The Final Frontier

scene: A huge backstage dressing room. The place is filled with wardrobes and discarded clothing. Captain Kirk is pacing the room wearing black leather pants and a Charles Manson t-shirt that reads: “Bride of Chucky.” The sounds of a concert can be heard pulsing off in the distance. 

 

kirk: (into his communicator) Captain’s Log, Stardate 5742.3. The Enterprise has used the light speed breakaway factor to propel itself backward in time to 20th Century Earth on a historic fact-finding mission. The year? 1989. Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and I have beamed down to the planet’s surface, hoping to find a certain Reginald Dwight who- (Spock appears from the other end of the room wearing blue spandex pants, knee-high boots and nipple-clamps.)

 

spock: Captain. I don’t understand why I have to wear such uncomfortable attire. These pants ride up in a somewhat delicate area. 

 

kirk: Spock, these are what the kids are wearing these days. We’d never have got in without these outfits… And the Vulcan neck pinch.

 

spock: I would much prefer a turtleneck with some nice pleated slacks. 

 

kirk: Spock, I told you. Banana Republic was closed. (Long pause.) What’ve you got there?

 

spock: (cool) A serious case of the snuggies, Captain. 

 

kirk: I meant, what’ve you found on Dwight? 

 

spock: (checks his tricorder) Reginald Kenneth Dwight. Born in Middlesex, England. Goes by the stage epithet, Elton John. Multi-million dollar pianist. Rock royalty. And, as far as I can tell, (picks up a gold lamé outfit) Barbra Streisand impersonator.

 

kirk: Damn. This is more than I’d bargained for. (flips open his communicator) Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise… (The playful laughter of a man and woman comes on. Some mood music can be heard throbbing in the background.) 

 

scott: (distracted) Aye lassie. That’s the sweet spot!

 

kirk: (pause) What in God’s name is that? 

 

spock: Barry White, Captain. “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe,” if I’m not mistaken.

 

kirk: Mr. Scott? 

 

scott: (sudden shuffling around and giggling) Shh, shh! Uh. Captain?

 

kirk: Mr. Scott. Are you into the dilithium again? 

 

scott: No. No, sir! We’ve had a wee bit of turbulence up here. Ensign Craig is just helping me out with the…shuttlecraft.

 

kirk: Scotty, send down a security detachment. We’re going to need some back up right away. 

 

scott: Aye, aye, Captain.

 

kirk: And Scotty! 

 

scott: Sir?

 

kirk: Whatever you do—don’t forget to buy the girl breakfast! 

 

scott: (enthused) Sweet, man! I mean…aye, aye, sir!

 

kirk: Kirk out. (Puts communicator away. Spock raises a quizzical eyebrow. Shrugs.) I’ve taught him everything he knows. Now. If we could just find McCoy... I thought he was out getting nachos. 

 

spock: Captain, I couldn’t help noticing that-

 

kirk: Yes, Spock... (gestures around) If you find some roomy cotton briefs, just help yourself. 

 

spock: No, Captain… I believe the encore has subsided. (They both stop to listen. There’s the sound of an extended standing ovation.)

 

kirk: Quick, Spock! Behind the feather boas! (Kirk and Spock run for cover. There’s a roar of the crowd as the door opens. Elton John enters in a red silk and rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit.) 

 

john: (calling outside) You’re beautiful man, just beautiful! See you guys in ten! ‘Kay? Ta! (Closes the door as Kirk and Spock step out into the open. Stops.) Oh, for Chrissake! I told them—no hors d’oeuvres tonight.

 

kirk: Don’t be confused by our outfits, sir. We’ve some urgent business to discuss. 

 

john: (steps back) You’re not from the IRS, are you?

 

spock: No, sir. Starfleet. 

 

john: What? 

 

kirk: James T. Kirk. Captain of the Starship Enterprise. (gestures) This is my first officer, Mr. Spock.

 

john: Right. And I’m the Queen of England! 

 

kirk: So we’ve heard. But never mind that now. 

 

spock:  Sir. My people have never had the opportunity to study a musical luminary, a spiritual figurehead such as yourself. Please. If you’d be so kind. (offers) Could you sign my shoulder blade? 

