Somebody Stop The Nazis

They were the most despicable regime in the history of the world. They killed millions of innocent people. They were…of course…the Nazis. But how did they know where to stop their reign of terror? 

 

Did they ever sit around a table one day and go…? 

 

hitler: Now…we must lay out our plans for world domination! And that includes death to the Jewish race! The Blacks and the Catholics also have no place in the Fatherland! We- Yes, Heinrich?

 

heinrich: What about spiders?

 

hitler: Spiders? 

 

heinrich: I don’t like spiders, mein Herr…

 

hitler: But surely a spider is no harm to the Fatherland.

 

heinrich: They can crawl up your leg. You wouldn’t want a Jew crawling up your leg.

 

hitler: Yes, good point! Okay…that’s Jews, Blacks, Catholics, spiders…

 

officer: Puppies?

 

hitler: You mean…Jewish puppies..?

 

officer: No, mein Herr…death to all puppies! I was bitten as a child…

 

hitler: Puppies…

 

officer: Yes.

 

hitler: With their little fluffy tails…

 

officer: And their little puppy dog eyes. Yes, mein Herr.

 

hitler: Okay…we have Jews, Blacks, Catholics, spiders, puppies…

 

emil: How about Inga?

 

hitler: What?? Your wife, Emil?

 

emil: Yes!

 

hitler: Is she…Jewish..?

 

emil: No, mein Herr. But when I come home late from the beer gardens, she busts my balls like you wouldn’t believe!

 

hitler: Okay… We have Jews, Blacks, spiders, puppies…and Inga. Is there anything else I’ve missed..?

 

second officer: Beef burritos? The master race has no place for gas, mein Herr.

 

emil: Death to beef burritos! Death to-

 

hitler: Quiet, Emil! OKAY… That’s death to Jews, Blacks, Catholics…spiders, puppies…and beef burritos.

 

emil: And Inga!

 

hitler: And…INGA. Sieg Heil!

 

all: SIEG HEIL!

Those Were The Days

When I was growing up, everybody and his brother were selling something by the side of the road. Flags… Velvet Elvis paintings… The worst was the guy with the seafood truck. He’d be pulled off the road, middle of August. And his truck would have a big cartoon lobster on the side – because cartoon lobsters are a sure sign of quality. 

A typical transaction would go something like this:

 “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yeah. What's your special of the day?”

“Botulism.”

“Botulism?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Hmm... All right. I’ll take two.”

The Final Frontier

scene: A huge backstage dressing room. The place is filled with wardrobes and discarded clothing. Captain Kirk is pacing the room wearing black leather pants and a Charles Manson t-shirt that reads: “Bride of Chucky.” The sounds of a concert can be heard pulsing off in the distance. 

 

kirk: (into his communicator) Captain’s Log, Stardate 5742.3. The Enterprise has used the light speed breakaway factor to propel itself backward in time to 20th Century Earth on a historic fact-finding mission. The year? 1989. Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and I have beamed down to the planet’s surface, hoping to find a certain Reginald Dwight who- (Spock appears from the other end of the room wearing blue spandex pants, knee-high boots and nipple-clamps.)

 

spock: Captain. I don’t understand why I have to wear such uncomfortable attire. These pants ride up in a somewhat delicate area. 

 

kirk: Spock, these are what the kids are wearing these days. We’d never have got in without these outfits… And the Vulcan neck pinch.

 

spock: I would much prefer a turtleneck with some nice pleated slacks. 

 

kirk: Spock, I told you. Banana Republic was closed. (Long pause.) What’ve you got there?

 

spock: (cool) A serious case of the snuggies, Captain. 

 

kirk: I meant, what’ve you found on Dwight? 

 

spock: (checks his tricorder) Reginald Kenneth Dwight. Born in Middlesex, England. Goes by the stage epithet, Elton John. Multi-million dollar pianist. Rock royalty. And, as far as I can tell, (picks up a gold lamé outfit) Barbra Streisand impersonator.

