Thought of the Day

I don’t care if ants show up when I’m having a picnic as long as they bring the Lowenbrau.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re over 45, and your job involves getting dressed up as a cartoon animal at a football game, you might want to slap your high school guidance counselor.

Thought of the Day

I don’t see why anyone in their right mind would want to take part in the running of the bulls in Spain, and risk getting gored to death. Now, if they changed it to the running of the cocker spaniels, my bags are packed!

Thought of the Day

I was reading that you can’t say the word “fat” any more because it’s no longer politically correct. Actually, what you’re supposed to say is “the word formally known as fat.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the NBA could save an awful lot on electricity if they stopped using so many power forwards.

Four Things You Should Never Do, According To Jim Croce

Tug on Superman’s cape
Spit into the wind
Pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
Hit a tree following takeoff

Thought of the Day

I think it’s okay to put hats and clothes on your dog as long as you’re prepared to get them some decent counseling.

Thought of the Day

I guess you heard all about Australian Tim Shaddock who was lost at sea for nearly three months with his dog Bella, until his boat was rescued by Mexican fishermen. Apparently, all Shaddock had to live on was raw fish – and rainwater. And his orange tabby named Pudding.

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

Some people can get their dogs to do tricks like roll over or play dead. Not me. I taught my dog how to make potato pancakes with just a hint of oregano.

Thought of the Day

They say that 2023 has been the hottest summer on record. In fact, it’s been so hot that the Devil went into a Baskin-Robbins the other day to order some Mango Tango.

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The Scarecrow Report is brought to you today by...Your Legs.

 

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Thought of the Day

The other day, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s new UFO office announced they have no solid evidence the U.S. has been invaded by extraterrestrials. However, the spokesman did admit they were keeping a close eye on Al Roker.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what they’d call Little Richard if he weighed over 300 pounds.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole large print book craze is a racket. I bought one the other day, and it only had room for the letter “A.”

Thought of the Day

People always say, “Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” And there’s a good reason for that. If you try to count them before they’re hatched, they’re called eggs.

Thought of the Day

Last week, my friend Karl and I were out for a few rounds of golf when Karl suddenly cried, “Swan!” I didn’t know what he was talking about - until a ball flew over my head. “What’d you cry ‘swan’ for?” I asked. “I can’t help it,” Karl said. “I’m allergic to duck.”

Five Signs Yoda is About to Make a Career Move

Puts his lightsaber up for sale on eBay
Trades in his robe for a new pair of khakis
Starts referring to Darth Vader as "Oh...that guy!"
Asks Obi-Wan if he can use him as a reference
Tells Frank Oz to get his hand out of his ass

Five Things Found in Art Garfunkel’s Root Cellar

Parsley

Sage
Rosemary
Thyme
Pure grade heroin

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The Scarecrow Report is brought to you today by…The Pancreas.

 

Funny name. Serious about regulating your blood sugar.