Thought of the Day

I bought a book the other day but I had to take it back. The first three pages were blank.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a supervillain, and plotting to take over the world, don’t forget you’re also going to inherit North Korea, global warming, and the entire cast of The Buddy Holly Story. Trust me. You don’t want to mess with Gary Busey.

Thought of the Day

I know you can’t say the word “fat” any more. But does that mean you can’t sit around a potbelly stove?

Thought of the Day

I just bought a communication enhancement app the other day. You might’ve heard of it. It’s called a pencil.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Lucius was an incredible miner when he was growing up. It’s just too bad he never used that talent to become a rich man. You can only do so much with booger nuggets.

Thought of the Day

Raining cats and dogs isn’t so bad. It’s the clean up afterwards that’s a real bitch.

Thought of the Day

If you put out a bear trap, and catch a moose, you might want to double check the instructions.

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Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Elton John always wears those big capes and flashy rhinestone outfits. My Uncle Dave used to dress up like that and we finally had to put him away.

Thought of the Day

If animals in the zoo could talk, I think the first thing they’d say is: “I want to see my lawyer!”

Thought of the Day

We don’t see our Uncle Harry much any more. But I guess that’s what happens when you get caught selling pure grade heroin.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I gave my parakeet a little bit of marijuana. It didn’t seem to bother him at first. But now all he wants to do is listen to my Grateful Dead records.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t know a single elephant who's a Republican.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who came up with the terms “soft ball” and “hard ball” but it certainly wasn’t Einstein. Have you ever been hit by one? I think they should be called “hard ball” and “even harder ball.”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, I would definitely tell you about it.

Thought of the Day

I had a crazy dream the other night that I was eating this enormous box of Shredded Wheat. It must’ve been ten feet tall! I didn’t think too much about it when I woke up. That is until I realized my wicker table was missing.

Thought of the Day

They always say, “Don’t mess with Mother Nature.” That’s all well and good. But if you ask me, I wouldn’t want to mess with Stepmother Nature.

Thought of the Day

If John Lennon were alive today, it would be pretty amazing. Especially with him being dead and all.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why they keep Dalmatians at fire halls. I think if you’re relying on a dog to put your fire out, you better kiss your house goodbye.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who spend thousands of dollars going on vacation to places like Florida or the Bahamas. If I want to get away for a while, all I do is go outside and lie on a piece of sandpaper.