 

kirk: Damn. This is more than I’d bargained for. (flips open his communicator) Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise… (The playful laughter of a man and woman comes on. Some mood music can be heard throbbing in the background.) 

 

scott: (distracted) Aye lassie. That’s the sweet spot!

 

kirk: (pause) What in God’s name is that? 

 

spock: Barry White, Captain. “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe,” if I’m not mistaken.

 

kirk: Mr. Scott? 

 

scott: (sudden shuffling around and giggling) Shh, shh! Uh. Captain?

 

kirk: Mr. Scott. Are you into the dilithium again? 

 

scott: No. No, sir! We’ve had a wee bit of turbulence up here. Ensign Craig is just helping me out with the…shuttlecraft.

 

kirk: Scotty, send down a security detachment. We’re going to need some back up right away. 

 

scott: Aye, aye, Captain.

 

kirk: And Scotty! 

 

scott: Sir?

 

kirk: Whatever you do—don’t forget to buy the girl breakfast! 

 

scott: (enthused) Sweet, man! I mean…aye, aye, sir!

 

kirk: Kirk out. (Puts communicator away. Spock raises a quizzical eyebrow. Shrugs.) I’ve taught him everything he knows. Now. If we could just find McCoy... I thought he was out getting nachos. 

 

spock: Captain, I couldn’t help noticing that-

 

kirk: Yes, Spock... (gestures around) If you find some roomy cotton briefs, just help yourself. 

 

spock: No, Captain… I believe the encore has subsided. (They both stop to listen. There’s the sound of an extended standing ovation.)

 

kirk: Quick, Spock! Behind the feather boas! (Kirk and Spock run for cover. There’s a roar of the crowd as the door opens. Elton John enters in a red silk and rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit.) 

 

john: (calling outside) You’re beautiful man, just beautiful! See you guys in ten! ‘Kay? Ta! (Closes the door as Kirk and Spock step out into the open. Stops.) Oh, for Chrissake! I told them—no hors d’oeuvres tonight.

 

kirk: Don’t be confused by our outfits, sir. We’ve some urgent business to discuss. 

 

john: (steps back) You’re not from the IRS, are you?

 

spock: No, sir. Starfleet. 

 

john: What? 

 

kirk: James T. Kirk. Captain of the Starship Enterprise. (gestures) This is my first officer, Mr. Spock.

 

john: Right. And I’m the Queen of England! 

 

kirk: So we’ve heard. But never mind that now. 

 

spock:  Sir. My people have never had the opportunity to study a musical luminary, a spiritual figurehead such as yourself. Please. If you’d be so kind. (offers) Could you sign my shoulder blade? 

 

kirk: (stops him) Spock, please—our mission. You see, Mr. Dwight- 

 

john: John. The name is Elton John. 

 

kirk: Mr. John, let me explain. We’ve come from the distant future in order to settle a matter of grave importance to both the United Federation of Planets and the very sanity of thousands of civilizations across the untold cosmos. You must tell us. Please. Just what are the lyrics to “Bennie And The Jets”? 

 

john: (pause) Sorry? 

 

spock: The lyrics. “Hey kids…take it tooth together…the fathers…” We find it all quite impossible to fathom. We were hoping you could shed some light on this matter.

 

john: It’s “Shake it loose together. The spotlight’s hitting something that’s been known to change the weather.” (Kirk and Spock exchange curious glances.) 

 

spock: There is no inherent logic in such a statement. You cannot shake something loose and yet still keep it together. 

 

kirk: And “Keep the patted linebacker…stick around…” That’s a real head scratcher that one. 

 

john: (irked) It’s “We’ll kill the fatted calf tonight so”—look, it doesn’t matter about the bloody lyrics. The fans eat it up! I’ve got 80,000 people out there screaming my name! 

 

kirk: (dreamy) Ahh. Reminds me of that six-headed shot girl I met out on Rigel Seven… 

 

spock: (long pause) Are you finished, Captain? 

 

kirk: Just a second. (Long pause.) Yeah, okay. 

