Thought of the Day

The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said, “None of your damn business.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think they should raise some money for Yanni so he can afford a last name.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys to her Invisible Jet.

Thought of the Day

I guess everyone has to be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.

Thought of the Day

One time, when I was a kid, my grandfather took me out fishing in his boat. He told me to keep quiet or it’ll scare the fish. “How can the fish hear us if they don’t have ears?” I asked. My grandfather just looked at me. “Do you know how to swim?” he said. “Yeah, of course,” I replied. My grandfather went back to his fishing. “Too bad,” he said.

Thought of the Day

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t get him in to see Taylor Swift.

Thought of the Day

When I was in public school, we always had a lunch lady at our cafeteria. I guess it was standard practice back then. But I’d always wonder if she’d got demoted for screwing up breakfast.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Sherlock Holmes would get stumped trying to figure out what happened to the first Darrin on TV's Bewitched.

Thought of the Day

Everyone seems to think Christopher Columbus was this brilliant explorer because he set off from Spain and discovered America back in 1492. But Columbus wasn’t so great. The guy was looking for India. When I was in school, if I was supposed to find India on a map and found America, they would’ve sent me back a grade.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.

Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many chickens out there are missing fingers.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to hold up a bank is to lift with your legs.

Thought of the Day

 If you ask me, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

Thought of the Day

Plastic pollution is becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that is just Reba McEntire.

Elbows Up, Canada

Thought of the Day

People always say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with keys.”