Thought of the Day

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older. When I was growing up, I was always concerned with getting enough attention. These days, all I’m concerned with is getting enough bran.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.

Thought of the Day

I think it would be waste of time to put someone like Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with a file in it.

Thought of the Day

We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about. I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.

Thought of the Day

I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.

Riddle Me This!

scene: The Batcave set of the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s playing ‘Pong.’

 

alfred: Mail for you, sir.

 

batman: (distracted) What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray down.) Oh, and Alfred..?

 

alfred: Yes?

 

batman: (turns) Have you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?

 

alfred: Pants, sir..?

 

batman: Yes. The one’s you aren’t wearing.

 

alfred: (rough) Sorry, sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.

 

batman: (shock) You...and Aunt Harriet...

 

alfred: The woman is insatiable, Master Bruce.

 

batman: Dear God, man... That stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!

 

alfred: I see. (Shrugs.) I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?  

 

batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?

 

alfred: Of course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)

 

batman: Robin! Come here a minute...

 

robin: (enters) Will this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.

 

batman: This is only a half hour show, chum.

 

robin: Oh. Right. (Stops, staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?

 

batman: Never mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)

 

robin: The Riddler! (Punches fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?

 

batman: (points) From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum. Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.

 

robin: Sure thing... (Robin flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s just a letter.

 

batman: Hmm. Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)

 

robin: What does it say?

 

batman: (reads) It says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?

 

robin: When it’s...Eggs Benedict!

 

batman: Exactly! Wait, there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?

 

robin: (thinks) One meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!

 

batman: (slams fist into desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.) Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)

 

alfred: (looks up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?

 

batman: Go dust something.

 

alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers off.)

 

batman: (looks up at camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to Robin.) Where was I?

 

robin: (checks script) Precisely...

 

batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never comes down?

 

robin: I’ve got it! A balloon!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: A buffalo with a jetpack!

 

batman: Sadly...no.

 

robin: Cher’s cheekbones?

 

batman: No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross Marilyn 

 

Monroe—with an ostrich?

 

robin: Screwed over at the box office!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: (clenching fist) A Jerry Springer episode!

 

batman: No, no... Here. Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)

 

robin: Okay. First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.) Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No. No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!

 

batman: Right! (Assumes fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?

 

robin: Go for my Batmace... Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!

 

batman: (stops) Very good.

 

robin: A dead duck. I don’t get it, Batman.

 

batman: It’s very simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!

 

robin: (holding up newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!

 

batman: (urgent) No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose! Robin...to the Batmobile!

Coming Attractions

A Christmas Interlude

Thought of the Day

I don’t really care for frogs’ legs. I’m more partial to frogs’ arms.

Thought of the Day

I had a German Shepherd once when I was growing up. But my parents had to get rid of it. They found out it was working for the Nazis.

Thought of the Day

I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a roll that’s from out of town.”

Thought of the Day

The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m going to slap him with a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.

Thought of the Day

I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”

Thought of the Day

I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just gonna buy a frigging cat already.

Thought of the Day

They say it’s a bad idea to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.