 

kirk: (stops him) Spock, please—our mission. You see, Mr. Dwight- 

 

john: John. The name is Elton John. 

 

kirk: Mr. John, let me explain. We’ve come from the distant future in order to settle a matter of grave importance to both the United Federation of Planets and the very sanity of thousands of civilizations across the untold cosmos. You must tell us. Please. Just what are the lyrics to “Bennie And The Jets”? 

 

john: (pause) Sorry? 

 

spock: The lyrics. “Hey kids…take it tooth together…the fathers…” We find it all quite impossible to fathom. We were hoping you could shed some light on this matter.

 

john: It’s “Shake it loose together. The spotlight’s hitting something that’s been known to change the weather.” (Kirk and Spock exchange curious glances.) 

 

spock: There is no inherent logic in such a statement. You cannot shake something loose and yet still keep it together. 

 

kirk: And “Keep the patted linebacker…stick around…” That’s a real head scratcher that one. 

 

john: (irked) It’s “We’ll kill the fatted calf tonight so”—look, it doesn’t matter about the bloody lyrics. The fans eat it up! I’ve got 80,000 people out there screaming my name! 

 

kirk: (dreamy) Ahh. Reminds me of that six-headed shot girl I met out on Rigel Seven… 

 

spock: (long pause) Are you finished, Captain? 

 

kirk: Just a second. (Long pause.) Yeah, okay. 

 

john: Screw the grammar lesson, boys! I’m out of here- (Just then the door swings open and McCoy enters wearing love beads, a pair of bell-bottoms and a white Nehru jacket. He pulls something out of a bag and looks it over.) 

 

mccoy: Dammit, Jim. These concert tees are a rip-off! I paid fifty bucks for this crap and- (Kirk and Spock indicate John. McCoy turns around.) So. Who’s the fruit loop? 

 

kirk: (points) Bones? Meet Reginald Dwight. 

 

john: That’s JOHN. Elton John! 

 

mccoy: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, pal. (to Kirk) Did you ask him about “Honky Cat”? 

 

kirk: We’re working on it. 

 

john: (heads for the door) That’s it! Enough of you wankers! I’ve got a wrap party to make! 

 

kirk: (steps for him) Not so fast, Dwight! We haven’t even got to your “Captain Fantastic” album- (There’s a sudden beeping noise and McCoy opens up his jacket.) 

 

mccoy: (Takes out his tricorder and walks over to John. He runs it along John with intense concentration.) Jim. This man is a Klingon! 

 

john: You bitch! (He pulls out a laser pistol and they all put up their hands.) 

 

kirk: Goddammit. Why couldn’t it’ve been Huey Lewis? 

 

john: (beast-like) Yes! So, you’ve finally found me out, you Federation pig-dogs! 

 

mccoy: Did he say “pig-dogs,” Jim?

 

kirk: Spock? 

 

spock: Sorry Captain. I’m still working on “wankers."

 

john: Shut up! All of you! (paces) So! I bet you’re wondering what a Klingon’s doing playing Wembley Stadium! 

 

kirk: Well, I was- 

 

john: Shut up! Want to know the last time a Klingon won a Grammy Award for Best Male Pop Vocal? Never! Well, that’s about to change! Tomorrow, at the Grammys, I face certain victory against Bobby McFerrin and the Traveling Wilburys! Tomorrow will mean glory for me! Glory for the Klingon Empire and—bloody hell. I broke a nail! (Suddenly there’s a humming noise and a security guard materializes, phaser drawn. John whirls and fires, vaporizing him in a blast of smoke.) 

 

kirk: Damn! That’s the fourth one this week! 

 

john: (laughs) Well. Sorry to spoil your little surprise party, Kirk! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a little award to accept! But first? It’s martinis with Bryan Adams! (Elton John makes a quick break for the door. Kirk and McCoy fumble for their phasers. But Spock draws and fires at John, vaporizing him.) 

 

kirk: (walks over and looks down where John once stood, long pause) Oh boy. Starfleet’s gonna ride my ass hard over this one. 

