Thought of the Day

I don’t know why police officers insist on making impaired drivers walk a straight line. I think if they really want to test their cognitive skills, they should put them on Jeopardy.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, there’s no use throwing a boomerang in the garbage. It’s only going to come back again.

Thought of the Day

I had a terrible shock the other day. I got home and discovered that my dog had killed my pet fish. Apparently they’d got into a heated argument over who was man’s best friend.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about taking a night course in basket weaving once. But then I thought – why don’t I just buy a basket?

Thought of the Day

Back in university, there was this hot French girl in my math class who was popular with all the guys on campus. You could tell she was French because she was always getting invaded by the Germans.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is George Foreman, and you’re feeling a little embarrassed about naming all your five boys “George,” I wouldn’t get too worried about it. During your 30-year boxing career, you took a lot of shots to the head. People will understand.

Thought of the Day

How come every time someone falls in quicksand in the movies, they always die so slowly?

Thought of the Day

I went to a window shopping mall the other day. It’s just like a regular shopping mall, except it keeps going out of business.

Thought of the Day

When it’s really nice out, my sister likes to drive with her top down. I guess that’s why she’s always getting arrested.

Thought of the Day

I went and enrolled my dog in a new obedience course. And it’s really going well! In just two weeks, he’s learned how to sit up, roll over, and stay married to Jennifer Lopez.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think Robin Hood was the smartest guy in Sherwood Forest. He’d always rob from the rich and give to the poor. But if he robbed from the rich – then they’d be poor – and he’d just have to bring everything back again.

Thought of the Day

Fishing can be a really dangerous sport. I’ll give you a good example… I caught a fish the other day and he told me to take the hook out of his mouth or he was going to kick my ass.

Thought of the Day

I think the worst job in the world has got to be those goaltenders that play exhibition hockey against Russian President Vladimir Putin. Think of it – you’ve only got two options. Let Putin score eight goals. Or never see your wife and kids again.

Thought of the Day

I had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I sued them both for malpractice.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think you should be allowed to wear work gloves if you’re on unemployment.

Thought of the Day

I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses. When you die, you can just  put yourself in the recycling bin.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had a serious drinking problem. I can never figure out whether to drink it out of a bottle or a can.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if vampires ever get tired of eating out.

Thought of the Day

I really shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. I checked my morning horoscope and it said, “You really shouldn’t get out of bed this morning.”