The Group of Seven – Finale

scene: A steam-filled factory. The sound of machinery can be heard in the background. The steam clears a little to reveal Captain Caribou hanging from the ceiling. He’s wrapped head to toe in huge metal chains. 

 

captain: (weak) Oh…my head... Feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. Twice.

 

snowman: You can say that again… 

 

captain: What the–? (He turns his head. Snowman and Hat Trick are also tied up with him.) Snowman! Hat Trick! How’d you fellows get here? 

 

snowman: Try asking your Ma… 

 

hat trick: Damn that cocoa was good! 

 

blue nose: (Distant as if calling down to them) Perhaps you should’ve gone easy on the sugar cookies, my friend!

 

snowman: Look! Up there! 

 

captain: It’s Blue Nose! 

 

blue nose: (on a catwalk high above) Yes, Cappytain…so, we meet again! I see you’ve come to stick your supernoses where they don’t belong. So nice of you to—hang around. 

 

captain: You won’t get away with this, you madman! Once we break out of these chains, we’ll– 

 

blue nose: You’ll stay right where you are, my friends! I have a hostage… 

 

hat trick: (pause) What’d he say?

 

snowman: Something about sausage…

 

captain: We don’t want any sausage!

 

blue nose: No, no! I said, I have…oh, never mind. I kill you later. Look who I have here… (He opens a large metal box at his side to reveal an aged guitarist.)

 

captain: Dear God, man. He’s got Gordon Lightfoot!

 

gordon lightfoot: (sings “Sundown”) I can see her lying back in her satin–

 

blue nose: Now, now! That’s enough from you. Back in the box… (He closes the lid on him.)

 

snowman: The fiend!

 

blue nose: Yes! No more Gord for you, little Snowycone!

 

snowman: That's Snowy– That’s Snowman!

 

blue nose: Potato, po-tato. Tomato, to-mato.

 

captain: What’ve you done with the others?

 

blue nose: Ah, yes. The Anne Murrays and the Geddy Lees. I have them neatly boxed away. You see, I’m going to turn all of them into tasty fudge pop-sicles! And that includes you, my friends…

 

hat trick: Uh… Don’t look now, Cap. (They all look down. They’re hanging above a giant vat of boiling fudge.)

 

captain: Oh boy…

 

snowman: That’s one helluva fondue set…

 

blue nose: Yes! I tried out for Canada’s Got Talent—but they wouldn’t let me on! Them and that Simon Cowell sissypants! Well, now I’ll make them pay. I’ll make all of Canada pay! I’ll replace all the music in the world with my—Austrian zither music! (He pulls out a zither and begins playing.) And now for my salute to Wiener schnitzel…

 

hat trick: I can’t take this much longer, Cap... I’m actually starting to like his playing!

 

captain: (low) We’ve got one chance. Snowman, can you get a hand loose?

 

snowman: I think so.

 

captain: See if you can hit that switch up there—get us out of this mess.

 

snowman: Gotcha. Snowball…12 o’clock high! (He fires a snowball and hits the switch. Their chain begins lowering.) Uh oh.

 

captain: That would be down…

 

blue nose: Thank you for making my job so much easier, Snowyflake! Now, if you’ll excuse me, super-dupermen, I must– (His music stops suddenly and Blue Nose screams. He goes flying past the heroes and falls into the giant vat of fudge.)

 

hat trick: What the hell was that?

 

snowman: Look! Over there!

 

captain: For God’s sake—it’s Maple Boy! (A small caped figure appears on the catwalk above.)

 

maple boy: (distant) You were expecting, maybe, Burton Cummings? (He hits the switch and the chain reels them all in. They start breaking out of their bonds.) Yep. The old maple syrup gun still works like a charm.

 

captain: Nice work, Maple Boy! But how’d you find us?

 

maple boy: (gestures) Easy. It was right here in the script!

 

snowman: Quick! Somebody get Mr. Lightfoot out of that box… (They rip open the metal case.) You all right, sir?

 

gordon lightfoot: Damn that cocoa was good…

 

captain: Well, fellows, looks like Canada’s music scene is finally safe. And Blue Nose’s going to go great with some Chapman’s and a few chopped walnuts. Now, let’s get Bieber and company out of those boxes before– (His cellphone rings. He takes it out.) Hello..? Ma! Where are you? Myrtle Beach! You never told me you were– Yeah…I’m eating well. Yeah, Ma, I’m– No… No... No, I didn’t know about Aunt Vera’s hysterectomy…

 

hat trick: Uh, Cap?

 

captain: Yeah?

 

hat trick: (with metal box) Can we keep Justin Bieber boxed up a while longer? I want to enjoy my life again.

 

captain: (pause) Hat Trick… How good are you at making mothers disappear?

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

 

FINI.