 

mccoy: Spock! You. You killed him. 

 

spock: Sorry, Doctor... I’m still bitter over “Reg Strikes Back.” 

 

mccoy: Ahh. Good point. 

 

kirk: Yes. Such is the frailty of our meager existence, gentlemen. But I’m sure, in time, all people, all races and creeds, will realize the folly of their- 

 

mccoy: Jim. Can you wrap it up already? (adjusts his pants) These bastards’ve got my nuts in a straightjacket! 

 

spock: Captain, for once I’m forced to agree with the Doctor. 

 

kirk: (smiles) Very well, boys. (flips open his communicator) Anyone for T.J. Maxx? 

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.) 

 

FINI.

Coming Attractions

Coming soon to a modest little blog near you...

 

The Group of Seven – Finale

scene: A steam-filled factory. The sound of machinery can be heard in the background. The steam clears a little to reveal Captain Caribou hanging from the ceiling. He’s wrapped head to toe in huge metal chains. 

 

captain: (weak) Oh…my head... Feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. Twice.

 

snowman: You can say that again… 

 

captain: What the–? (He turns his head. Snowman and Hat Trick are also tied up with him.) Snowman! Hat Trick! How’d you fellows get here? 

 

snowman: Try asking your Ma… 

 

hat trick: Damn that cocoa was good! 

 

blue nose: (Distant as if calling down to them) Perhaps you should’ve gone easy on the sugar cookies, my friend!

 

snowman: Look! Up there! 

 

captain: It’s Blue Nose! 

 

blue nose: (on a catwalk high above) Yes, Cappytain…so, we meet again! I see you’ve come to stick your supernoses where they don’t belong. So nice of you to—hang around. 

 

captain: You won’t get away with this, you madman! Once we break out of these chains, we’ll– 

 

blue nose: You’ll stay right where you are, my friends! I have a hostage… 

 

hat trick: (pause) What’d he say?

 

snowman: Something about sausage…

 

captain: We don’t want any sausage!

 

blue nose: No, no! I said, I have…oh, never mind. I kill you later. Look who I have here… (He opens a large metal box at his side to reveal an aged guitarist.)

 

captain: Dear God, man. He’s got Gordon Lightfoot!

 

gordon lightfoot: (sings “Sundown”) I can see her lying back in her satin–

 

blue nose: Now, now! That’s enough from you. Back in the box… (He closes the lid on him.)

 

snowman: The fiend!

 

blue nose: Yes! No more Gord for you, little Snowycone!

 

snowman: That's Snowy– That’s Snowman!

 

blue nose: Potato, po-tato. Tomato, to-mato.

 

captain: What’ve you done with the others?

 

blue nose: Ah, yes. The Anne Murrays and the Geddy Lees. I have them neatly boxed away. You see, I’m going to turn all of them into tasty fudge pop-sicles! And that includes you, my friends…

 

hat trick: Uh… Don’t look now, Cap. (They all look down. They’re hanging above a giant vat of boiling fudge.)

 

captain: Oh boy…

 

snowman: That’s one helluva fondue set…

 

blue nose: Yes! I tried out for Canada’s Got Talent—but they wouldn’t let me on! Them and that Simon Cowell sissypants! Well, now I’ll make them pay. I’ll make all of Canada pay! I’ll replace all the music in the world with my—Austrian zither music! (He pulls out a zither and begins playing.) And now for my salute to Wiener schnitzel…

 

hat trick: I can’t take this much longer, Cap... I’m actually starting to like his playing!

 

captain: (low) We’ve got one chance. Snowman, can you get a hand loose?

 

snowman: I think so.

 

captain: See if you can hit that switch up there—get us out of this mess.

 

snowman: Gotcha. Snowball…12 o’clock high! (He fires a snowball and hits the switch. Their chain begins lowering.) Uh oh.

 

captain: That would be down…

 

blue nose: Thank you for making my job so much easier, Snowyflake! Now, if you’ll excuse me, super-dupermen, I must– (His music stops suddenly and Blue Nose screams. He goes flying past the heroes and falls into the giant vat of fudge.)

 

hat trick: What the hell was that?

