I think it would be waste of time to put someone like
Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with
a file in it.
Monday, January 15, 2024
Friday, January 12, 2024
Thought of the Day
We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the
black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could
get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.
Thursday, January 11, 2024
Thought of the Day
The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in
front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about.
I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.
Wednesday, January 10, 2024
Thought of the Day
I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get
older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the
trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.
Tuesday, January 9, 2024
Thought of the Day
I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the
other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like
regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.
Monday, January 8, 2024
Riddle Me This!
scene: The Batcave set of
the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows
and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with
several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit
up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s
playing ‘Pong.’
alfred: Mail for you, sir.
batman: (distracted)
What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray
down.) Oh, and Alfred..?
alfred: Yes?
batman: (turns) Have
you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?
alfred:
Pants,
sir..?
batman: Yes. The one’s you
aren’t wearing.
alfred: (rough) Sorry,
sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid
your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.
batman: (shock)
You...and Aunt Harriet...
alfred: The woman is
insatiable, Master Bruce.
batman: Dear God, man... That
stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!
alfred: I see. (Shrugs.)
I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?
batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?
alfred:
Of
course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for
my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over
the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)
batman: Robin! Come here a
minute...
robin: (enters) Will
this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.
batman: This is only a half hour
show, chum.
robin: Oh. Right. (Stops,
staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?
batman:
Never
mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter
from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)
robin: The Riddler! (Punches
fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?
batman:
(points)
From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum.
Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.
robin: Sure thing... (Robin
flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s
just a letter.
batman:
Hmm.
Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)
robin: What does it say?
batman: (reads) It
says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?
robin: When it’s...Eggs
Benedict!
batman: Exactly! Wait,
there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?
robin: (thinks) One
meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!
batman: (slams fist into
desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.)
Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to
see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)
alfred:
(looks
up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?
batman: Go dust something.
alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers
off.)
batman: (looks up at
camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to
Robin.) Where was I?
robin:
(checks
script) Precisely...
batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses
before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never
comes down?
robin:
I’ve got
it! A balloon!
batman: No.
robin: A buffalo with a
jetpack!
batman: Sadly...no.
robin: Cher’s cheekbones?
batman:
No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at
the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross
Marilyn
Monroe—with an ostrich?
robin: Screwed over at the
box office!
batman: No.
robin:
(clenching
fist) A Jerry Springer episode!
batman: No, no... Here.
Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)
robin:
Okay.
First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.)
Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No.
No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!
batman:
Right! (Assumes
fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?
robin: Go for my Batmace...
Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts
bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!
batman: (stops) Very
good.
robin:
A dead
duck. I don’t get it, Batman.
batman:
It’s very
simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a
few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut
proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!
robin: (holding up
newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by
dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!
batman:
(urgent)
No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains
are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get
your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose!
Robin...to the Batmobile!
Friday, January 5, 2024
Friday, December 22, 2023
Thursday, December 21, 2023
Wednesday, December 20, 2023
Thought of the Day
I had a German Shepherd once when I was growing up. But my
parents had to get rid of it. They found out it was working for the Nazis.
Tuesday, December 19, 2023
Thought of the Day
I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at
the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a
roll that’s from out of town.”
Monday, December 18, 2023
Thought of the Day
The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m
going to slap him with a restraining order.
Friday, December 15, 2023
Thought of the Day
I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor
Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about
it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.
Thursday, December 14, 2023
Thought of the Day
I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it
was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.
Wednesday, December 13, 2023
Thought of the Day
When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap
once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”
Tuesday, December 12, 2023
Thought of the Day
I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just
gonna buy a frigging cat already.
Monday, December 11, 2023
Thought of the Day
They say it’s a bad idea
to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should
make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.
Friday, December 8, 2023
Thought of the Day
I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one
time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was
going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work
her way through college somehow.
Thursday, December 7, 2023
Thought of the Day
Wood burning sets aren’t for everyone. But they are a good
way to practice if you want to become a pyromaniac.
Wednesday, December 6, 2023
Thought of the Day
I went to an “all you can eat” seafood restaurant the
other day and ended up eating all their baby shrimp. I guess I got a little
shellfish.
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