 

john: Screw the grammar lesson, boys! I’m out of here- (Just then the door swings open and McCoy enters wearing love beads, a pair of bell-bottoms and a white Nehru jacket. He pulls something out of a bag and looks it over.) 

 

mccoy: Dammit, Jim. These concert tees are a rip-off! I paid fifty bucks for this crap and- (Kirk and Spock indicate John. McCoy turns around.) So. Who’s the fruit loop? 

 

kirk: (points) Bones? Meet Reginald Dwight. 

 

john: That’s JOHN. Elton John! 

 

mccoy: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, pal. (to Kirk) Did you ask him about “Honky Cat”? 

 

kirk: We’re working on it. 

 

john: (heads for the door) That’s it! Enough of you wankers! I’ve got a wrap party to make! 

 

kirk: (steps for him) Not so fast, Dwight! We haven’t even got to your “Captain Fantastic” album- (There’s a sudden beeping noise and McCoy opens up his jacket.) 

 

mccoy: (Takes out his tricorder and walks over to John. He runs it along John with intense concentration.) Jim. This man is a Klingon! 

 

john: You bitch! (He pulls out a laser pistol and they all put up their hands.) 

 

kirk: Goddammit. Why couldn’t it’ve been Huey Lewis? 

 

john: (beast-like) Yes! So, you’ve finally found me out, you Federation pig-dogs! 

 

mccoy: Did he say “pig-dogs,” Jim?

 

kirk: Spock? 

 

spock: Sorry Captain. I’m still working on “wankers."

 

john: Shut up! All of you! (paces) So! I bet you’re wondering what a Klingon’s doing playing Wembley Stadium! 

 

kirk: Well, I was- 

 

john: Shut up! Want to know the last time a Klingon won a Grammy Award for Best Male Pop Vocal? Never! Well, that’s about to change! Tomorrow, at the Grammys, I face certain victory against Bobby McFerrin and the Traveling Wilburys! Tomorrow will mean glory for me! Glory for the Klingon Empire and—bloody hell. I broke a nail! (Suddenly there’s a humming noise and a security guard materializes, phaser drawn. John whirls and fires, vaporizing him in a blast of smoke.) 

 

kirk: Damn! That’s the fourth one this week! 

 

john: (laughs) Well. Sorry to spoil your little surprise party, Kirk! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a little award to accept! But first? It’s martinis with Bryan Adams! (Elton John makes a quick break for the door. Kirk and McCoy fumble for their phasers. But Spock draws and fires at John, vaporizing him.) 

 

kirk: (walks over and looks down where John once stood, long pause) Oh boy. Starfleet’s gonna ride my ass hard over this one. 

 

mccoy: Spock! You. You killed him. 

 

spock: Sorry, Doctor... I’m still bitter over “Reg Strikes Back.” 

 

mccoy: Ahh. Good point. 

 

kirk: Yes. Such is the frailty of our meager existence, gentlemen. But I’m sure, in time, all people, all races and creeds, will realize the folly of their- 

 

mccoy: Jim. Can you wrap it up already? (adjusts his pants) These bastards’ve got my nuts in a straightjacket! 

 

spock: Captain, for once I’m forced to agree with the Doctor. 

 

kirk: (smiles) Very well, boys. (flips open his communicator) Anyone for T.J. Maxx? 

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.) 

 

FINI.

Coming Attractions

Coming soon to a modest little blog near you...

 

The Group of Seven – Finale

scene: A steam-filled factory. The sound of machinery can be heard in the background. The steam clears a little to reveal Captain Caribou hanging from the ceiling. He’s wrapped head to toe in huge metal chains. 

 

captain: (weak) Oh…my head... Feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. Twice.

 

snowman: You can say that again… 

 

captain: What the–? (He turns his head. Snowman and Hat Trick are also tied up with him.) Snowman! Hat Trick! How’d you fellows get here? 

 

snowman: Try asking your Ma… 

 

hat trick: Damn that cocoa was good! 

 

blue nose: (Distant as if calling down to them) Perhaps you should’ve gone easy on the sugar cookies, my friend!

 

snowman: Look! Up there! 