 

snowman: Look! Over there!

 

captain: For God’s sake—it’s Maple Boy! (A small caped figure appears on the catwalk above.)

 

maple boy: (distant) You were expecting, maybe, Burton Cummings? (He hits the switch and the chain reels them all in. They start breaking out of their bonds.) Yep. The old maple syrup gun still works like a charm.

 

captain: Nice work, Maple Boy! But how’d you find us?

 

maple boy: (gestures) Easy. It was right here in the script!

 

snowman: Quick! Somebody get Mr. Lightfoot out of that box… (They rip open the metal case.) You all right, sir?

 

gordon lightfoot: Damn that cocoa was good…

 

captain: Well, fellows, looks like Canada’s music scene is finally safe. And Blue Nose’s going to go great with some Chapman’s and a few chopped walnuts. Now, let’s get Bieber and company out of those boxes before– (His cellphone rings. He takes it out.) Hello..? Ma! Where are you? Myrtle Beach! You never told me you were– Yeah…I’m eating well. Yeah, Ma, I’m– No… No... No, I didn’t know about Aunt Vera’s hysterectomy…

 

hat trick: Uh, Cap?

 

captain: Yeah?

 

hat trick: (with metal box) Can we keep Justin Bieber boxed up a while longer? I want to enjoy my life again.

 

captain: (pause) Hat Trick… How good are you at making mothers disappear?

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

 

FINI.

The Group of Seven – Episode Four

scene: Captain Caribou is looking at a TV set in the living room of his mother’s home. Blue Nose is sitting in a rocking chair across from him. He’s a supervillain with a giant nose. He’s wearing an immense shawl over his head.  

 

captain: See, Ma? All you needed was a new battery for the remote. 

 

blue nose: (Very nasally, trying to sound like an old Jewish mother) Yes, I see. Thanks for fixing my set, son.

 

captain: You know Ma…you’re sounding awfully congested.

 

blue nose: It’s hay fever season. What can you do? 

 

captain: Yeah, guess you’re right.

 

blue nose: So. What’ve you been up to? You never call. You never write…

 

captain: Sorry Ma. Been busy saving the world and all.

 

blue nose: Ah, that’s nice. It could use a little saving, couldn’t it? Salmon..?

 

captain: Yes, he’s helping too.

 

blue nose: No, no. Not “Snowman”—salmon. Like the fish. You haven’t even touched my sandwiches!

 

captain: Ma, c’mon. I’m a caribou… Caribous don’t eat salmon.

 

blue nose: Oh. Uh. I mean—yes, of course you are! Here... Have some cocoa, son.

 

captain: Ma, please. It’s eighty degrees out there!

 

blue nose: So, what? Now I don’t know what’s good enough for you? And all the times I’ve slaved over a hot stove for–

 

captain: All right, all right… (Blue Nose pours him a cup and he begins drinking.) Mmm…pretty strong, Ma. What’s in this?

 

blue nose: Oh, you know. Cocoa, little milk. Just like I made when you were a little reindeer.

 

captain: (shaky) Suddenly…I feel so strange…I…

 

blue nose: You must be tired after all the super-dupering. Have a little lie dee down now…Captain. (Captain Caribou drops his cup and it shatters. He collapses over the coffee table.)

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode Three

scene: A used record shop. The three of them enter and a string of bells rattle against the door. The place is empty except for a teenage slacker type manning the cash. A Guess Who album is playing in the background. 

 

snowman: Well, this must be the place. I can tell from the incense.

 

record guy: Hey. What’re you guys supposed to be?

 

captain: We are… 

 

all heroes: (fanfare) The Group of Seven!

 

record guy: (pause) You’re joking, right?

 

captain: Never mind us, friend. We’re here on top-secret official business! Snowman, Hat Trick…go check the bargain bin.

 

snowman & hat trick: Gotcha. (They leave.)

 

record guy: What’re you guys looking for? I fix you up with some Chilliwack or something?

 

captain: Actually…we’re in the market for a little Bryan Adams.

 

record guy: You know. He’s signing records here next week.

 

captain: You got any protection for him?

 

record guy: What? Trojans?

