Thought of the Day

I went to a fortune teller once and asked her what she could see in her crystal ball. “Nothing,” she said. “My ball’s in the shop.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’d call a housefly if he lived in an apartment.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl had a really close call last summer. He was out camping in B.C. when he found himself face-to-face with a giant grizzly bear. So Karl did the only thing he could do. He told the bear that his girlfriend tasted like salmon.

Thought of the Day

I was shopping in Canadian Tire the other day when I noticed a guy walking around in camouflage pants. I walked up to him and said, “Dude, your pants aren’t working.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Great Wall of China is over 13,000 miles long, which makes perfect sense. If it was only thirteen miles long, it’d be the Not So Great Wall of China.

Thought of the Day

I’m not the most religious guy in the world. But every time I eat at Taco Bell, I pray I don’t get the runs.

Thought of the Day

Some people wear nicotine patches to get over their addiction to cigarettes. My friend Karl started wearing a pumpkin patch. Apparently he’s got a serious addiction to pie.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why they call it the World Series when none of the other planets have been invited.

Thought of the Day

I had a really big night at the bowling alley last week. I ended up bowling eight strikes in a row! Unfortunately, four of them were over in the next lane.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Barbie hasn’t dropped Ken in a heartbeat. It’s not like the guy’s anatomically correct or anything.

Thought of the Day

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m just afraid of falling from heights.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason King Arthur’s knights gathered at a round table was because Zoom hadn’t been invented yet.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has always been a bad procrastinator. He was playing hide and seek once, and didn’t run and hide until he was 37.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new prescription the other day. I guess his doctor told him not to operate heavy machinery while he’s taking it. I can’t say Karl’s feeling any better yet. But he is saving a lot of money without his appliances.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the only reason the escalator was invented is because some guy was a helluva lazy bastard.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many marching bands have had to turn down new members because they don’t have legs.

Thought of the Day

I never had a visit from the Tooth Fairy when I was growing up. So I’d always check the paper to see if any strange women were arrested for trying to break into children’s bedrooms.

Thought of the Day

I think a hockey rink is the only place in the world where you can hit someone over the head with a stick and not get lawyers involved.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what Tarzan does when he’s out in the jungle and can’t find a decent peppermint latte.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody and his brother has a golden retriever. But when I was growing up, we had a bronze retriever. He was just like a golden retriever except he always came in third place.