 

captain: It’s Blue Nose! 

 

blue nose: (on a catwalk high above) Yes, Cappytain…so, we meet again! I see you’ve come to stick your supernoses where they don’t belong. So nice of you to—hang around. 

 

captain: You won’t get away with this, you madman! Once we break out of these chains, we’ll– 

 

blue nose: You’ll stay right where you are, my friends! I have a hostage… 

 

hat trick: (pause) What’d he say?

 

snowman: Something about sausage…

 

captain: We don’t want any sausage!

 

blue nose: No, no! I said, I have…oh, never mind. I kill you later. Look who I have here… (He opens a large metal box at his side to reveal an aged guitarist.)

 

captain: Dear God, man. He’s got Gordon Lightfoot!

 

gordon lightfoot: (sings “Sundown”) I can see her lying back in her satin–

 

blue nose: Now, now! That’s enough from you. Back in the box… (He closes the lid on him.)

 

snowman: The fiend!

 

blue nose: Yes! No more Gord for you, little Snowycone!

 

snowman: That's Snowy– That’s Snowman!

 

blue nose: Potato, po-tato. Tomato, to-mato.

 

captain: What’ve you done with the others?

 

blue nose: Ah, yes. The Anne Murrays and the Geddy Lees. I have them neatly boxed away. You see, I’m going to turn all of them into tasty fudge pop-sicles! And that includes you, my friends…

 

hat trick: Uh… Don’t look now, Cap. (They all look down. They’re hanging above a giant vat of boiling fudge.)

 

captain: Oh boy…

 

snowman: That’s one helluva fondue set…

 

blue nose: Yes! I tried out for Canada’s Got Talent—but they wouldn’t let me on! Them and that Simon Cowell sissypants! Well, now I’ll make them pay. I’ll make all of Canada pay! I’ll replace all the music in the world with my—Austrian zither music! (He pulls out a zither and begins playing.) And now for my salute to Wiener schnitzel…

 

hat trick: I can’t take this much longer, Cap... I’m actually starting to like his playing!

 

captain: (low) We’ve got one chance. Snowman, can you get a hand loose?

 

snowman: I think so.

 

captain: See if you can hit that switch up there—get us out of this mess.

 

snowman: Gotcha. Snowball…12 o’clock high! (He fires a snowball and hits the switch. Their chain begins lowering.) Uh oh.

 

captain: That would be down…

 

blue nose: Thank you for making my job so much easier, Snowyflake! Now, if you’ll excuse me, super-dupermen, I must– (His music stops suddenly and Blue Nose screams. He goes flying past the heroes and falls into the giant vat of fudge.)

 

hat trick: What the hell was that?

 

snowman: Look! Over there!

 

captain: For God’s sake—it’s Maple Boy! (A small caped figure appears on the catwalk above.)

 

maple boy: (distant) You were expecting, maybe, Burton Cummings? (He hits the switch and the chain reels them all in. They start breaking out of their bonds.) Yep. The old maple syrup gun still works like a charm.

 

captain: Nice work, Maple Boy! But how’d you find us?

 

maple boy: (gestures) Easy. It was right here in the script!

 

snowman: Quick! Somebody get Mr. Lightfoot out of that box… (They rip open the metal case.) You all right, sir?

 

gordon lightfoot: Damn that cocoa was good…

 

captain: Well, fellows, looks like Canada’s music scene is finally safe. And Blue Nose’s going to go great with some Chapman’s and a few chopped walnuts. Now, let’s get Bieber and company out of those boxes before– (His cellphone rings. He takes it out.) Hello..? Ma! Where are you? Myrtle Beach! You never told me you were– Yeah…I’m eating well. Yeah, Ma, I’m– No… No... No, I didn’t know about Aunt Vera’s hysterectomy…

 

hat trick: Uh, Cap?

 

captain: Yeah?

 

hat trick: (with metal box) Can we keep Justin Bieber boxed up a while longer? I want to enjoy my life again.

 

captain: (pause) Hat Trick… How good are you at making mothers disappear?

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.)

 

FINI.