 

captain: The man’s being targeted by an insidious group of criminal masterminds... I’m talking—helicopters! Police escorts! Bomb-sniffing dogs!

 

record guy: Uh, Steve’s gonna be handing out flyers.

 

hat trick: (over at bins) Hey Cap—take a look at this.

 

captain: (looks) What’ve you got?

 

hat trick: Somebody’s hardcore about Bryan all right… All his albums are gone.

 

snowman: And look…Sgt. Pepper’s! Buck ninety-nine!

 

hat trick: That one’s mine…

 

snowman: (raising voice) Hey? You got any Coldplay? (A phone rings.)

 

captain: (takes out his cellphone) Excuse me, guys... (into phone) Hello? Yeah, Ma, I… What? You need what? Yeah…all right. Be right over...

 

hat trick: What’s up?

 

captain: Ma’s TV’s on the blink. I’ve got to go straighten it out before Jeopardy! comes on.

 

hat trick: What about Bryan?

 

captain: Bryan’ll have to wait. I get Ma angry and I’d rather take on a truckload of wolverines. Why don’t you guys hit the mall for a little while? Go pick up my dry cleaning…

 

snowman: Great! I could really go for an Orange Julius. (They head over to the cash.)

 

record guy: (looks at album) That’ll be two bucks…

 

hat trick: Ah, yes... Voilà! (He makes a white rabbit appear out of his hat.) Here… Have a bunny. (He gives the Record Guy the rabbit.)

 

captain: Here’s our card, friend. You see anything suspicious—you give us a call. (They leave. The door closes with the rustle of bells.)

 

record guy: Hey, wait! There was an old lady here this morning…who was…trying to… (He starts petting rabbit.) Nice bunny… 

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode Two

scene: Close up of Captain Caribou talking intently to himself. A car can be heard racing its engine.

 

captain: There’s no doubt about it, fellows… Someone has to be after Justin Bieber’s millions. But how did they get close to him without attracting attention? (The car sounds get louder.) And who could be behind such a dastardly plot? (The car engine gets much louder and erratic.) If only we could– (shouts) Will you turn that PlayStation off?? (Reveal that they’re actually in their secret headquarters.)

 

hat trick: But I’ve got a high score now! (Pause. He turns his game off.) Oh, all right…

 

captain: Three days. Three days on this Bieber case and we’ve got nothing!

 

hat trick: Uh. Guess it would help if actually went to Red Deer.

 

captain: Man—that’s the last time I buy a car from Costa Rica. For God’s sake… Where’s Maple Boy?

 

hat trick: Still working on that transmission, Cap. Why don’t we check the crime scanner again?

 

captain: Good idea. (They go to the other side of the room.) What’ve you got there, Snowman?

 

snowman: (scraping spoon on bowl) Neapolitan…want some?

 

captain: No! I meant on the crime scanner!

 

snowman: Oh. Sorry… (He begins typing at his computer console.) Oh, oh. We’ve got big trouble, guys…

 

hat trick: What? Is One Direction getting back together?

 

snowman: Worse than that—look!

 

captain: (reads) Dozens of classic artists vanish from Rock & Roll Hall of Fame gala…

 

snowman: Neil Young… Trooper… Loverboy… They’re disappearing faster than a two-four at a toga party. They even got BTO…

 

hat trick: Oh my God! Who’s gonna take care of business?

 

captain: Guys, this is serious. Someone’s trying to cripple the music industry. Question is…what do all these people have in common?

 

snowman: Mullets?

 

captain: Besides that.

 

hat trick: They’re all Canucks! Someone’s got a mad on for the CanCon.

 

captain: Right! Now if we only knew who’s next in line, we could stop who’s behind all this…

 

hat trick: Have they got Bryan Adams yet?

 

snowman: No… 

 

hat trick: Damn.

 

snowman: I heard he’s supposed to be promoting his new album at The Slipped Disc next week…

 

hat trick: Well, we have to start somewhere.

 

captain: Perfect! Let’s go down there and check it out. Is that car going to–

 

hat trick: Not the way Maple Boy’s going, Cap.

