scene: The Batcave set of
the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows
and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with
several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit
up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s
playing ‘Pong.’
alfred: Mail for you, sir.
batman: (distracted)
What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray
down.) Oh, and Alfred..?
alfred: Yes?
batman: (turns) Have
you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?
alfred:
Pants,
sir..?
batman: Yes. The one’s you
aren’t wearing.
alfred: (rough) Sorry,
sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid
your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.
batman: (shock)
You...and Aunt Harriet...
alfred: The woman is
insatiable, Master Bruce.
batman: Dear God, man... That
stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!
alfred: I see. (Shrugs.)
I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?
batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?
alfred:
Of
course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for
my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over
the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)
batman: Robin! Come here a
minute...
robin: (enters) Will
this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.
batman: This is only a half hour
show, chum.
robin: Oh. Right. (Stops,
staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?
batman:
Never
mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter
from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)
robin: The Riddler! (Punches
fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?
batman:
(points)
From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum.
Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.
robin: Sure thing... (Robin
flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s
just a letter.
batman:
Hmm.
Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)
robin: What does it say?
batman: (reads) It
says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?
robin: When it’s...Eggs
Benedict!
batman: Exactly! Wait,
there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?
robin: (thinks) One
meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!
batman: (slams fist into
desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.)
Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to
see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)
alfred:
(looks
up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?
batman: Go dust something.
alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers
off.)
batman: (looks up at
camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to
Robin.) Where was I?
robin:
(checks
script) Precisely...
batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses
before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never
comes down?
robin:
I’ve got
it! A balloon!
batman: No.
robin: A buffalo with a
jetpack!
batman: Sadly...no.
robin: Cher’s cheekbones?
batman:
No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at
the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross
Marilyn
Monroe—with an ostrich?
robin: Screwed over at the
box office!
batman: No.
robin:
(clenching
fist) A Jerry Springer episode!
batman: No, no... Here.
Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)
robin:
Okay.
First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.)
Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No.
No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!
batman:
Right! (Assumes
fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?
robin: Go for my Batmace...
Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts
bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!
batman: (stops) Very
good.
robin:
A dead
duck. I don’t get it, Batman.
batman:
It’s very
simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a
few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut
proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!
robin: (holding up
newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by
dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!
batman:
(urgent)
No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains
are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get
your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose!
Robin...to the Batmobile!