The Group of Seven – Episode Four

scene: Captain Caribou is looking at a TV set in the living room of his mother’s home. Blue Nose is sitting in a rocking chair across from him. He’s a supervillain with a giant nose. He’s wearing an immense shawl over his head.  

 

captain: See, Ma? All you needed was a new battery for the remote. 

 

blue nose: (Very nasally, trying to sound like an old Jewish mother) Yes, I see. Thanks for fixing my set, son.

 

captain: You know Ma…you’re sounding awfully congested.

 

blue nose: It’s hay fever season. What can you do? 

 

captain: Yeah, guess you’re right.

 

blue nose: So. What’ve you been up to? You never call. You never write…

 

captain: Sorry Ma. Been busy saving the world and all.

 

blue nose: Ah, that’s nice. It could use a little saving, couldn’t it? Salmon..?

 

captain: Yes, he’s helping too.

 

blue nose: No, no. Not “Snowman”—salmon. Like the fish. You haven’t even touched my sandwiches!

 

captain: Ma, c’mon. I’m a caribou… Caribous don’t eat salmon.

 

blue nose: Oh. Uh. I mean—yes, of course you are! Here... Have some cocoa, son.

 

captain: Ma, please. It’s eighty degrees out there!

 

blue nose: So, what? Now I don’t know what’s good enough for you? And all the times I’ve slaved over a hot stove for–

 

captain: All right, all right… (Blue Nose pours him a cup and he begins drinking.) Mmm…pretty strong, Ma. What’s in this?

 

blue nose: Oh, you know. Cocoa, little milk. Just like I made when you were a little reindeer.

 

captain: (shaky) Suddenly…I feel so strange…I…

 

blue nose: You must be tired after all the super-dupering. Have a little lie dee down now…Captain. (Captain Caribou drops his cup and it shatters. He collapses over the coffee table.)

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode Three

scene: A used record shop. The three of them enter and a string of bells rattle against the door. The place is empty except for a teenage slacker type manning the cash. A Guess Who album is playing in the background. 

 

snowman: Well, this must be the place. I can tell from the incense.

 

record guy: Hey. What’re you guys supposed to be?

 

captain: We are… 

 

all heroes: (fanfare) The Group of Seven!

 

record guy: (pause) You’re joking, right?

 

captain: Never mind us, friend. We’re here on top-secret official business! Snowman, Hat Trick…go check the bargain bin.

 

snowman & hat trick: Gotcha. (They leave.)

 

record guy: What’re you guys looking for? I fix you up with some Chilliwack or something?

 

captain: Actually…we’re in the market for a little Bryan Adams.

 

record guy: You know. He’s signing records here next week.

 

captain: You got any protection for him?

 

record guy: What? Trojans?

 

captain: The man’s being targeted by an insidious group of criminal masterminds... I’m talking—helicopters! Police escorts! Bomb-sniffing dogs!

 

record guy: Uh, Steve’s gonna be handing out flyers.

 

hat trick: (over at bins) Hey Cap—take a look at this.

 

captain: (looks) What’ve you got?

 

hat trick: Somebody’s hardcore about Bryan all right… All his albums are gone.

 

snowman: And look…Sgt. Pepper’s! Buck ninety-nine!

 

hat trick: That one’s mine…

 

snowman: (raising voice) Hey? You got any Coldplay? (A phone rings.)

 

captain: (takes out his cellphone) Excuse me, guys... (into phone) Hello? Yeah, Ma, I… What? You need what? Yeah…all right. Be right over...

 

hat trick: What’s up?

 

captain: Ma’s TV’s on the blink. I’ve got to go straighten it out before Jeopardy! comes on.

 

hat trick: What about Bryan?

 

captain: Bryan’ll have to wait. I get Ma angry and I’d rather take on a truckload of wolverines. Why don’t you guys hit the mall for a little while? Go pick up my dry cleaning…

 

snowman: Great! I could really go for an Orange Julius. (They head over to the cash.)

 

record guy: (looks at album) That’ll be two bucks…

 

hat trick: Ah, yes... Voilà! (He makes a white rabbit appear out of his hat.) Here… Have a bunny. (He gives the Record Guy the rabbit.)

 

captain: Here’s our card, friend. You see anything suspicious—you give us a call. (They leave. The door closes with the rustle of bells.)

 

record guy: Hey, wait! There was an old lady here this morning…who was…trying to… (He starts petting rabbit.) Nice bunny… 

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode Two

scene: Close up of Captain Caribou talking intently to himself. A car can be heard racing its engine.

 

captain: There’s no doubt about it, fellows… Someone has to be after Justin Bieber’s millions. But how did they get close to him without attracting attention? (The car sounds get louder.) And who could be behind such a dastardly plot? (The car engine gets much louder and erratic.) If only we could– (shouts) Will you turn that PlayStation off?? (Reveal that they’re actually in their secret headquarters.)