 

captain: Hmm... All right. It’s time for Plan B! Get your passes ready, boys... We’re heading for the bus stop.

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

The Group of Seven – Episode One

scene: The Prime Minister’s office. The Prime Minister is busy sharpening pencils. He's examining one after the other when the phone rings. He looks over and grabs it across his expansive desk.

 

pm: (on phone) Hello? Yes, Major… Look, if it’s about that raise again, you’ll just– What’s that? He what??  Yes, I know you were planning to… Well, how many people have been told? I see… This is unacceptable, Major—completely unacceptable. I want a full report from operations as soon as possible! (Hangs up the receiver, and stares into space.) My God... This is a disaster. What’ll I do… What’ll I do? (The door opens suddenly and dark figures enter the room. A giant caribou man steps forward.) 

 

captain: Maybe we could help, Mr. Prime Minister… 

 

pm: (shock) What the– Who are you? 

 

captain: We are… 

 

all heroes: (fanfare) The Group of Seven! 

 

captain: I’m Captain Caribou, Pride of the Yukon. And these are my fearless companions…

 

snowman: (A man of snow and ice formally salutes.) Snowman—at your service.

 

hat trick: (A magician with a French accent bows lowly.) And Hat Trick. Master of the Mystic Topper! (Takes off his hat.)Voilà! (He makes a white rabbit appear and gives it to the Prime Minister.)  Here… Have a bunny. 

 

pm: (pause) That’s three… 

 

captain: That’s a cottontail, sir. 

 

pm: No, no. You said seven. There are only three of you. 

 

snowman: Well…uh. The Husky ran away… 

 

hat trick: And we ate The Fiddleheads by mistake. It’s a long story, really. 

 

captain: Oh, for God’s sake... Where’s Maple Boy? 

 

hat trick: Getting change for the meter, Cap. We’re all out of quarters. 

 

pm: Gentlemen—please! This is a dire emergency. I just got word Justin Bieber’s disappeared! 

 

snowman: (low) That’s a good thing, isn’t it? 

 

hat trick: Shh! 

 

captain: Mother in heaven! What happened, sir? 

 

pm: Some of the boys out in Red Deer hired this Bieber fellow for a private concert. Wanted to keep it off the record, you see. 

 

captain: Understandable. 

 

pm: Well, the Mounties turned their backs for one minute—one minute—and Justin Bieber was gone. Vanished without a trace... Now his handlers are up in arms! The Opposition’s calling for my head! Gentlemen, a young man is in danger—our country’s very reputation is at stake! 

 

captain: Never fear, Mr. Prime Minister. My teammates and I will get right on it! We must make the world safe again for all self-respecting Canuck popstars…  

 

snowman: And tabloid talk shows everywhere. 

 

pm: Then good hunting, men. Keep me posted! And, uh…Mr. Hat Trick? 

 

hat trick: Yes, sir?

 

pm: Clean up after this rabbit, will you?  

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

Stay Tuned

Help is on the way. . .

 

 

Thought of the Day

It seems like Canadians are more divided than ever on the Royal Family these days. According to a new Angus Reid poll, 48% of Canadians think we should cut all ties with Buckingham Palace, 46% feel the Queen is an important part of our heritage, and 6% want to hear a little April Wine.

Thought of the Day

When I was opening a new jar of peanut butter, I thought it might feel threatened by the knife. So I had to defuse the situation. “Look, I’m not going to hurt you,” I said. “I just want to spread you on some toast.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being a lumberjack. It’s not climbing trees or swinging an axe that bothers me. It’s just that flannel makes me chafe like a grizzly.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend must think she’s a scratch-and-win ticket. Every time I try to tell her where I was last night, all she says is: “Try again.”

Thought of the Day

I was walking across a bridge one time when I noticed an old man leaning heavily over the rail. I thought something might be wrong so I ran up to help. That’s when I realized the old man was looking at a big guy splashing around in the murky river below. “What’s going on?” I asked. The old man shrugged me off with a wave of his hand. “Ah, nothing,” he said. “It’s just Walter under the bridge.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve never had my appendix removed. That’s why I’m suing my surgeon for everything he’s got.