. So, the other day, I noticed an old man putting his Canadian flag at half-mast. I stopped to ask him who’d passed away. He said, “Queen Elizabeth.” “But Queen Elizabeth died three years ago,” I said. “I know,” he said. “That’s how long it took me to afford the pole.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many times Barry Gibb has had a weak moment and bought a can of Gillette Foamy at Walgreens.