Thought of the Day

I’ve always had mixed feelings about turtlenecks. My old girlfriend had a turtleneck once. That’s what convinced her to run away and join the circus.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they keep trying to change the Summer Olympics to attract a younger audience. I was watching the Olympics last night, and they just added a new event – long distance texting.

Thought of the Day

When we played baseball back in high school, they always needed a designated hitter. I never got picked for that job myself. In my case, I was the designated sitter.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re the good guy in an old-time western, and you’re fighting a bad hombre in a saloon, never hit him over the head with a chair. You’re just going to make him mad.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I think groundhogs really have to learn how to share.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them Black Friday sales. I went to a Black Friday sale once and all I ended up with was a black eye.

Thought of the Day

I always feel guilty when I step on a bug. All I can think of is hearing another bug somewhere saying, “Fred – have you seen your father? He should’ve been home by now.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… A lot of people insist on being called a “visionary.” Jesus was a visionary. Ghandi was a visionary. If you really want to be a visionary, you might want to start with a smaller head and bigger sandals.

Gilligan's Island - The Lost Episode

scene one: The Professor wanders into the clearing, sweat running from his brow in the stifling heat. The Skipper is seated alone at a table and looks over as he appears. The Professor sets down his binoculars and pauses to take a long drink from his canteen. 

 

skipper: (concerned) Well... 

 

professor: Bad news, Skipper. I’m afraid my calculations were correct. This severe drought has destroyed all the edible plant life. 

 

skipper: Oh no!  

 

professor: To make matters worse, the fish have migrated away from the island, and the lack of food has driven off the remaining wildlife. 

 

skipper: What do we do, Professor?

 

professor: Well, I’m afraid...we have only one option... 

 

skipper: Okay. What’s that? 

 

professor: (pause) Cannibalism. 

 

skipper: Professor! You can’t be serious!

 

professor: Unfortunately, it’s either that or starvation. Now let’s look at this rationally... I’m indispensable with my knowledge. Mary Ann does all the cooking so we can’t eat her. 

 

skipper: Ginger’s easy on the eyes. 

 

professor: Yes. And we can’t eat you, Skipper... 

 

skipper: Why not?! 

 

professor: You’re too fat. All those carbohydrates. 

 

skipper: Fat?! Why, you bookworm! I’ll have you know this is one hundred per cent muscle! 

 

professor: Yes, yes. And tell me again...why’ve you been wearing the same clothes for the last twenty years? 

 

skipper: They’re all I’ve got! Besides, I don’t have a boatload of clothes like the Howells. Why they brought that much for a three-hour tour is beyond me... 

 

professor: Look. This is pointless. Let’s get back to the issue at hand. 

 

skipper: Okay. Let’s see...you, me and the girls are out. So that still leaves- (The two of them exchange glances.) Gilligan! (Gilligan runs into the clearing and skids into place beside them.) 

 

gilligan: Yes, Skipper! 

 

skipper & professor: (in unison, shaking their heads) Too thin. 

 

gilligan: What’s going on? 

 

skipper: Little buddy, if you must know, we’re talking about cannibalism. We’re all out of food for God’s sake! 

 

gilligan: (rubs his chin) Why don’t we just eat the next person who lands on the island? Someone always does. Then we can get rescued, too! 

 

professor: First of all, we never get rescued. And secondly, I checked the script. No guest star this week. 

 

skipper: Well, that only leaves the Howells. They never do anything...except take up space... 

 

professor: Then that settles it. 

 

gilligan: C’mon. We’re not really gonna eat the Howells, are we? 

 

skipper: No, little buddy. (Long pause.) Not raw anyways. 

 

professor: We’ll have them cooked with a nice white wine sauce! We better start making plans. Now, Gilligan, you get Mary Ann and Ginger... 

 

gilligan: What are you talking about? This is a family show! 

 

skipper: (hits Gilligan with his cap) Gilligan! Shut up and bring the girls here already! 

 

ginger: (appearing from the bushes with Mary Ann) That’s okay, Skipper. We heard all about your plan... 

 

professor: So...you’re not against it—are you girls? 

 

mary ann: Oh, no! We just brought the Mrs. Dash.

 

skipper: Great! Let’s go get ‘em! 

 

 

scene two: The five castaways are hiding in the jungle outside The Howell’s hut. They shuffle carefully among the bushes, trying to get a better look. 

 

professor: (checking list) Now, let’s see...knives, forks, A-1... 

 

mary ann: (staring) Ginger. What’s with the low cut bathing suit? 

 

ginger: Simple. I thought I'd get a little necking in with Howell before we deep fry him. God...I haven’t had it in years—fucking censors! I’d kill for a double-decker manwich with a little Ginger on top... 

 

mary ann: Slut! Somebody put the hose on her before I scratch her eyes out-!

 

skipper: Quiet you two, before I eat you both.

 

ginger: Really? (Cries.) Me first! Me first! 

 

professor: (lowly) Shh! Now, look. We’ll just go in and tell the Howells what we have to do. Yes, they might beg...or try giving us money. But we can’t spend it on the island anyways. Now let’s go...Skipper’s getting ravenous... 

 

gilligan: Ravenous? But I don’t see any feathers... 

 

skipper: (hitting him with cap) Gilligan, remind me to kill you later...c’mon! (They all start moving.) 

 

 

scene three: The five of them enter the Howell’s hut and pause, staring at the scene before them. Under the flicker of torchlight, Mr. Howell is sitting at a table enjoying a sumptuous meal of dry leaves, bamboo twigs, and his dead wife, Lovey. 

 

gilligan: (gasps) Oh my God! 

 

professor: He’s eating her uncooked! 

 

skipper: And he didn’t even invite us! 

 

mr. howell: (between mouthfuls) Look, she’s my wife and I can eat her if I please! (The Skipper steps behind him, glowering.) 

 

skipper: Oh, really... How’d you like to be an after dinner mint, Howell?

 

mr. howell: (puts napkin to his mouth) Ah...well. (Clearing his throat, laughs nervously.) In that case... Do pull up a chair, Captain. White meat or dark?

Coming Attractions

Thought of the Day

They say it’s unlucky to let a black cat cross your path. If you ask me, it’s even more unlucky to fly on an airplane and overhear the pilot say, “Hey – what does this thing do?”

Thought of the Day

If you want to control the pet population, you don’t need to get your pet spade or neutered. You just need to get a decent semi-automatic.

Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I started going out with a girl who’s a Christian. She’s a firm believer in doing unto others.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind going to hell – as long as I can bring along some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been studying the Pittsburgh Penguins lately – and their team logo is a huge pissed off penguin with a hockey stick. I don’t know if it’s just me. But I had no idea penguins have anger management issues.

Thought of the Day

There’s a big difference between chickens that are raised in the city and chickens that are raised in the country. Chickens raised in the city are much more jaded.

Thought of the Day

I tried to pick up a mermaid at a bar the other night but she wouldn’t give me her number. She just said her address was “water, water, water.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve often wondered why Frankenstein always has those two knobs on his neck. I guess one's for sharpness and one’s for contrast.

Thought of the Day

I went to the gas station the other day, and noticed the price of gas had gone up 22 cents a litre! I went inside and asked the guy why the price had jumped so high. He said, “Because I need a new jacuzzi.”

Thought of the Day

I was involved in a bad car accident the other day. I tried setting my coffee down and it dumped all over the upholstery.