 

hat trick: But I’ve got a high score now! (Pause. He turns his game off.) Oh, all right…

 

captain: Three days. Three days on this Bieber case and we’ve got nothing!

 

hat trick: Uh. Guess it would help if actually went to Red Deer.

 

captain: Man—that’s the last time I buy a car from Costa Rica. For God’s sake… Where’s Maple Boy?

 

hat trick: Still working on that transmission, Cap. Why don’t we check the crime scanner again?

 

captain: Good idea. (They go to the other side of the room.) What’ve you got there, Snowman?

 

snowman: (scraping spoon on bowl) Neapolitan…want some?

 

captain: No! I meant on the crime scanner!

 

snowman: Oh. Sorry… (He begins typing at his computer console.) Oh, oh. We’ve got big trouble, guys…

 

hat trick: What? Is One Direction getting back together?

 

snowman: Worse than that—look!

 

captain: (reads) Dozens of classic artists vanish from Rock & Roll Hall of Fame gala…

 

snowman: Neil Young… Trooper… Loverboy… They’re disappearing faster than a two-four at a toga party. They even got BTO…

 

hat trick: Oh my God! Who’s gonna take care of business?

 

captain: Guys, this is serious. Someone’s trying to cripple the music industry. Question is…what do all these people have in common?

 

snowman: Mullets?

 

captain: Besides that.

 

hat trick: They’re all Canucks! Someone’s got a mad on for the CanCon.

 

captain: Right! Now if we only knew who’s next in line, we could stop who’s behind all this…

 

hat trick: Have they got Bryan Adams yet?

 

snowman: No… 

 

hat trick: Damn.

 

snowman: I heard he’s supposed to be promoting his new album at The Slipped Disc next week…

 

hat trick: Well, we have to start somewhere.

 

captain: Perfect! Let’s go down there and check it out. Is that car going to–

 

hat trick: Not the way Maple Boy’s going, Cap.

 

captain: Hmm... All right. It’s time for Plan B! Get your passes ready, boys... We’re heading for the bus stop.

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode One

scene: The Prime Minister’s office. The Prime Minister is busy sharpening pencils. He's examining one after the other when the phone rings. He looks over and grabs it across his expansive desk.

 

pm: (on phone) Hello? Yes, Major… Look, if it’s about that raise again, you’ll just– What’s that? He what??  Yes, I know you were planning to… Well, how many people have been told? I see… This is unacceptable, Major—completely unacceptable. I want a full report from operations as soon as possible! (Hangs up the receiver, and stares into space.) My God... This is a disaster. What’ll I do… What’ll I do? (The door opens suddenly and dark figures enter the room. A giant caribou man steps forward.) 

 

captain: Maybe we could help, Mr. Prime Minister… 

 

pm: (shock) What the– Who are you? 

 

captain: We are… 

 

all heroes: (fanfare) The Group of Seven! 

 

captain: I’m Captain Caribou, Pride of the Yukon. And these are my fearless companions…

 

snowman: (A man of snow and ice formally salutes.) Snowman—at your service.

 

hat trick: (A magician with a French accent bows lowly.) And Hat Trick. Master of the Mystic Topper! (Takes off his hat.)Voilà! (He makes a white rabbit appear and gives it to the Prime Minister.)  Here… Have a bunny. 

 

pm: (pause) That’s three… 

 

captain: That’s a cottontail, sir. 

 

pm: No, no. You said seven. There are only three of you. 

 

snowman: Well…uh. The Husky ran away… 

 

hat trick: And we ate The Fiddleheads by mistake. It’s a long story, really. 

 

captain: Oh, for God’s sake... Where’s Maple Boy? 

 

hat trick: Getting change for the meter, Cap. We’re all out of quarters. 

 

pm: Gentlemen—please! This is a dire emergency. I just got word Justin Bieber’s disappeared! 

 

snowman: (low) That’s a good thing, isn’t it? 

 

hat trick: Shh! 

 

captain: Mother in heaven! What happened, sir? 

 

pm: Some of the boys out in Red Deer hired this Bieber fellow for a private concert. Wanted to keep it off the record, you see. 

 

captain: Understandable. 

 

pm: Well, the Mounties turned their backs for one minute—one minute—and Justin Bieber was gone. Vanished without a trace... Now his handlers are up in arms! The Opposition’s calling for my head! Gentlemen, a young man is in danger—our country’s very reputation is at stake! 

 

captain: Never fear, Mr. Prime Minister. My teammates and I will get right on it! We must make the world safe again for all self-respecting Canuck popstars…  

 

snowman: And tabloid talk shows everywhere. 

 

pm: Then good hunting, men. Keep me posted! And, uh…Mr. Hat Trick? 

 

hat trick: Yes, sir?

 

pm: Clean up after this rabbit, will you?  

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

Stay Tuned

Help is on the way. . .